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It Wasn’t That Type of Love

This new life I live sick and missing something that never existed a love affair that lived in my head. Will never be in love I feel. Never be the heartbeat of a man like you were for me. i can’t see it happening. Confined to just this but tonight as I close my eyes I remember what it was in my heart. How I clung to the moments that we did have. the times that we did share and my heartbeat changes. I hate that you still have this control over me. Your suppossed to come to see me the man that controlled my pulse. The only man that i ever connected with in any way. But i guess you loved all others. i was never exactly good eough for you. It didn.t break me.. It just made me blieve that love did exist because even today how I have felt for yu makes me believe in what love can be. As i sit here in the bed that keeps me daily in rememrance of the fact that a brain tumor has changed my life the course of my understanding i think of you. It’s ione of those things that you have to just sdmit happen to me. i looved you. you never loved e but the love I felt for you changed me. Your suppossed to come visit in these days.. I wonder if you will make it to me.. see me in all the ugly o feel. Sick not able to live behind the long hair i use to have. Increasingly overweight from the steroids. All my fears wrapped into one situation. At one time you told me that I lived hehind my long curly hair that the person I was seemed consumed in this. As I live through this I think of yu daily the person that I was you knew. I actually did love you the broken man you really were. I guess in the black and white of it you taught me more aabout myself than i ever knew. As I fight this cancer.. I think of you daily.. Not because of the feelings I had for you but because of the care you really did give to me. You looked at me tht day so long ago now and you said omething ws wrong. It was one of the reasons that I went to the doctor… yet you know me.. my intution strong. yet I have missed you, kissed the feeling of liethat you did give me. You were never good for me. Yet youwere weren’t bad for me either. I wait for you because whent he days end love of any kind is a gift ad I am not afraid t admit that my love for you ran deep, it was the only love I feel nI eer truly felt.  i did love a woman for many years trying to qwell the issues i had with my mother an I will never take away from that love. It was a love that took a lot of years in my life and the experience was just as real as the one that I felt for you. It lasted longer was never one sided. It shaped alot of the person that I have become but I can’t compare it to the depth of feeling I felt for you. You showed me  tht to connect with a person on so many levels is possible. The thing we sared was a deep intricate friendship that lost it’s footing went to far. It still touches parts of  me I wished it couldn’t. All the people that have come to visit me, all the people who love me I still wait to see your face. A face I don’t  even find that handsome. A man that I wouldn’t even be proud to say that  I know. Yet you changed me. In the midst of a lifetime that I am not exactly proud to even say that I know. I am not going to lie you impacted me.. The person that I am today ia majorly do to the time that we spent together. Whether it was perfect or not we connected. We were in thd least the best of friends. The last time we saw each other before my life drastically changed you were the one that noticed that something about me had changed. You loved me in your way in the best way you could, in the best way that someone like you could love me. In the honesty of this moment I should have listened sooner, maybe they would have caught it sooner but thank you to whatever you were to me because not much later I did listen and I am still here fighting. I am still giving faith to my God. Sometimes the things that we do experience is just to make us stronger and you made me stronger. the hurt, the cfonnection, the everything. The things that I did feel let me understand what love did feel like. I did love you. As I rememeber th pain of seeing you love other woman instead of the one that held you down, the one that gave without trepidation, the one who gave heart soul and body, it hurt yet it made me a fighter prepared me for these days here. This is the fight of my life, this is the cause of my existence to make it through this. So I pray, I keep my mind occupied, I try to believe that it is all for a testimony that God has set out in front of me. All the things that I worried about seems to be fading in the illness. It has built me to be a better version of myself. In my illness I see us for what we really were for what we were not and a part of me doesn’t want to see anything more than another past so that I can paint another future. Yet love is something that truly may be missed on a life that I will live so I give my truth regardless of how stupid it makes me look you were the closest thing I got to it other than her and I’m starting to see what you saw when you met her. A woman that didn’t regard me in a way that worthy not of me  yet you both were so similar when I look back I see maybe I didn’t love myself the way I should have. Now that I’m here I look to you in a way that I wan’t to be reminded of yhe things you would tell me. Even in the hurt that I felt in loving you, I have to admit that the best love that you did give to me was helping to build this person that is able to wake up every day ad have thea ttitude that will still fight with all she has. I wait for the friend that I do have in you. That is all we were meant to be. I see that now and with that closure in my heart I am able to embrace you. I am able to see the man you truly are.  Every woman wants a great love.. I am no different. The truth is I am only this a woman who in her illess is living her greatest fears. I am bigger than I ever was… the only reason I ever did any drug to keep the pounds at ay. God is teaching me the lessons the hard way. I ran from my mother to be here with her daily, lived beyond the vanity of my beautiful long hair to now have one. This is the greatest lesson that I COULD  have experienced. See today life is right in my face in a major way. These are things you have told me be the things that we spoke of years ago are here now. I know things of us you never heard or accepted but now I see that you can’t make someone feel or see something that they just don’t so now i just accept you as you are for everything that you are or are not. I had to do it for myself. In the midst of love that is all you can do right. So  I will wait for you to arrive as I know you coming to say yur piece to see the woman you  told to check that foot out……

