Alcohol, liquor, spirits, drinking is a truth serum. Suddenly things your mind wouldn’t so free release bubbles at the tips of tongue. Liquid courage I have heard it called it called. The emotions kept at bay stifled behind pain, hidden with words unspoken. As the sips become gulps all burning away that wall to emotions […]
Tag Archives: Forgiveness
This is one is just going to be a free for all. I just don’t understand it… how family and people in general can be so cruel. When I first found out I had a brain tumor I was pretty much aware of it… something just didn’t seem right. I was telling my toes to move and they wouldn’t move.. I had had a limb for more than three years and I know what your saying that’s a long time.. but I had been homeless I had been a world of turmoil I had been alone, and parts of me just felt like it didn’t matter like it was my penace for all the wrong I had done to myself to those around me. I had moved to a different place I was at peace finally I had made amends with my life… So It didn’t scare me… but when I just got tired of falling… I had gotten tired of the life I was living and I was forced to move back home… Back to good ole Cali… I had no job and God stopped me dead in my tracks and before long I was in a doctors office and I had been told that my gift of discernment and my close quarters with faith and God where in deed true… I had a tumor. I didn;t take it so hard… After all I had a feeling… I told one of my besties and she just didn’t believe me nad told me to hush up… but as I my birthday rolled around.. I knew something was wrong… I told my sister who at the time seemed to be the best friend I could have. Since then she has turned into the puppet master and now all of a sudden people are acting like jerks are little cupcakes you eat for breakfast that give you no muffin tops and you can eat daily without gaining a pound and we know this i not true… the tumor is a glioma malignant but slow growing they say… Thank goodness I am not scared or other eise I would be falling over because these family people are arguing over medical power of whatever… and all I can think about is the fact that I am so tired of something happening,,, I just want to sit down. Once you stop making the bad decisions you hope the decisions that you do make are just better than the last.
Now I spend my days going to CVS like really they know my name like it’s a bar… I go to radiation, I take my medicine.. these are my days… I think aboaut what I am going to where to radiation but they have me on Steroids and they have blown me up to the place of uncomfortable you wouldn’t believe but I still feel alive and happy on most days then my sister my niece my so called family come and they say these things…. I want to blast her out my niece but her business on the web, want to hurt her the way she hurt me and then I realize the life I have lived and where I am now… gives me no way to actually do that… that is not the person I want to be,.. who has a tumor and is a worse person… who goes through the things I have gone through and actually acts like that. Then It makes you start to think about the difference between good people and bad people…..
Alcohol, liquor, spirits, drinking is a truth serum. Suddenly things your mind wouldn’t so free release bubbles at the tips of tongue. Liquid courage I have heard it called it called. The emotions kept at bay stifled behind pain, hidden with words unspoken.
As the sips become gulps all burning away that wall to emotions laced in resentment I watch you become another person. It hurts to know what I already did. I close my eyes and I seek God to protect me from the attacks of days gone, of mistakes once again you revisit. My tears become the forgiveness I fight daily to maintain but it hurts… it buries what I want to build. Want to snatch the drink from your hands, want to take your words… dilute them with love blend them with sweet coffee beans add sugar… have them settle into your belly warm you so you can really digest a truth of the present and I have done many things, yet at this point change became my intoxicant, my drink. My hit.
I had to and n i w here I am another day… another drunk tirade of faithless abandon and words that scare me to my core. The truth is cold pushing me to the land of the lepers. A sickness has become the door that opens to find myself the victim of your selflessness. The more glasses you feel the more you vomit these moments that have caused me these crippling experiences…. bring me back to days… I work daily to never repeat. Change is hard. I want to wrap my arms around myself. But I won’t, instead I say in the tone I can best muster, edge it’s ring. Don’t talk to me like that. I don’t deserve that… then a bomb hits my ocean. An massive waves draws sobs from the part f me only God can touch and I met honesty pour from my list. Its not for me… I have o worry. I’m scared but God has me… you, have said,,, it’s all because your sick that changes me helping. That buries me….. I feel the sand block as airways. No way to UN hear a love un requited. A mothers love, the live that shaped me.. tears pour over cheeks and acceptance settles behind now dim eyes. From here where do I go
I hear the footsteps of your pain, muddy with resentment, discontentment
A heart untouched by kind words,untouched by appreciation for what you give
The rain outside of your windows eternally fall unable to be sheltered from the picture you have painted to the world that fails to provide you the sunshine you need to grow and forgive
I hear them loudly in your tone
In your hurtful words
Your shield from the arms I open to protect you from that downpour
Inhale my love, change your picture
Together we can clean your shoes
Clean away the dirty toils beneath your sole(soul).
