Tag Archives: learning

The life of dealing

How I deal with pain
Is as simple as accepting what’s there….
Life is not fair
Never thought it would be
I just do me
No normality in my stance
A strange duality my brand
I write
I love
I pray to God….. he keeps me above
Submitting to negativity
I hold my friend’s hand
I listen
I speak
I left behind choices of destruction
Building a new infrastructure
The faction is here
I been queer
Don’t live in fear
Take it by faith, hold my on weight
My intuition to my choices led by instincts
Seek to love like God.. .through turmoil and struggle
Believe in treating others as I wish to be treated myself
Keep my bullshit on a shelf
Say what I feel as well as mean
Evaluating the scene
Before I redeem any points to be earned
I apply the lessons I learned
I deal with my version of real
I deal with the emotional side of things
My heart brings a song
And for so long I denied my intrinsic musicality
Those days are gone
The time is now
My moment to wow the world
To be the woman God intends for me
Gotten me this far
I know he won’t leave me today
Another life game that’s must be play
The things I say they have power
Be kind,be humble
Be honest in truth
Take the lessons and apply them when they are most needed
In the past that way has succeeded
In the route to right
So here I am tonight on how I deal…
By being true to what  I feel

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Filed under a rant of love, change, Emotion, life, pain, personal understanding, writing

The Thoughts Brought About from Surgery

“We are going to drill a hole” with those words I left behind misconceptions, decided that faith has to be the leading thought. I can’t live in the fear that grips the heart of  a person and I won’t. I will be this woman that I have grown to be. As I look back at all the days I have cried. All the days that I have let fear lead me.. I find myself evolved in the face of death and I feel pride. So proud of myself. In these days I have felt so much love and support… this is something that I have prayed for. to be closer to my family. To cultivate the type of relationships that last beyond death.  When you have lived the kind of life I have, your course of purpose will be in others minds, tainted, sometime thwarted with mingles of bad choices, or executed decisions that are not in your best interest.  So while I have sat here in The world renowned… UCLA Medical Center… family, old friends and doctors… all looking to me for my next play… I don’t have anything to say but bring it on course has been drawn. Fear is not an option, direction, drive and making the best is the hour of power.

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June 10, 2014 · 5:18 pm

Dear Me…. About Two Years Ago

It’s been just you and I for our entire life. From the moment of conception, in those weary days where the outside world beyond mom’s womb has not exactly made a concrete decision on  whether we were even yet a person or not, it has been us, or better yet I. We wouldn’t want the world to believe that I or better yet we are mentally unstable.You are my former self and I have separated us for the pure fact that I have extricated myself from you by experience and pain, by forgiveness and well, just plain old growth and evolution. I have evolved beyond the moments of tears for nothing, or getting high for escape. Instead I have chosen to embrace my mistakes, and forgive the moments that we have experienced that have caused me or us pain. I feel less pain today then I did when I was a complete replica of you and I want you to know that I forgive you as well. I forgive you for your mistakes, for your misguided attempts at living, and I applaud you for your candor and your risks in life. If their was no you, there would be no me. Sometimes I think of you and I create advice for the similar situations in which I experience, I know that you know the paths that I should have taken even when I forget. You are close to God, new in your faith and open to see the miracles in the daily life you lead, where I have fallen short of belief, faith and hope in the present. It’s why I wanted to write you and I hope you write me back, because I have come full circle to the moment that changed us. Right before the fist of our sister contacted with our flesh over something as menial as the dvr. We lived and we forgave her, and we tried to show the belief of forgiveness in our actions to be here, struggling after so many positive decisions. Yet we are judged by those who were around us with no true understanding of who we were and who we are. Telling stories of us being “cracked out” and laughing about it as though it was true.  We were much more willing to be honest with the them and our self, and in living a view more days, experiencing a few more things we have forgotten to believe in people, we have forgotten to not just forgive them their misgivings but forgive our self for wanting to still believe even when we should do so from afar. I have lost my ability to just keep looking on them with loving eyes and saying, it’s okay to be you, but you will not make me less because of who you are.  This letter to me, about two years ago wants to say I forgive you believing that the choices you made would not affect the person I am today whether the choices were good or bad. I miss you in so many ways, I miss our freedom, but I love my growth. For a long time what people thought meant something to us back then but you didn’t care what they thought, you loved, and lived and were just who you were at that moment and I am not going to lie, I miss that part of me, that freedom, that reflection of who you were to us, and I mean us because while they have the negative to say, they forget to talk about how you listened, how you forgave, how you learned through humility to be kind. They forgot that while you listened to them state their emotional standpoints you really never said much, you just smiled and wrote it all down, Those who have remained have seen the growth and know who you are, those who have left you behind have lost the opportunity to know me. The people who got me through those days have had that same opportunity to meet the knew you and you are  much stronger now, you have transformed into me, You may not know anymore what to do with the daily, but you know how to treat a person. You would be proud of some our changes, and others would make you sad because you liked your bad but if we don’t talk sometimes,I might forget that how people see you matters, it just doesn’t mean the world. That opinion is God’s alone and let’s be frank,he loves you, he loves me and well he always knew.

