Tag Archives: pain

No Longer A Voice

I dont really write anymore.. Stop doing that when my words became jumbled when I stopped being heard when I stopped believing I deserved to be heard. I wonder if anyone out there felt the same way.. like  a voice that use to speak to them hiding in the back of there head seemed to be silenced. A part of me has been murdered, that voice that would rhyme, that seemed to know how to weave words like intricate needle work.  Now I am quiet. the silence is binding. I wonder if this change is the me that is to follow if this is the show I will watch. in the outside world I want to be more than my circumstance but the silence has swallowed me

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Filed under a rant of love, change

Take My Spirit: You Can’t

I hear the footsteps of your pain, muddy with resentment, discontentment
A heart untouched by kind words,untouched by appreciation for what you give
The rain outside of your windows eternally fall unable to be sheltered from the picture you have painted to the world that fails to provide you the sunshine you need to grow and forgive
I hear them loudly in your tone
In your hurtful words
Your shield from the arms I open to protect you from  that downpour
Inhale my love, change your picture
Together we can clean your shoes
Clean away the dirty toils beneath your sole(soul).
Here we can change the forecast of our tomorrow
On our knees we can pray
I will stay within your grasp
Won’t leave you alone
Will set a new tone
In my willingness to be your umbrella in the storm
I feel your core
Feel the beauty you have lost
Just living in that rain
The insurmountable pain
Take my hand
I demand the light to shine within our time
Here we will endure bad, make a path to fine and arrive in the brightness of the sun
Vulnerabilities left with fear
Its time I share with you my faith
Its were my smile arrives
Its wear my pain is released
Its why my shoes are clean
Why the tears always end in a rainbow
Don’t live in the thunder, in that hurricane
Within is how we rebuild
Where we must heal….

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Filed under a rant of love, Choices, Emotion, life, pain, preception, relationships, religion, The World

His Ego Altered

His  Alter ego

Began, a ruse

Something to amuse

Gun Slanga

“What I want….I always get!”

I am that brother…

No Need for Another

The cutie’s, with big booties… bent over seductively,

There’s nothing I want I don’t get”

Sounds like what I have been told about you

The man behind the creation of the MC…

“No MC, just rappa”

A booty tappa

All said playfully

So much truth in  disguise

In the  freedom of autonomy

A joke is always so revealing

who are you really?…

Gun Slanga

Self congratulated big bootie banga

Proclaiming, you know what you want,,,

Killing the “black man stereotypes professionally,

The job, the house, the life

Yet emotionally … yet at this age “no wife”

Just jokingly leaving remnants of woman being

Sexually needed only

Your chosen  alter Ego,  the cliché

Lady tapping, rhyme rapping dream sold fantasy

Life imitates art

So what happened to your heart?

I hear versions of discourse

They paint love with distrust

Women with no affinity

Your admitted love crimes

Describing activities fit

For Gun Slanga

That rapping Playa

You use to masquerade

The taunting  voices, of

shameful choices

You have made concerning “she”

Your truth I see

the aspired role

The Winner, Ace in the hole

A life you visualize,

You don’t believe will materialize…

Seems you learned the hard way

playing the game will get you played

 

Drawn to who you appear to be

a harem of living pleasures you call treasures

They see…

Handsomely created, educated, God-fearing, grew up with a father  good to his mother

Don’t need another type of brother

Yet They receive,  MC

Your altered Ego

Jokingly you speak

Sadly, I hear

FEAR,

Vulnerability, a rap you  don’t want to spit

Can’t control it

Love… is God given

Like  free-falling,

no net

You get what you want.. the job, the house, the life

what’s left…?

I can see it hidden in this joking ruse

disguised, clichéd lyrical alter Ego Gun Slanga….

slanging your regret.

Stuck in her power, your rapping muse

The reason you use…

For not being ready

Gun Slanga

That brother no need for another you claim to be

Its amazing

The truth a joke  told

About the dreams you sold

Gun Slanga is what you call him

Even that holds nothing true

Not about you

Slanging Guns is bold,

No Fear in slanging a gun

 

It’s cold

How you run?

smoked by the past….

That was then, it didn’t last.

It may be time to stop rapping

Gun down,  the clip is empty

What you want, you may get..

You know those…

Cuties with big booties bent over

Easy to “hit”

Even easier to quit

When asked about family… your response said love is what you hope for

You want more….

