Tag Archives: living

Today for Choosing

Choices are made for definitive reasoning…. Make your choices with, I live with the intent of positive and feel the vibrations of greatness. This day has defined life for me in a new meaning, in a new space. I embrace it, I will it to change me into the person God has destined me to be. I see the power in life, the design of love, the importance of forgiveness   I look to the love I have been given today and I give it to faith, thankful for these moment before my life is altered forever. i feel your strength in my breath. I feel your unconditional love in my heartbeat, I feel your presence in my family. I feel your mercy in my ability to change. I feel you GOD. I have no fear in the eye of this storm, you have awakened me, with the introduction to this new beginning i give it to you. I am ready. I smile moving into the grief of life for I can make mine a meaning, a belief, a truth.

I live today for tomorrow, each choice, each moment, each understanding….

TO MY FRIENDS… WHEN I WAKE UP, COME TO ME, MEND MY WOUNDS WITH THE LOVE THAT ALLOWED ME TO LIVE… i DON’T REGRET MY LIFE

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July 11, 2014 · 6:58 am

What Next?

Knowing what comes next, is a thought that is percieved as if knowing, will in some way keep you from the darkness of life. The disappointment, the lost, the pain, the rejection. If we just know what is going to be, we can somehow make each day full of something possible positive. Hope, faith, belief, we find these cast wrapped around our broken moments, days. The memories are settled into these infinite cast of knowing that with each obstacle left to heal in it’s aftermath will one day mend, and that cast can be removed and the truth of the repaired perception will give us rehabilation. A new route to the already destined destination of our lives. If we only knew what the next maze held, a resting place, a new travelor to connect with,a dragon breathing it’s heat of new pains, a well with new gains. If only I knew what was coming next, I would be able to survive the step to the end. Yet knowing is only a crutch, how many identical steps would we ultimately take… most likely more than a few. Knowing does nothing but make you accountable for being accountable for each choice. In living with the unknown we begin a novice, able to wear the naviety with pride, instead of shame. I have known, I have seen, but didn’t learn. If only I didn’t have to wonder about what was coming next I would be free.. free to live, to learn, to own each choice golden, each choice failed, and each choice of undefined.

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Place a Bet ? (Rants)

This place I am from, breeds dreamers, believers in the making of fantasies. I wonder some days if it makes us crazy. Yet I look around at Hollywood, and I realize I have been born of dream makers. Not my parents but my surroundings. We equite life to art, and art to the imitation of emotion. This pen is my tool, my life, my therapy,  my vision. Yet I have lost my belief in dreams because the practicum says that doing what you want when you want is not prosperity. Yet if it is healthy and beautiful why can’t it be possible. I am running from nothing to believe in something. I t sounds like washed up words behind million dollar unknowns. The risk you place at the table of opportunity is not a heavy wager to success is it. Yet the wager on the actual possibility of the opportunity is great. A high roller style risk. The bet of everything placed on the actuality of nothing. If your talent is the bet what amount would you wager, how much would you risk. I am afraid of nothing dangerous, but so fearful of anything meaningful, always have been. Here in the height of building me… I find less belief in my dreams. My pockets heavy with the sorrows of the past those place chips outweigh the white chips that are full of promise, full of relief from the grief of mistakes made, of bad days turned into impossible mistakes. Can’t build on wrong, can wager on lessons learned, but no home can be built on that shaky ground. The risk is to high, the tide to rough, the waters to deep. Will I lose the bank roll, placing wagers on belief, will I drown in a sea of regret? Will I forget the lessons learned beneath the harsh sun of the presence. Is there  a story here to tell. In my jail I dream of redemption. Yet in that moment I realize redemption is not a game of stakes, but a game of will, a game of skill. There is no bet at the table, the cards won’t be drawn, this game is about what you know with what you got.

