Tag Archives: relationships.

when possible isn’t

It’s not like it’s an untold story that most loves stories don’t end like the movies. Perfect and simple, pretty untold litle memories where it just happens to be we end up happy. Wouldn’t you rather it messy and ready to just read like manic moments of insanity and then then the parts where arms are held around me, my beat pulsating into rhythmns. I am in love, and in love knows no time. Arrives at your door messy and unshaven but ready. When possible isn’t that moment at the end with the perfect song playing, and we are in love. That wouldn’t be any fun. No story to tell there to neat.. I rather it the other way where I just touch you and I am musty in the sweat of our angst. The dirty angst of what we didn’t do, what we didn’t say. . We kept being wrong, touching where we shouldn’t, laying where we can’t get up to find ourselves in reality. Our reality is lost to this moment. You have come to this place with love in your movement but not in your words and why… I want to ask but answers are spoken in heart rhythmns as I have said. Our language is not of the ears of others. I want to be angry but all I can be.. is who God wants me to be, this woman in this place with situation at this time, with these words to hushed and whispered and screamed and penetrated and………..

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Filed under a rant of love, Choices, destiny

Dream You

I see you as eyelids touch full cheeks, your face pecan Browning e it against flawless skin, a man of African American lineage made just for me, the tattooed story of your experience hidden by shirts by day, exposed in the dark night to my finger tips, a voice of cool resolve and baritone enticing and assured. Educated by books convicted by experience. A heart large ready to. embrace the passion of the love I have within, no judgment in soulful brown eyes. Your imperfections beautiful. In love with God, you believe in the spirituality of living, the goal of a human soul. Can lead with love, can disagree with grace and emotional honesty, vulnerability doesn’t frighten you, trust leads the line of the things that binds a man to his half. A team is how you approach marriage, ambitious, yet still willing to touch new ground. Fear is nothing more than acknowledging that faith is needed. The mistakes of my past just parts of who I become, total acceptance in those sexy eyes. I dream you real, I dream you of my wants. You hold me in a bed made for two where there are no boundaries on the things we share. Our connection intercepts pain, trust blankets US, protecting us from the devils seeds of jealousy and fearful mistrust. Nothing plant in our garden as we plant beauty of the fruit of spirit, the chains of live that link us to blessing… starting with kindness, then patience, the fore sight of forgiveness, honesty. Our bodies live in the touch of hands, sharing emotion through the elements of attraction. A life of sharing, a life of Ssupport. You back ideas  that further my professional goals, read my words, watch me dance, I sit while you work, cheer you on, celebrating each goal you surpass. You fears are whispered in our sanctuary and my bosom lays for you to rebuild your strength. I pick up where you leave off. I offer my body for you to crawl into when the world seeks to threaten what you have built. I am your shelter. In our home you Are the king. Your kingdom your greatest accomplishment. I dream you with an identity. A life with true characters, supporting and leading. I dream you of all the things a man for me would fit perfectly… accepting. Kind, sexy, humble, creative, loyal, passionate, accomplished , able to help me reach the goals I have for me, the writing, the degree, the desire to touch lived, take care of family, enjoy friends, be in love like living is breathing each moment slowly…. I dream you in the vision I see. I dream with purpose. I dream you!

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Filed under a rant of love, change, desire, Emotion, evolution, growth, life, love, relationships, The L Word, The Me Files

Always With Me

I carry you in a place inside that keeps the monumental power of what your love taught me. A woman without a father needs the love you gave me. The kind of love that reached the places an absentee father needs a woman to have to learn her worth and beauty.  As I feel a new love touch my heart I remember the lessons learned in our journey. The promise of his arrival in your admission to my world is beyond the thanks and appreciation I can ever give to you. I knew in our first meeting I would be forever changed yet to know the true embrace of a love unconditionally given is worth more than all the riches I could obtain in this life. Out beyond a moon I can see… I know you live beneath its light. Without those days… the moments, those words I would not be a woman who knows what she deserves. To say I love you would be less than a million things I truly feel. No poetic prose could manifest the truth in the blessing bestowed in having experienced even the pain evoked by what we shared. You have become the beat of my heart, the strength in my character. No longer in love I finally can see the gifts you gave in leaving me without you in my daily life.  You gave me freedom to be who you saw in me. When the first intense sensation of emotion welled up in my chest grasping my release of our memory…visions overtook me. I saw your approval in the man that so deeply touched me with his admiration of who I had become…. I cried for you. Although we are millions of moments from our last touch, kiss you are there in my actions, in my words. We were the definition of souls intertwined. Our affinity was not about an earthly love. Our love gave me life and now I’m ready for a love that will allow me to live. I will never forget the reflection of me that came to life in the hollows of your brown eyes. I pray your heart hears my gratitude in loving me in all my flaws.