Inhale God, Fill your lungs with faith

Exhale the doubt Let the wind carry fear away

You believe denying

Is how your surviving

Denial is killing  you

Cutting short the breaths you take

The beauty in the memories you make

Pain can conquer emotional possibilities

Those voices of “what if”  are ….New choices of love opportunities

So Gun Slanga, you the man dating my best  friend.. JOKES aside.. Seriously

.Don’t let Ego alter  You Permanently

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Filed under a rant of love, love, Uncategorized

It Isn’t Easy…

It’s not easy, not easy putting on a brave face, acting as if everything is okay. Feeling lost and unsure of the next moment, the next step. It’snot easy just having faith that everything will work out. On the outside looking in, the perceptions of their stares defeat. Living for each day, and living for there expectations. Caring what other people think, rebuilding bridges to understanding and trust is no easy job. You smile, you nodd, you try… and once again your like a child. Being an adult in transition, rebuilding, with nothing is not easy. You don’t want to show up, because you don’t want to explain. It is not easy being right here in this moment, in this place, with these eyes looking at each move made to see if it will be another mistake, another lit match that will once again end in flames.

It isn’t easy caring what people think, caring about tomorrow, and rebuilding. Oprah can talk to a thousand public figures with big bank accounts about the next moment, the next chapter, and I am not saying it’s easy for them, yet i know the non factor of money makes it a lot more simple to rebuild the bridges. You get moments to exhale, to breath, to not worry about the eyes watching. The expectations of those who have already beared the rath of your ill advised decisions, accidents and plain ole wrong doings, mistakes, whatever you want to call them.

         I wonder if they look at the eyes that search for clues of activities when away, the eyes they search for lies as responses, and see the sadness, the tired grind of living up to rebuilding. I wonder if they see how hard it is to believe that things will get better, when your best just isn’t what they hoped it be. 

It’s not easy changing. Each moment, Each hour, Each day is a task of believing in yourself, in believing that while they may say they support you, that the thoughts they have deep down are wrong.  If only I could close a door, lock it, and just be with me for a moment, to regain belief that it will indeed be okay, that this present is just that, another present that will be survived. 

It isn’t easy knowing what really happened. It isn’t easy knowing that the decision to change wasn’t because it was so bad but because you couldn’t act like you didn’t care anymore. It isn’t easy knowing the truth you never tell, the secrets you keep so you can make it to another day. 

It isn’t easy to say…. I did what you asked, I did what was right, I did as God told me to, yet I still seem to pay everyday for yesterday. It isn’t easy saying I did pray, I do pray, but I still seem to be here anyway.  It isn’t easy hiding the tears, forcing them down so I don’t hear it said again you just need to pull it together, and figure it out. It isn’t easy just sitting and never saying with loud piercing words… Yeah I know I need to get it together, and maybe you don’t like looking at me like this… but think about how it feels to live it.. ashamed, embarrassed, tired and beat down inside.

I do have faith that it will all be okay, but faith doesn’t soothe the burns of rejection, or stop the bleeding of lacerated failure.

Faith is the possibility of a better time tomorrow, if I just get through today.  I will fall to my knees and pray… God please forgive me for the sin of my fear that it won’t be okay. Please forgive me for looking around and just wanting to surrender this life. I will do all I can to not wrong my fellow man, but I am not so good at not wronging me. Im starting to see the reflection in their eyes, starting to believe what they see, that’s easier than being me.

I’m tired dear God, so sad, so weak. It isn’t easy changing.  Not sure what you want me to learn from this lesson, or where your plan for my life might lead. Will I be the example, the disciple, the mean, or the end?  I’m asking dear God for just a small glimpse, just something to give me that last bit of tenacity I need, so I don’t turn back and go to the old. I don’t want to fold. I want to play, dear God just show me the way. It’s all I need to make it look easy once again. Make it easy to smile, to finish this last green mile.