Here we can change the forecast of our tomorrow
On our knees we can pray
I will stay within your grasp
Won’t leave you alone
Will set a new tone
In my willingness to be your umbrella in the storm
I feel your core
Feel the beauty you have lost
Just living in that rain
The insurmountable pain
Take my hand
I demand the light to shine within our time
Here we will endure bad, make a path to fine and arrive in the brightness of the sun
Vulnerabilities left with fear
Its time I share with you my faith
Its were my smile arrives
Its wear my pain is released
Its why my shoes are clean
Why the tears always end in a rainbow
Don’t live in the thunder, in that hurricane
Within is how we rebuild
Where we must heal….
I am tired
Tired of living in each mistake
Tired of being the reason your eyes roll
Each day, another Risk I take
to just be the forgiven
To just be seen
Does it make your heart flutter to be mean
to me, to make me see
how wrong I have been
how long ago
when will I no longer be a sum of each mistake I made
Will it be the day I have paid
paid it to the game
with my blood split
the ground opened for me all pretty
my body cold, my head at a perfect tilt
Is the day of my no longer the day I will
the gift of being
I was driven in my pain
Promoted with each mistake
To “no good”, “damaged”, “broken”, “Sad tale of possibility lost”
Now that I have retired from the full-time life of bad decisions
I want to be able to change careers,
face my fears
To arise to my potential
would mean monumental task of expected accountability
Can’t blame it on the alcohol, the party, the man-made euphoria
Have to arrive each time
So let me
Let go of what I did
and appraise what I do
Allow me to be the new
version of me you said was destiny
If I can survive the darkest forest of negativity
I most definitely can deal with living for the responsibility
Of my potential, talents, and gifts
My gears have taken a shift
Now why don’t you
Forgive me for not meeting your expectations
I might give you revelations
that far exceed what you thought I would be
How about you stop looking back
And look at me.
It’s not easy, not easy putting on a brave face, acting as if everything is okay. Feeling lost and unsure of the next moment, the next step. It’snot easy just having faith that everything will work out. On the outside looking in, the perceptions of their stares defeat. Living for each day, and living for there expectations. Caring what other people think, rebuilding bridges to understanding and trust is no easy job. You smile, you nodd, you try… and once again your like a child. Being an adult in transition, rebuilding, with nothing is not easy. You don’t want to show up, because you don’t want to explain. It is not easy being right here in this moment, in this place, with these eyes looking at each move made to see if it will be another mistake, another lit match that will once again end in flames.
It isn’t easy caring what people think, caring about tomorrow, and rebuilding. Oprah can talk to a thousand public figures with big bank accounts about the next moment, the next chapter, and I am not saying it’s easy for them, yet i know the non factor of money makes it a lot more simple to rebuild the bridges. You get moments to exhale, to breath, to not worry about the eyes watching. The expectations of those who have already beared the rath of your ill advised decisions, accidents and plain ole wrong doings, mistakes, whatever you want to call them.
I wonder if they look at the eyes that search for clues of activities when away, the eyes they search for lies as responses, and see the sadness, the tired grind of living up to rebuilding. I wonder if they see how hard it is to believe that things will get better, when your best just isn’t what they hoped it be.
It’s not easy changing. Each moment, Each hour, Each day is a task of believing in yourself, in believing that while they may say they support you, that the thoughts they have deep down are wrong. If only I could close a door, lock it, and just be with me for a moment, to regain belief that it will indeed be okay, that this present is just that, another present that will be survived.
It isn’t easy knowing what really happened. It isn’t easy knowing that the decision to change wasn’t because it was so bad but because you couldn’t act like you didn’t care anymore. It isn’t easy knowing the truth you never tell, the secrets you keep so you can make it to another day.