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This Life

one life to live, is the lesson we are taught as we grow into ourselves.. you only live once… So go yolo and live big… i have this friend and she has the life many writers dream of.. triumph and personal success. passion and love and independence and a home that will always be her home. i admire her, she is one of my favorite people…. i don’t envy her life only because i love me… This life has been jagged with edges dulled and then smoothed. Moments that could lacerate my belief in people, and then the perfect cut stitched with needles that are pretty and beautiful…. This life has made me this person that i see the same way I see Lauren…. proud, and privileged to know and have as a part of This life. I know these things about faith that set me apart and I am not being arrogant…. I am sharing this to share one thing…. Life is not always easy it has it’s edges that are jagged and it has it edges that are so smooth it seems unbelievable. Yet if you believe it’s for you to keep going and then you do… it makes the jagged edges feel so small and the smooth so incessant that it’s worth the cuts andbruises/  If you can forgive do, and if you can admire, indulge in it… and remember you are your greatest resource… sometimes we habe to be selfish and choose ourselves…. that’s only fair when you think about it..yet don’t forget that you live in a world big and with many other souls and we have to be their for each other… so bekind when it doesn’t seem important to be kind. Be love in all ways and don’t forget the sparks in touches and the cool yerstanding in the goose pimples that cover your skin…. some things we will not be bale to explain… some moments will garner nothing more than love and love can be studied and the findings documented but it will never be abl to really explained and that’s why This Life is so great to me… because the love I have experienced from people opened doors to a person that I know I love… I love me all imperfect and flawed.. with mistakes in my past and in my path.. i LOVE ME BECAUSE EACH DAY I HAVE TO LIVE ANOTHER I know me and I know who I am.. and in this life I may not leave behind explemnary experiences are successes mounted on the walls of my big home… but my relationships will be the trophy room in This life and I know it will show a woman with heart, with soul, with faith, with ideals that mark a life that I am proud to say is mine… because these are my markers, these are my successes… if I get the chance to marry and build a family it will be the thing I treasure… because I can be different… this emotional woman with her emotional words and her emotional life is proud of each tear… and while I chart the next sea I will cross and the next thing I will do… I will do it with This life as my documented shear of choices to be me a me that I admire and love like I do that friend I am so in awe of.. all those friends I am so in awe of,,,, because truthfully they all reflect who I am and where I have been……

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His Ego Altered

His  Alter ego

Began, a ruse

Something to amuse

Gun Slanga

“What I want….I always get!”

I am that brother…

No Need for Another

The cutie’s, with big booties… bent over seductively,

There’s nothing I want I don’t get”

Sounds like what I have been told about you

The man behind the creation of the MC…

“No MC, just rappa”

A booty tappa

All said playfully

So much truth in  disguise

In the  freedom of autonomy

A joke is always so revealing

who are you really?…

Gun Slanga

Self congratulated big bootie banga

Proclaiming, you know what you want,,,

Killing the “black man stereotypes professionally,

The job, the house, the life

Yet emotionally … yet at this age “no wife”

Just jokingly leaving remnants of woman being

Sexually needed only

Your chosen  alter Ego,  the cliché

Lady tapping, rhyme rapping dream sold fantasy

Life imitates art

So what happened to your heart?

I hear versions of discourse

They paint love with distrust

Women with no affinity

Your admitted love crimes

Describing activities fit

For Gun Slanga

That rapping Playa

You use to masquerade

The taunting  voices, of

shameful choices

You have made concerning “she”

Your truth I see

the aspired role

The Winner, Ace in the hole

A life you visualize,

You don’t believe will materialize…

Seems you learned the hard way

playing the game will get you played

 

Drawn to who you appear to be

a harem of living pleasures you call treasures

They see…

Handsomely created, educated, God-fearing, grew up with a father  good to his mother

Don’t need another type of brother

Yet They receive,  MC

Your altered Ego

Jokingly you speak

Sadly, I hear

FEAR,

Vulnerability, a rap you  don’t want to spit

Can’t control it

Love… is God given

Like  free-falling,

no net

You get what you want.. the job, the house, the life

what’s left…?

I can see it hidden in this joking ruse

disguised, clichéd lyrical alter Ego Gun Slanga….

slanging your regret.

Stuck in her power, your rapping muse

The reason you use…

For not being ready

Gun Slanga

That brother no need for another you claim to be

Its amazing

The truth a joke  told

About the dreams you sold

Gun Slanga is what you call him

Even that holds nothing true

Not about you

Slanging Guns is bold,

No Fear in slanging a gun

 

It’s cold

How you run?

smoked by the past….

That was then, it didn’t last.

It may be time to stop rapping

Gun down,  the clip is empty

What you want, you may get..

You know those…

Cuties with big booties bent over

Easy to “hit”

Even easier to quit

When asked about family… your response said love is what you hope for

You want more….