 

 

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We Made Our Last Memories

Last Night We created our last memories. The last time I would listen to your voice, say your name, feel your intense depth of understanding. While you spoke I saw the Love you are feeling, love for any other. Entitled to happiness, I must release you. I must free myself from the connection We share. Heard each Word , each detail of passionate pain they Have caused you. As you left My World, you have no idea that over the next several weeks I will purge myself on the intoxicating admiration that mesmerizes my truth. This love I feel knows that without this day it would not survive you. It will posion My belief, corrupt the reflection My eyes see. I know I Said I would never leave. I intended to live in this thing We do share. In an instant My truth became doubt. In your words, your revelation falling from lips that have rarely touched My own revealed that your Love rejects the explanation of Love I Have for you. You Said.she held you down, Stayed at your side When no allusions were displayed in your situation. Held you, kept you. You deny the power you give These things you deny you feel to your heart. Beaten, broken and scarred you nurse the wounds of her past. You claim her meaning to you. Freely you set me free.  My love was always here. Always loyal and true…. But never enough to be in your heart, the way they all Have auditioned to be.  The best friend you Have I now see… I am the place your soul and mind meet, yet you never allowed your heart to know me. Each breath taken to reveal the trails of your life, became the ammunition to free this heart enslaved. Love is still burning inside for you, but I dont Want to stay. I cant stay, must reduce the lifetime We invested in. Now Just a season. Will take all that has been given By God between us. Maybe our futures will intersect, better, and in Sync for whatever We could be. Its time I set you free, give My heart a.chance to be loved. I Want the best for you. From afar I will see it, . Wish I could be braver,less selfish.

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Filed under a rant of love, change, love, meaning, pain, personal understanding, relationships, self love, unrequited love, Written Emotion

Last Night We created our last memories. The last time I would listen to your voice, say your name, feel your intense depth of understanding. While you spoke I saw the Love you are feeling, love for any other. Entitled to happiness, I must release you. I must free myself from the connection We share. Heard each Word , each detail of passionate pain they Have caused you. As you left My World, you have no idea that over the next several weeks I will purge myself on the intoxicating admiration that mesmerizes my truth. This love I feel knows that without this day it would not survive you. It will posion My belief, corrupt the reflection My eyes see. I know I Said I would never leave. I intended to live in this thing We do share. In an instant My truth became doubt. In your words, your revelation falling from lips that have rarely touched My own revealed that your Love rejects the explanation of Love I Have for you. You Said.she held you down, Stayed at your side When no allusions were displayed in your situation. Held you, kept you. You deny the power you give These things you deny you feel to your heart. Beaten, broken and scarred you nurse the wounds of her past. You claim her meaning to you. Freely you set me free.  My love was always here. Always loyal and true…. But never enough to be in your heart, the way they all Have auditioned to be.  The best friend you Have I now see… I am the place your soul and mind meet, yet you never allowed your heart to know me. Each breath taken to reveal the trails of your life, became the ammunition to free this heart enslaved. Love is still burning inside for you, but I dont Want to stay. I cant stay, must reduce the lifetime We invested in. Now Just a season. Will take all that has been given By God between us. Maybe our futures will intersect, better, and in Sync for whatever We could be. Its time I set you free, give My heart a.chance to be loved. I Want the best for you. From afar I will see it, . Wish I could be braver,less selfish.

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Filed under a rant of love, change, love, meaning, pain, personal understanding, relationships, self love, unrequited love, Written Emotion

Visions of My Past

The year is moving rapidly, peddling through the days at warped speeds, the past moving so far behind I wonder if moments actually happened or if it’s just my imagination. My memories are becoming weary. Faded pictures lost in the composites of my thoughts. Inspiration lost to the mundane of daily living and I wonder if the pen I use to rely on so much, the pen that fueled my sanity in the middle of chaos is no longer my closest ally and I wonder if I am lost in the right, preferring to wind up my thoughts in the bad. Emotion seems fleeting, and passion gone, lost to just making sure the bills are paid. Making sure work is the priority for each day. Visions of my past haunt me with temptation. Temptation to see the swirling smoke of my old negative choices. I miss my piercing mind numbing intoxicants. Yet they are gone, never to return again and I feel that. Feel that old friend sitting along side my pen and I feel as though parts of me have died. The permanence of death dangles in the aftermath of change. Have traded sunny days for 1500 days of winter cold. Moved from the west to the east. Have traded bad choices for better understandings. The dark side of positive change, is the expectations of stability and maintaining the days you have now built. That bridge from what is to what can be to what was.  The fear of admittance is strong, deliberate and penetrating. Yet it will not still the beauty of what is. The beauty of the change that brings smiles to those around me, those who vowed love for me, and then the naysayers. The ones that linger in those visions of the past I have escaped. They are ones who make it easy to leave behind what is missed. Making those longing moments only short fleeting moments. Faith is strong, and fear can be stronger. Combining the two makes those visions just faded pictures seen only to the thoughts that don’t transpire

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