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Sometimes I Want to Say “Bitch Please”

Sit the fuck down, ain’t nothing about you better than me

Except maybe the fact that you go around thinking the shit you do is worth something more 

than the praise you give yourself

Save a life

Remind someone how beautiful they are

These are things I find beautiful

the Steps inside promise that create change

the honest mementos of love 

that take the sour taste out life

Those that you share with strangers

those are rants that may escalate you to the likes

of better than

Instead of  what I see

Your candor of judgement

mimics of hurtful glances to enemies

and opportunities to belittle the people

struggling to make the end meet the chance

Just hoping for luck

when skill seems to be lacking in the execution

You laugh at the decay of physical kindness

Find the humor in the displayed lack of humility 

Your degree hanging from the wall inside the office

of your conformity

Does nothing for the truth 

that your children have become buillies of their

peers, play telephone with the fears

of their friends

these are your trophies

“Bitch Please”

call me nothing

remind me of my failures

and still hold on to the moronic belief

that the relief you feel is superiority

that by being in the upper level minority

of what society has labeled succesful

means prosperity

Prosperity lives in the breaths between laughs

in the understanding after falling

In the faith 

after lost

So Instead of wanting to say it I just will

Bitch please if you believe

that you are better than me

 

 

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Dear Me…. About Two Years Ago

It’s been just you and I for our entire life. From the moment of conception, in those weary days where the outside world beyond mom’s womb has not exactly made a concrete decision on  whether we were even yet a person or not, it has been us, or better yet I. We wouldn’t want the world to believe that I or better yet we are mentally unstable.You are my former self and I have separated us for the pure fact that I have extricated myself from you by experience and pain, by forgiveness and well, just plain old growth and evolution. I have evolved beyond the moments of tears for nothing, or getting high for escape. Instead I have chosen to embrace my mistakes, and forgive the moments that we have experienced that have caused me or us pain. I feel less pain today then I did when I was a complete replica of you and I want you to know that I forgive you as well. I forgive you for your mistakes, for your misguided attempts at living, and I applaud you for your candor and your risks in life. If their was no you, there would be no me. Sometimes I think of you and I create advice for the similar situations in which I experience, I know that you know the paths that I should have taken even when I forget. You are close to God, new in your faith and open to see the miracles in the daily life you lead, where I have fallen short of belief, faith and hope in the present. It’s why I wanted to write you and I hope you write me back, because I have come full circle to the moment that changed us. Right before the fist of our sister contacted with our flesh over something as menial as the dvr. We lived and we forgave her, and we tried to show the belief of forgiveness in our actions to be here, struggling after so many positive decisions. Yet we are judged by those who were around us with no true understanding of who we were and who we are. Telling stories of us being “cracked out” and laughing about it as though it was true.  We were much more willing to be honest with the them and our self, and in living a view more days, experiencing a few more things we have forgotten to believe in people, we have forgotten to not just forgive them their misgivings but forgive our self for wanting to still believe even when we should do so from afar. I have lost my ability to just keep looking on them with loving eyes and saying, it’s okay to be you, but you will not make me less because of who you are.  This letter to me, about two years ago wants to say I forgive you believing that the choices you made would not affect the person I am today whether the choices were good or bad. I miss you in so many ways, I miss our freedom, but I love my growth. For a long time what people thought meant something to us back then but you didn’t care what they thought, you loved, and lived and were just who you were at that moment and I am not going to lie, I miss that part of me, that freedom, that reflection of who you were to us, and I mean us because while they have the negative to say, they forget to talk about how you listened, how you forgave, how you learned through humility to be kind. They forgot that while you listened to them state their emotional standpoints you really never said much, you just smiled and wrote it all down, Those who have remained have seen the growth and know who you are, those who have left you behind have lost the opportunity to know me. The people who got me through those days have had that same opportunity to meet the knew you and you are  much stronger now, you have transformed into me, You may not know anymore what to do with the daily, but you know how to treat a person. You would be proud of some our changes, and others would make you sad because you liked your bad but if we don’t talk sometimes,I might forget that how people see you matters, it just doesn’t mean the world. That opinion is God’s alone and let’s be frank,he loves you, he loves me and well he always knew.