Inhale God, Fill your lungs with faith

Exhale the doubt Let the wind carry fear away

You believe denying

Is how your surviving

Denial is killing  you

Cutting short the breaths you take

The beauty in the memories you make

Pain can conquer emotional possibilities

Those voices of “what if”  are ….New choices of love opportunities

So Gun Slanga, you the man dating my best  friend.. JOKES aside.. Seriously

.Don’t let Ego alter  You Permanently

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Between Us Girls (Love Talk)

I hear the whispers of the girls in my world. Playing dress up in suits, sexy evening clothes and man the prime accessory, smell, and earn living just like that woman evolved does. Yet when you say man, they are once again those, sweet, naïve, hoping for that fairy tale, in her mommies heels. Back in elementary at recess, us girls were the mature brave confident girls when it came to this love thing. You had the balls to say how you felt.

Years of being that girl in heart that woman in action that wispy teenager in your sexual desire has left us here in these early years of our decade turn wishing the “boys” had caught up. The unpacked of living and the youthful actions of men have left my ladies so fearful and guarded. They don’t even realize that they have become equipped for bullshit so they see phantom bullshit in sincere situations. We have to see the difference in ourselves and men. Just like back on that yard. Pulling hair, slapping booties or even ignoring you got the point across.

Within the relm of words I find myself.. Nya Monea

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It Isn’t Easy…

It’s not easy, not easy putting on a brave face, acting as if everything is okay. Feeling lost and unsure of the next moment, the next step. It’snot easy just having faith that everything will work out. On the outside looking in, the perceptions of their stares defeat. Living for each day, and living for there expectations. Caring what other people think, rebuilding bridges to understanding and trust is no easy job. You smile, you nodd, you try… and once again your like a child. Being an adult in transition, rebuilding, with nothing is not easy. You don’t want to show up, because you don’t want to explain. It is not easy being right here in this moment, in this place, with these eyes looking at each move made to see if it will be another mistake, another lit match that will once again end in flames.

It isn’t easy caring what people think, caring about tomorrow, and rebuilding. Oprah can talk to a thousand public figures with big bank accounts about the next moment, the next chapter, and I am not saying it’s easy for them, yet i know the non factor of money makes it a lot more simple to rebuild the bridges. You get moments to exhale, to breath, to not worry about the eyes watching. The expectations of those who have already beared the rath of your ill advised decisions, accidents and plain ole wrong doings, mistakes, whatever you want to call them.

         I wonder if they look at the eyes that search for clues of activities when away, the eyes they search for lies as responses, and see the sadness, the tired grind of living up to rebuilding. I wonder if they see how hard it is to believe that things will get better, when your best just isn’t what they hoped it be. 

It’s not easy changing. Each moment, Each hour, Each day is a task of believing in yourself, in believing that while they may say they support you, that the thoughts they have deep down are wrong.  If only I could close a door, lock it, and just be with me for a moment, to regain belief that it will indeed be okay, that this present is just that, another present that will be survived. 

It isn’t easy knowing what really happened. It isn’t easy knowing that the decision to change wasn’t because it was so bad but because you couldn’t act like you didn’t care anymore. It isn’t easy knowing the truth you never tell, the secrets you keep so you can make it to another day. 

It isn’t easy to say…. I did what you asked, I did what was right, I did as God told me to, yet I still seem to pay everyday for yesterday. It isn’t easy saying I did pray, I do pray, but I still seem to be here anyway.  It isn’t easy hiding the tears, forcing them down so I don’t hear it said again you just need to pull it together, and figure it out. It isn’t easy just sitting and never saying with loud piercing words… Yeah I know I need to get it together, and maybe you don’t like looking at me like this… but think about how it feels to live it.. ashamed, embarrassed, tired and beat down inside.

I do have faith that it will all be okay, but faith doesn’t soothe the burns of rejection, or stop the bleeding of lacerated failure.

Faith is the possibility of a better time tomorrow, if I just get through today.  I will fall to my knees and pray… God please forgive me for the sin of my fear that it won’t be okay. Please forgive me for looking around and just wanting to surrender this life. I will do all I can to not wrong my fellow man, but I am not so good at not wronging me. Im starting to see the reflection in their eyes, starting to believe what they see, that’s easier than being me.

I’m tired dear God, so sad, so weak. It isn’t easy changing.  Not sure what you want me to learn from this lesson, or where your plan for my life might lead. Will I be the example, the disciple, the mean, or the end?  I’m asking dear God for just a small glimpse, just something to give me that last bit of tenacity I need, so I don’t turn back and go to the old. I don’t want to fold. I want to play, dear God just show me the way. It’s all I need to make it look easy once again. Make it easy to smile, to finish this last green mile.

 

 

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