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March 30, 2015 · 8:58 am

Writing The Good Fight

It’s late and I am in the mood to not sleep, the meds keep it hard to drift off into the late night and the hum of the book I am suppose to be writing highlights the thoughts in my head. Instead Rollbounce plays in the background and I find myself thinking how my thoughts are not the same as they use to be. It’s harder for me to complete thoughts. My clarity of thought is not the same. The tumor that has covered my brain has changed me and I keep thinking has it changed my writing for the better or the worse. I know it has changed the desire in me to write but it’s still their. I am reading more of other people’s work. I am more aggressive in my approach. Or better yet my attitutde is uglier or more aggressive but it takes me to a different place of thought.. the thought or kind of thought that makes me want to know more about progressing the writing further.. who is this writer becoming who will she be. The thing that has not changed is the wanting to write, the wanting to be heard. Now I am thinking of writing the good fight.  My auntie sent me a article about th way we need to recycle.. which we should already know but it seems we still don’t. so my idea today is we can at least give it to the homeless guy on the street who is trying to make his dollar ou fo fifteen cents.. that way the responsibility is not ours but we still get the job donewritesometi

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November 5, 2014 · 11:08 am

The Thoughts Brought About from Surgery

“We are going to drill a hole” with those words I left behind misconceptions, decided that faith has to be the leading thought. I can’t live in the fear that grips the heart of  a person and I won’t. I will be this woman that I have grown to be. As I look back at all the days I have cried. All the days that I have let fear lead me.. I find myself evolved in the face of death and I feel pride. So proud of myself. In these days I have felt so much love and support… this is something that I have prayed for. to be closer to my family. To cultivate the type of relationships that last beyond death.  When you have lived the kind of life I have, your course of purpose will be in others minds, tainted, sometime thwarted with mingles of bad choices, or executed decisions that are not in your best interest.  So while I have sat here in The world renowned… UCLA Medical Center… family, old friends and doctors… all looking to me for my next play… I don’t have anything to say but bring it on course has been drawn. Fear is not an option, direction, drive and making the best is the hour of power.