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Visions of My Past

The year is moving rapidly, peddling through the days at warped speeds, the past moving so far behind I wonder if moments actually happened or if it’s just my imagination. My memories are becoming weary. Faded pictures lost in the composites of my thoughts. Inspiration lost to the mundane of daily living and I wonder if the pen I use to rely on so much, the pen that fueled my sanity in the middle of chaos is no longer my closest ally and I wonder if I am lost in the right, preferring to wind up my thoughts in the bad. Emotion seems fleeting, and passion gone, lost to just making sure the bills are paid. Making sure work is the priority for each day. Visions of my past haunt me with temptation. Temptation to see the swirling smoke of my old negative choices. I miss my piercing mind numbing intoxicants. Yet they are gone, never to return again and I feel that. Feel that old friend sitting along side my pen and I feel as though parts of me have died. The permanence of death dangles in the aftermath of change. Have traded sunny days for 1500 days of winter cold. Moved from the west to the east. Have traded bad choices for better understandings. The dark side of positive change, is the expectations of stability and maintaining the days you have now built. That bridge from what is to what can be to what was.  The fear of admittance is strong, deliberate and penetrating. Yet it will not still the beauty of what is. The beauty of the change that brings smiles to those around me, those who vowed love for me, and then the naysayers. The ones that linger in those visions of the past I have escaped. They are ones who make it easy to leave behind what is missed. Making those longing moments only short fleeting moments. Faith is strong, and fear can be stronger. Combining the two makes those visions just faded pictures seen only to the thoughts that don’t transpire

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My Essence is my Presence

My Essence is my Presence.

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The Original Disney Movies.. The Adult Lesson Plan

if we filled each entertaining moment with a choice of family programming I think we might be better for it. Did you ever notice that the Original Disney Movie, and the Original ABC family movie, teach lessons of love with fortitude. Love is a word that I have known since my earliest days of memories. It dates back in my lifetime periodicals far before I knew anything of dislike, disdain or even understood the magnitude of pain. I don’t remember to much programming or tv from the early formidable years except for Shelly Long, Troop Beverly Hills  Hello Again, Troop Beverly Hills, Splash, and Highway to Heaven which is a very stellar movie, and of course She’s Out of Control. One thing that all these memories locked away in my heart is the overwhelming importance of love, sacrifice and hope. This year I have begun to embrace life with a new zest, a new outlook and definitely a new intent. Love is this amazing thing, and us people, we are equally as extraordinary. Maybe if we spent less time lusting for a greedy life, a greedy existence of desire, and dulling of senses for the sense of physical pleasures we would find our true smile, our true hope hiding behind the most simplicity that life can provide. The answers we seek to our most internal peace are taught to us in the most beautiful of things in our childhood. In friendships, in first love notes. We learn these behaviors of misery, of disdain, and envy. We learn manipulation of spirit of emotion around about school days when we feel the first nudges of distance from other people. For as beautiful as our hearts are as small children, at home we soak up in most days all the love a little person can hope for even when our homes are not exactly as life states it should be. We go off to school and other peoples views of us become an important part of our world, and we want them to love us the same way, we want friends to be so full and fruitful, we want to have allies. Yet the older we grow and the more we understand, the more complicated it becomes. We beat down possibility with out the humbleness of being children. Did you know how much God is those happy family movies. So much it burst from the screen and sometimes the tears that begin in our eyes our tear ducts become waterfalls of understanding and change and we are touched. I might be a little shy to say this but I live for the moments to feel things, to be moved to emotion, to be apart of how love can change a thought, open a closed door to a forgiving heart. Be apart of making your own Original Disney Movie, apply your adult lesson plan to this school of life that never stops teaching. Be hopeful, be peaceful, be brave, be full of life and be full of love. Enjoy life without the greed to be better, the greed to be seen, the greed that keeps you feeding on misery.

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Absence , Yours Held Me

in the mirror I see you,

their in the slant of my eyes

at your featured cleft copied to my chin

Can’t escape the you that’s is the beginning to my core

can’t take away from the four

identifying marks that label me yours

you aversion to love, you abuse of truth

I can’t escape which I was dervived of

Can’t erase what I arrived from

All of it a part of me

even the dark dingy parts that make me want to resists myself

violently, denying any parts of you reside within

as much as I want to use the word hate to combat the lack of love shown

with each hurt feeling bruise of your lack of action , I have grown

I know I can’t change you but use you as a propelled in flesh example of what not to be