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Nebulous Amorphous

It might have been forever until this day, 

I denied uncertainty

a creation of situations to survive

rather than the definitive choices to  thrive

Yet today has arrived

All the wrongs just to defy my idea

A safe terrain

Alone in exile

A life deferred.

A word, lonely

Meaningful

yet without the context of the sentence it lives within 

to be more than just a word

but an idea

A conceptual purpose

A solitary combination  of symbols

A nebulous amorphous

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Until It Happenes

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Lost in the forest, alot of us are just that for a good portion of life. If your like my sister aware and sure and ready to prove a point, maybe you wouldn’t be able to understanding a little girl pink, lost in the forest of her thoughts, waiting for life to show her it can be kind, honest, and steady. I choose a stead path of bad choices and ill advised connections. That’s what the average person would tell you. From the stands of my life that’s all they  would be able to see, but this is a cross country meet, no 440 dash. No tennis game and definitely no basketball. Maybe  a good match up on the grid iron. Padded up and definitely in need of a defensive line, I the quarter back, have been sacked many times, yet some how, I am apple to get back in the huddle.  Today a few decades ago I was born, a sweet girl I have been told. Yet no 32 years later I have become something much different. I grew up with my mom, a woman with a sharp tongue, and a not so great emotional compass. She was harsh and selfish, and never changed. I have told this story so many times it’s begun to bleed it’s unmportance. I am a crier, I always have been this way, and before I knew better I would allow people who didn’t understand why I cried to tell me that I shouldn’t cry. But I really don’t give a fuck. My tears calm me, they remind that as quixkly ad I was hurt or angered, I can just as quickly fogive, let go and move I have also been told that  believe my mean  as momma owes me something. And she does, my respect and to treat me decently because these are human rights. Everybody owes every one this regardless of age, nationality, sex or any other thing else we use as fucking scape goats to be cruel and unkind and mean to other people.  There was also a time that I didn’t say much when people did cross these boundaries, I would cower into my own little corners and cry, but being in the world the way I have been, was definitely a school of experience and it did toughen me up… but it didn’t cool my heart any, didn’t wsh away any of my commpassion. Everyone tried to explain how I was crazy and naive and how I needed to learn how to do this or that, without really knowing me at all. That family I have been chasing behind has left me drier than any stranger, told more lies and kept me more hidden than any stranger in my life has dared.  A couple of years ago  on my 30th birthday, I was staying with my mom, not willingly then, it was a necessiy  because the home I had made for myself was ripped from underneath me over a fight about a DVR… a physical fight with my so called sister. By my birthday in 2011, the year I turned 30 I was on my moms couch, I had just quit a job where they treated the employees like they were nothing more than the fleas deposited on dogs to make them run. I had unemployment insurance on the way, and my birthday had dawned with dawn. I swiped my moms keys drove the long trek to LONG BEACH, Ca. Saw a friend, got my drug of choice and made the drive back home. My mother was nice enough to take me to dinner. LIke I said she didn’t do much for my birthday after 18. I had come to realize that who she was after they told her she had to be was much different than the person she attempted to be. Well from that time until August of last year I lived with my mom pretty much on and off. Normally I did everything to not live with her but I finally gave in when a close friend became to worried and I had to go back home or I would have either ended up dead or in jail.  I had been partying to the extreme, to put it nicely. By the time I returned home for the long haul it was about October of 2012 give or take a couple of weeks.  