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June 10, 2014 · 5:18 pm

Smoldering Bad Habits

Living in the fog of old ways in the present days is like living in the dense smoke of second hand cigarette smoke. Inhaling burned tar without the euphoria of the exhale and release. Just stank stale smoke clinging to the cotton of first worn clothes. Smoldering bad habits that pile like buts of true smokers.. The lingering smells that never seems to truly evaporate. You no longer carry the fresh packs in purses or pockets.. But the stigma remains. Memories remain piled high in locked closets of brains you have since made amends with. Stating your wrongs, apologizing for the effects of your mistakes. New frames, new takes, down lists of names. Heads nod, lips move with declared understanding. Each day creating new memories that shine with bright intentions and better outcomes.. Yet that fog hangs around your name, your face. You want to emerge from it born anew, but you can’t erase your face, your name it still remains. You arrive changed, your thoughts rearranged with new list of to do, for you. They see you still stained by old moments, old ways. We pray each day for another chance, yet at first glance we still look the same. Can’t blame a memory that doesn’t fade. Even if the price was paid. Restitution applied with time accumulated of perfect days.. Will still just be an ornament of present with the precedent set!

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October 5, 2013 · 7:16 pm

My Final Scene..

You all broke my heart.
Tore me from my hope
Demolished the road paved to my dreams
Took the road of catered pain
Whether the rain
With the storms I could see
Instead of the serpents disguised

to look like love
Took the dark and unsure roads of risk
The ways of walking you taught
painted gold and shiny things were not the beautiful of rare gems
U glittered like gold
Just painted in acrylic with a dusted shine
Paying the fine
For crimes committed before my time
Deserted me, averted me
Perverted my sense of self
No love holds my heart
No jewels valued
She is my heart
Hot, wet
Something I can feel
I Know love, my true gift, nothing more than a valuable curse
Heart em blazed scattered among infinity
a universe crying it’s empathy
It’s pity died with mine.
It’s gone and so am I
Today we celebrate my last breath
In moments dedicated to righting my wrongs
The death of my love
I thought it would cling
Constant song of that ring
Of my need
To show you I care
Its to late
Kick me to the wolves.
Knock me down
Your suggested crown
Don’t symbolize “royal”
On your team
Never again
I am loyal
To me.. Giving all this love, all this good in my heart to God. Going to live the life that shadows the sun you burn in.. I choose the night where I can see what lurks before me.
Your blows left wounds that have pierced my purity.

Took away my trust..

Was already alone
Now I can stop pretending not to be..

Like roads don’t have two directions in which tread.

So sick,

diseased by love abused,

vacant and traumatized.

Lost life to fantasize for tree’s flowers and you welcoming me home.

life is bitter with lessons told.. And dreams sold

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September 28, 2013 · 5:56 am

What the Fuck Did you Say?

It’s getting old, the spoken exchange, a delivery between the entities of humanity

the use of words, it’s repugnant, abrogating vanity

Bellows of infectious negating  detestable,  personal vulgarities

What the fuck did you say, and  who the fuck are you to vomit your cacophony of lost

on to me as if I am to inhale the sewage you have spit out

 Get the fuck back, watch your fucking words, and your fucking mouth.

It’s no longer, a characteristic of personality labeled as flaw

Or your definition of just being candid, to real, and raw

Honesty is not exclusive to profane, offensive candor, or painful ways

it’s begun to be status quo , this cancer of excusable, I can say what I want to say infection that is spread

Symptoms : Egregious statements, ” You need to understand” , “You pissed me off.”

Truth is I don’t give a flying fuck about how pissed you are, how I need to understand, how it’s your this…

All these redundant, menial, rationing tools to alleviate the weight of the tonality, resonance, and inflection of the words you choose to use

These expressions, content of your emotions

Still does not exonerate you from the abuse

You have implemented to our dynamic,

Constantly, explaining  for the fact that ain’t nobody going to treat you, talk to you, like that

Stand around you  like this

It’s nothing but bullshit

The golden rule, gives the impression of simplicity, but respectively

You stupid muthafuckas most honestly, sadistically

choose to believe that you can say or do what the fuck you want to do

while others must adhere to your rule of tolerant modulation,

However, everyone else in regards to you, needs to watch their fucking  tone

Soon it follows this conversation

about consideration,

of respect you say you demand

Fuck that, what it really sounds like is a command

I understand the world must have rules, but prior to me doing anything,

You as I

Were taught,  to extend a courtesy of politely giving regard to the opportunity of being able to exhibit

free will

I wouldn’t dare not give reverence to God, for he already has provided me with the provisions

of his expectations

Yes the  possibility of failure is great

one of the hardest tasks

given,  he expects me to treat you like I want to be treated

So I am going to stay seated

and while your tone quickly accelerates beyond the octave that allows me my serenity