you see even in the pain, wet from tears pouring like rain

those portals of rain became the chain of links that left me with truth

disappointment of desire to have arms circled around my misunderstanding

taught the lesson that even those issued jobs of caring won’t care if God is not present in their intent

to some extinct

the sadness has become pity

A sentence of infinity deadbolt locked to life, here in this hell fell beyond heaven

left to atmospheric us humans inside deep the soul lives

I know this life is to come to a close at some point

i feel the truth of humanity, the gift of this human suit made of leather repairing skin

which is done right one time will show that its all about appreaciation

appreciating the bad days along with the good

ALDAY

Your home as gritty as ghetto’s with shot soaring through the quiet nights

My hood no different, just without the sadness of others the binding of brothers by gangs

no rising brotherhood connecting me to sentimentality of feeling no my hood was small, just two you and I

as i began down the path of streets beat to avoid your face

my never dying disgrace to you lips

your taste for me had me stripped fom the seasoned food of my truth

Soon I would find out that your hood, your dynasty of control

was trully hood… it was a exit exam for elementary thought and enabled mind

so many of peers owned.. yes it was a hood of divinity and it expelled the weak and ignorant and built intelligent sympathetic warriors see Hood.. Was Heaven’s opportunity for me offerinig definitive characterstics.

A suburbian home of midlife love comfortable and daily the same

does not build believers of fight

Believers in the right of the common good

I did grow hurt and I did deter from the roads that others will call right

yet warriors training gladiators don’t come from homes of lies so perfect they feel like truth

with perfect youth tales all surface no lessons of shame, or eyes of change

A later in life successors comes fom the experience of life unpopular by popular belief

if smiles were not made to be appreaciated from previously understated or underrated

melodic sighs of relief

that I would be just a spoiled doll girl like so many peers still lost in the formindable years when me was all that could be heard fom their wanting lips

Those girls who played with the rounded grounds of attraction, firm booties, high titties and the  ability to just get without work

So I must say thank you for your damaging ways,  selfish days never producing conversations of my little lady warnings

the exception is “don’t be like me regretting babies wishing i was some other place other than here

The direct consequence is my eloquence,

my heartbeat strong, my fear only a motivation

my denying of mediocrity , my journey on a road to beliefs untaught by your presence inbred by your absentee parenting

Now I look over at my paiin and it seems so lame in compariion to what it is your feeling or hiding.This time I must admit

not so different fom you so confused and immersed in me

With the revision of faith and the appearence of belief, the admission of guilt

the action of accountability

My path now changed taking roads chosen by instinct, lesson learned consequence simple

when roads of right. treated quoted to our young learning,  one of the few truth from that

basic instructions before leaving earth booklet,

some learned before idea is first person, the bible

use it, to conform, read it for summation noy literal be valued for lesson as seen in, experienced shared i

this statement earned number lesson, how you retrieve the most abundant of blessings

treat those who your connection in all things as you have to you

powerful, but simple in its explanation no need for interruption

no belief, no movement, no revolution will differ in it’s exploration or delivery

it simply knows nothing of experience or sensation

for those not with words so pretty, it’s easy no detail

not doing what I don’t want relayed to me

Its alot heavy yet,

Yet, so easy to carry,

Unlike that wrong which was lite, difficult to carry

infectious consequences side effect crippling

Manipulating the mind,

Deliberate retreats to sell illusions, graphic delusions,

I resist this I won’t apply, your inability to to look outside I

Yet, me the I inside is the only 3Ye used to see, speak, or feel,

I do not have to apply those learned behaviors

Instead, ideal earned by nurturing the difference I see

So I click back, Undo, the application permissions,

hating me for hating the you in me

i forgive my reflection for it’s likeness to you

yet if I forget to trust that raw inner feeling

test ahead for faith, notification

I find the beauty of letting go and letting GOd.