When I went home it was clear she didnt want me there and being there was not the option of oh doing better pulling my life around. At that point I wasn’t thinkiing about doing anything but writing the book I had been talking about for so long. I was using my drug of choice by then and an upside was being able to focus for long periods of time. I used that gift to my advantage. I was on my moms couch and my sister who had previously fought me for the dvr that she was getting for free no doubt lived just a few walking blocks away. She is my moms eldest and I say favorite daughter who still had an active restraining order. It’s funny how now when I am reprimanded  for how I once again need a place to stay, everyone forget’s the many days lead up to it. Well as my best friend told me, make it right with your sister and so I did. And not only did I make it right, I went beyond that. I was given another chance to mend my begotten relationships, the ones I had left to roast and dry on the grill of people I cared to embrace. I had learned alot on my road and truth fully how I behaved, my consequences and the world changed my outlook, I appreciated that I had a family at all so I set out to treat it that way. I did everything I could and it seemed to work. I was closer to one of my sister, my mom was not yelling as much because I was not yelling as much. All this love and closeness I actually began to talk about the days and months that they were not in my life, I told the truth about my journey. I was wrong.  They used it against me… and on August first everyone had moved out but me. Seeing as though I couldn’t pay the rent myself and no where local to go I left and moved to MD with my best friend. I didn’t love MD but I loved that I was able to rebuild my life.. yet my new life was suddenly a consequence of my past when my offerto be a permanent employee for a major healthcare company was retracted and I was left with a few hundred dollars a month of rent and nothing to go on. My background and my four charges all misdemeanors, had bitten me in the fresh ripe booty that I had acquired for myself. I had to make a decision so I made the decision to come home. I actually loved my job. Didn’t like MD much but loved the freedom my job gave me to be Independent and without the help of anyone. . When I was young I had that same thing because my mother refused to help very early on, however I didn’t maintain it do to being to heavy with things to soon, I broke free, got into a relationship that changed my life, separated me from noticing that my family didn’t really step up. My friends had long since become my family anyway. Things got really bad in 2007, from then until 2009 it was a crazy cold world,but in hindsight those years I never felt alone , or as though I was not loved. Something I am today. I love myself more today, and alone has become a comfort, but that was the aftermath of so much drama it burned the bridge to normalcy. I teetered with drugs, school, jail and continiously went to work. There was a birthday in 2009 4 years ago that I moved into yet another apartment trying to get away from my mom.  Now here it is 4 years later and I have lived independently the entire time except for that half a year last year in which I spent 90 percent of my days, cleaning, writing, cooking, caring for my sister, giving my nephew some me time. and showing my mother that not only could I change but that I had changed, it was my life that happened. I was happy for a short while, but something happened early on, before I moved in, in October// I house sit for my other sister. I was free from my mother for a weekend and there was  car here and I drove it.. I was told I stole some journey. Costume jewelry. I brought the car back, and I brought the fake jewelry back to and I actually did feel bad because the breaks seemed to messed up when I brought the car back from one two days of driving, jlike I had driven with the parking park up, which might have been a possible accident. I felt bad because well the car was nieces car and these people I hadnt done anything to so they say… but the truth is the only person I really ever did anything to was my mom, And  I told her I did it immediately/ So this would mark the second incident.  MY sisters husband made sure I felt like the shit that is underneath shit and only lived in the constant aroma of the shit it manifested. I apologized and stayed away. I loved this sister most because of what she represented. Not exactly what I wanted but what I admired. Something I never really had and that’s commitment and longevity to her life. she continued with many years of school, with the same man. I admired that and mostly because whenever I did try to be close to my family she was the person I tried with so when her whole family dissed me except for my niece of course I was sad, but angry because people so quikcly forget there wrongs and as soon as you are the mistake induced, the problem maker, they become someone who can throw bricks at your glass house. I took that verbal beating time and time again and I apologized with my whole heart. whern I moved to MD I told few people because I didn’t want to hurt my own feelings. When I was gone I missed my family, even though I had been missing them for most of my life. I missed other things to, but mostly the weaher and them or maybe I missed my friends more than anything but I still spoke to them, they still called. 