It isn’t easy to say…. I did what you asked, I did what was right, I did as God told me to, yet I still seem to pay everyday for yesterday. It isn’t easy saying I did pray, I do pray, but I still seem to be here anyway. It isn’t easy hiding the tears, forcing them down so I don’t hear it said again you just need to pull it together, and figure it out. It isn’t easy just sitting and never saying with loud piercing words… Yeah I know I need to get it together, and maybe you don’t like looking at me like this… but think about how it feels to live it.. ashamed, embarrassed, tired and beat down inside.
I do have faith that it will all be okay, but faith doesn’t soothe the burns of rejection, or stop the bleeding of lacerated failure.
Faith is the possibility of a better time tomorrow, if I just get through today. I will fall to my knees and pray… God please forgive me for the sin of my fear that it won’t be okay. Please forgive me for looking around and just wanting to surrender this life. I will do all I can to not wrong my fellow man, but I am not so good at not wronging me. Im starting to see the reflection in their eyes, starting to believe what they see, that’s easier than being me.
I’m tired dear God, so sad, so weak. It isn’t easy changing. Not sure what you want me to learn from this lesson, or where your plan for my life might lead. Will I be the example, the disciple, the mean, or the end? I’m asking dear God for just a small glimpse, just something to give me that last bit of tenacity I need, so I don’t turn back and go to the old. I don’t want to fold. I want to play, dear God just show me the way. It’s all I need to make it look easy once again. Make it easy to smile, to finish this last green mile.
It’s been just you and I for our entire life. From the moment of conception, in those weary days where the outside world beyond mom’s womb has not exactly made a concrete decision on whether we were even yet a person or not, it has been us, or better yet I. We wouldn’t want the world to believe that I or better yet we are mentally unstable.You are my former self and I have separated us for the pure fact that I have extricated myself from you by experience and pain, by forgiveness and well, just plain old growth and evolution. I have evolved beyond the moments of tears for nothing, or getting high for escape. Instead I have chosen to embrace my mistakes, and forgive the moments that we have experienced that have caused me or us pain. I feel less pain today then I did when I was a complete replica of you and I want you to know that I forgive you as well. I forgive you for your mistakes, for your misguided attempts at living, and I applaud you for your candor and your risks in life. If their was no you, there would be no me. Sometimes I think of you and I create advice for the similar situations in which I experience, I know that you know the paths that I should have taken even when I forget. You are close to God, new in your faith and open to see the miracles in the daily life you lead, where I have fallen short of belief, faith and hope in the present. It’s why I wanted to write you and I hope you write me back, because I have come full circle to the moment that changed us. Right before the fist of our sister contacted with our flesh over something as menial as the dvr. We lived and we forgave her, and we tried to show the belief of forgiveness in our actions to be here, struggling after so many positive decisions. Yet we are judged by those who were around us with no true understanding of who we were and who we are. Telling stories of us being “cracked out” and laughing about it as though it was true. We were much more willing to be honest with the them and our self, and in living a view more days, experiencing a few more things we have forgotten to believe in people, we have forgotten to not just forgive them their misgivings but forgive our self for wanting to still believe even when we should do so from afar. I have lost my ability to just keep looking on them with loving eyes and saying, it’s okay to be you, but you will not make me less because of who you are. This letter to me, about two years ago wants to say I forgive you believing that the choices you made would not affect the person I am today whether the choices were good or bad. I miss you in so many ways, I miss our freedom, but I love my growth. For a long time what people thought meant something to us back then but you didn’t care what they thought, you loved, and lived and were just who you were at that moment and I am not going to lie, I miss that part of me, that freedom, that reflection of who you were to us, and I mean us because while they have the negative to say, they forget to talk about how you listened, how you forgave, how you learned through humility to be kind. They forgot that while you listened to them state their emotional standpoints you really never said much, you just smiled and wrote it all down, Those who have remained have seen the growth and know who you are, those who have left you behind have lost the opportunity to know me. The people who got me through those days have had that same opportunity to meet the knew you and you are much stronger now, you have transformed into me, You may not know anymore what to do with the daily, but you know how to treat a person. You would be proud of some our changes, and others would make you sad because you liked your bad but if we don’t talk sometimes,I might forget that how people see you matters, it just doesn’t mean the world. That opinion is God’s alone and let’s be frank,he loves you, he loves me and well he always knew.