He made me of you so I could take care of you

so I might as well take the express train to acceptance

your never going to change

That story is gone so old , its time to start a new book, a new story

a new page

 

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To Relieve Perception: I am my Prescription

The life I have lived has not be any means been simple, uncomplicated or without the pain of heart breaks, lost friends, mistaken moments of choice or what I have found to be so dynamically important… the element of substantial honesty to one’s self.  Honesty which has been stated to be the best policy in this work that is living. Why? I have found the true reason is not because the policy of happiness is reliant upon speaking truth yet because having the policy of speaking of action in it’s true state, emotion in it’s true state is the way of walking the path in a matter that allows us the opportunity to not have to choose a crossroad of additional complication. Truth is a heavy word with light appliance in this world we live in. Yet the weaving of tales is something that stems from defense of pain. Defense of perception, judgement, a need for being wanted and loved. Yet when those tales become a tool of offense for perception, judgement, a need for being wanted and love it becomes a endless stream of running negative that will wash onto the shores of our own reflection. Yet we see the consequence of how a tale becomes a word of gritty disdain and the tale becomes a lie.  A lie is something that your first deny within yourself… you are calling objection to the court of you. Your moral dillema, your internal belief, your acceptance of self.

The Journey within is something I know is not unknown to the creative entity. We are always so intricately aware of how we feel and the the demise or surprise of the consequence. We are so aware of the element of feeling we can not run from it and when we try we must completely alter the state of mind and even then sometimes it is more blatant then the pupil of the eye. For the common sort, it can be willed, wished, or actively pushed away. Lost in angry slights of school shootings, murdered bodies pilling in lost ghettos of other homes of people whoto one day lose belief in hope. My point is clear and concise… to begin anything, to love anything, to believe in anything, you must first start with the person who must face you when you are nothing but their own company. That annoying entity that tags down roads you wish to erase with reminders that notify more often than twitter when it is ignored… the heart, the mind are the components that together make up the soul. The soul is given to the body. The body is a gift and should be nurtured, but to preach and reck the shop of person is not my intent…

 

 

I love myself and tell myself the truth to avoid another complicationof thought. Living is already a conjucted set of compromising and opposing options and ideals. If I allow myself to go off my meds of me, and loving me so much that I do not deny myself the choice of educated chooseability, then my reality becomes  a nightmare on foot to negativity and negativity will kill me with fear and fear will make me vulnerable to the dangers denial. And if I lie to me than I will lie to you and then who am I but a fake version of some person who I don’t really want to be because I choose to deny who I really am and ifd I wanted to be this other version of me wouldn’t I just be but secretly I am not proud of that person. It is why I only bring her out when the faces who surround me cause me to see a amended reflection of me. That is when I realized a while ago it was not me who wanted to start a trial of stories but I needed to start a trial of non offensive understandings… I wanted to not hurt, not be something and that something that led me to choosing to lie to the world but really I was lying to myself, rationalizing the option not facing something and some days I forget what it was, but it was painful, that much I know because just facing the answer to the simplest question caused a churn of longing to be able to just decide. Yet at some point I had stopped decidinhg and I was feeding myself chemicals of trying to be the person I admired in front of me. The people with the things I didn’t have …. and at that moment I realized something in side of me didn’t like something in me about me and when I got tired of just believing that it would all just change… the miracle of people who loved me even on days i didn’t know me began me thinking… I think the day I first began believing was a day that really made me think of someone else because a thought came to my mind and the thought took me to a thought from being  9 and I was afraid and more quickly then any other decision I asked a question and that question changed me… the change was slow and deliberate because I was learning from books or my family but from friends and incidenrs. Yet the miracle of love is gripping and life altering so just think how you can relieve the perception of the world when you love yourself enough to be your own prescription. No scar or flaw can diminish the true beauty of body for the the beauty is left to the perception of the holder of that thought. How is your personal perception…. When it is srtrong and with eyes sighted by faith you are not able to be moved and when your belief in the world is something that really impresses you….you fall in a love so deep that it literally will send you on a roundtrip to the place you buried and sometimes it gets you angry and sometime it makes you sad… but it wasn’t the tale that caused you the fear that mutated into the diease of perception and then the cancer of dislike and pain… it was the feeling that wounded you. A feeling that kept and ignored….can change you…

I was lucky…. I was a survivor, cured but I struggled and fell into remission more times than I admit willingly. Yet I sometimes believe that being a survivor is about thriving in the living that before you could not. I have faith today that God loves me… I love me, and in not loving myself before they way I should… I am now able to love other people in a way they’re made to feel stronger because loving someone is loving the flaws and all.

 

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