Seeking to use fewer words meant to diminish your light

A constant fight to hold on to peace

 

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June 4, 2013 · 12:08 am

If Love is my Desire, the…

If Love is my Desire, then beginning with hot fire, love won’t grow it will perish in the flames…

If I could suggest in this first moment
the opening line as this,
my best synopsis of a story yet untold
A man as I see, with a few things told
Do I dare just let it unfold
or give you a preview
spoilers inside
many step forward, yet a chosen few
invited to the proceed into my lair
a place built with love, faith, harmony

sexusality, feminity completely unique,  
all me
a pink emotion visual mystique
as far as the eye can see
out in the distance I went, drugged up on life
drunk with indulgences that the world negate
Starry rights, incandescent nights
fate’s romance
destiny’s decadence,
believing in belief
all that beauty we sacrificed with innocence

If I ask who you are
I won’t just ask you your name
I will divulge beyond the words
to entice my intellect
It’s all apart of defying the game
gaining respect
being different, not doing the same
things that leave us once again on this same road
Simply
I want to evoke the understanding of connection
imperfectly beautiful defining perfection
seeking a lover to kiss my soul
someone to share in the whole

SO I ask what inspires the man in you
the drive for more than just seeing
the living of believing
the moment of avid memory making
it was the misbehaving, the craving for heart
that created this first road to the beginning of
whatever is meant to be
So before we introduce our minds
Let me reinvent the hello
Here inside lies me, I am committed to faith
never fear, for year after year
God continues to reveal in my experience
that hindrance lies in my disability to giving him the praise
the honor, and my pain…
His love is never in vain
The next play in this game arrives with us both winning, inspired by the heart
is the first step to the gift of my acknowledgement
SO many a man don;t know how attractive it is to just be,
A man who defines simple elegance
To be a man of this design, you must be comprised first of heart
not just status, and it seems you without question are built of love
Less arrogance, mors substance

An arriving man is defined by me, as the new generation of men
who find being a man is not the seed your spread, but the foundation he lays
not how many women he can bed, but the amount of days
he can hear the same woman say, I am impressed and infected by your heart, kindness,
passion, sentiment
To find the man who I can tell daily.. “My love for you is infinite”
is the part of my desire
that creates a woman fueled by fire
So a man who cares for offspring, and can truly be called daddy
includes a defining characteristics of that man who is elegance
A truth, that can of man inspires me to reach to the clout it takes to be his queen
to care for his heart while, he cares for responsibilities
It also evokes emotional turbulence in my heart that seems to soar
yearning for more, above the clouds, beyond the sea, inside the rhythm of each breath I take
each promise I make, each day I live, each vow of emotional suspension I give

If you ask me who I am
She is me
a woman living inside her unique duality
depth found on travels amiss the norm
a heart that’s been tattered, torn
and then reborn
just to live inside of hope
I play to hard, and give less thought
to ‘things” than the average female
to many things to explore, to many tattles to tale, explore and reveal
to reveal my presence in what I can get
instead of what I can feel
labored in the art of love
I cook to bleed my heart and feed the bodies
of my beloved’s
Never just for me, it feels empty
Words, truth, justice evoke the inspiring agent inside of me
and uprising occurs
and then another part of Nya arrives
she is loud and complicated, opinionated and powerful
she is also the one that comes home to show the heat that needs to lite the fire
in the object of my desire…

If we ask
what will we find
if we first let our souls meet, then our minds
it might be extraordinary

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June 7, 2012 · 9:12 am