With losing my job that I actually loved so much last month, coming home… JI knew today which is my favorite day of the year was going to be a little bittersweet, I would cry some, I would laugh some, but I didn’t think I would be here in my sisters house with her words in my ear tthat I needed to listen to what she was saying, and how I need to establish myself and a reminder that I took her daughters care and she would have never believed I would do that (which I am sure she could because not ot much younger than me she stole the car alot. I was little and there) but at 30 she had a family.. and prior to her fahers mother dying she also had a grandma that got her car and she never felt the way I did. I wasn’t able to go to school and work it was to much for me.. and when I had to choose I choose work. Maybe I should have done better, more education, more privileges, butI wouldn’t be me, who will be able to say. NOpe wont do that again, and no I would never treat somebody that way and mean it. I don’t believe in speaking at people like they don’t matter or raising my voice to prove a point, and if you think I am weak because I chose not to engage your hurtful words and ill mannered responses, At 32 I may not have a family, or the best job or anything else tangible that would mark my success in the worldly world based on things, and money. However I have a resilience that is larger than any of the addictions I have endured, my heart is kind and knowing.  When I speak I speak of great knowledge and intelligence.  I do cry, at movies, when I am happy, when I am sad, when I miss someone, when I feel touched by the spirit. I cry because they would tell me not to as a little girl, I cry because my tears are my prayers, i cry because when my emotions do become jumbled and heavy and I feel like I will never make the strides I want to make, I go ahead and cry and God hears my prayers. Even when no one else does. Today my sister did what I hate most in the world which she clearly did nt know was the thing I hate most. she told me how I felt. I may not have much of anything to stake materially for these years, but I have had places to live, and cars, I have traveled and now I even did what I didn’t think I would do, I moved far away for a while. That little pink girl in the forest is not the business kind she is the creative kind.  All love and emotion and clearly a penchant for the wild side. Im thank ful for the door that has been opened for me here but I am beginning to realize that while it appears to be for me, it’s not. I stay out of there way, but me being alone in the back room is rude and strange. Yet they don’t realize that this has been my life… Alone and at my own pace, even when I did visit home my mother would keep to herself. My sister and I did spend time alot but alone we would go. I have no children, I write and I have a life to rebuild. So I may spend alot of time alone Until it happens?  Not as thin or as attractive as my sisters, the man who loves me will not overlook my overly aggressive voice or my extremely youthful face. He will see me, and even if that is just my perception of my imperfections talking, I will be a person worth her flaws and working to improve those as well. Character is nurtured daily and a choice. No one has to worry about me doing anything wrong that is outside my personal decisions. I am going to be okay… God is not finished with me yet. I know he is not. I didn’t  and don’t want to be here but I know he is about to make it clear why I am. and Until it Happens. I am going to be who I am, not what they think.. which is far from ture… My mother owe me somehing, the only person she owes is herself… a cllue and the truth. She doesn;t have to know me… I tried. Ask around, to the people who actually have been around and they will tell you. A’Nya is going to be okay and until it happens just watch…. never what u except

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