Tag Archives: faith

It Wasn’t That Type of Love

This new life I live sick and missing something that never existed a love affair that lived in my head. Will never be in love I feel. Never be the heartbeat of a man like you were for me. i can’t see it happening. Confined to just this but tonight as I close my eyes I remember what it was in my heart. How I clung to the moments that we did have. the times that we did share and my heartbeat changes. I hate that you still have this control over me. Your suppossed to come to see me the man that controlled my pulse. The only man that i ever connected with in any way. But i guess you loved all others. i was never exactly good eough for you. It didn.t break me.. It just made me blieve that love did exist because even today how I have felt for yu makes me believe in what love can be. As i sit here in the bed that keeps me daily in rememrance of the fact that a brain tumor has changed my life the course of my understanding i think of you. It’s ione of those things that you have to just sdmit happen to me. i looved you. you never loved e but the love I felt for you changed me. Your suppossed to come visit in these days.. I wonder if you will make it to me.. see me in all the ugly o feel. Sick not able to live behind the long hair i use to have. Increasingly overweight from the steroids. All my fears wrapped into one situation. At one time you told me that I lived hehind my long curly hair that the person I was seemed consumed in this. As I live through this I think of yu daily the person that I was you knew. I actually did love you the broken man you really were. I guess in the black and white of it you taught me more aabout myself than i ever knew. As I fight this cancer.. I think of you daily.. Not because of the feelings I had for you but because of the care you really did give to me. You looked at me tht day so long ago now and you said omething ws wrong. It was one of the reasons that I went to the doctor… yet you know me.. my intution strong. yet I have missed you, kissed the feeling of liethat you did give me. You were never good for me. Yet youwere weren’t bad for me either. I wait for you because whent he days end love of any kind is a gift ad I am not afraid t admit that my love for you ran deep, it was the only love I feel nI eer truly felt.  i did love a woman for many years trying to qwell the issues i had with my mother an I will never take away from that love. It was a love that took a lot of years in my life and the experience was just as real as the one that I felt for you. It lasted longer was never one sided. It shaped alot of the person that I have become but I can’t compare it to the depth of feeling I felt for you. You showed me  tht to connect with a person on so many levels is possible. The thing we sared was a deep intricate friendship that lost it’s footing went to far. It still touches parts of  me I wished it couldn’t. All the people that have come to visit me, all the people who love me I still wait to see your face. A face I don’t  even find that handsome. A man that I wouldn’t even be proud to say that  I know. Yet you changed me. In the midst of a lifetime that I am not exactly proud to even say that I know. I am not going to lie you impacted me.. The person that I am today ia majorly do to the time that we spent together. Whether it was perfect or not we connected. We were in thd least the best of friends. The last time we saw each other before my life drastically changed you were the one that noticed that something about me had changed. You loved me in your way in the best way you could, in the best way that someone like you could love me. In the honesty of this moment I should have listened sooner, maybe they would have caught it sooner but thank you to whatever you were to me because not much later I did listen and I am still here fighting. I am still giving faith to my God. Sometimes the things that we do experience is just to make us stronger and you made me stronger. the hurt, the cfonnection, the everything. The things that I did feel let me understand what love did feel like. I did love you. As I rememeber th pain of seeing you love other woman instead of the one that held you down, the one that gave without trepidation, the one who gave heart soul and body, it hurt yet it made me a fighter prepared me for these days here. This is the fight of my life, this is the cause of my existence to make it through this. So I pray, I keep my mind occupied, I try to believe that it is all for a testimony that God has set out in front of me. All the things that I worried about seems to be fading in the illness. It has built me to be a better version of myself. In my illness I see us for what we really were for what we were not and a part of me doesn’t want to see anything more than another past so that I can paint another future. Yet love is something that truly may be missed on a life that I will live so I give my truth regardless of how stupid it makes me look you were the closest thing I got to it other than her and I’m starting to see what you saw when you met her. A woman that didn’t regard me in a way that worthy not of me  yet you both were so similar when I look back I see maybe I didn’t love myself the way I should have. Now that I’m here I look to you in a way that I wan’t to be reminded of yhe things you would tell me. Even in the hurt that I felt in loving you, I have to admit that the best love that you did give to me was helping to build this person that is able to wake up every day ad have thea ttitude that will still fight with all she has. I wait for the friend that I do have in you. That is all we were meant to be. I see that now and with that closure in my heart I am able to embrace you. I am able to see the man you truly are.  Every woman wants a great love.. I am no different. The truth is I am only this a woman who in her illess is living her greatest fears. I am bigger than I ever was… the only reason I ever did any drug to keep the pounds at ay. God is teaching me the lessons the hard way. I ran from my mother to be here with her daily, lived beyond the vanity of my beautiful long hair to now have one. This is the greatest lesson that I COULD  have experienced. See today life is right in my face in a major way. These are things you have told me be the things that we spoke of years ago are here now. I know things of us you never heard or accepted but now I see that you can’t make someone feel or see something that they just don’t so now i just accept you as you are for everything that you are or are not. I had to do it for myself. In the midst of love that is all you can do right. So  I will wait for you to arrive as I know you coming to say yur piece to see the woman you  told to check that foot out……

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March 30, 2015 · 8:58 am

Awoken by Your Memory

Sleep finally shuts my eyes, the dreamy sensation of life touches my eyes, when I wake the night deep in daily secret memorizing movement. I am deep in thought. A smile sweet on my lips. Pandora beating through headphones song after song our songs.  Each a memory of the days we spent talking, days we spent learning each other, even hurtful moments that lead us to this, not speaking, not thinking of each other yet I still smile. Have spoken to your origin to your gift to the world but not you. The man who I dream if no longer you, now my mind fictionalized version of the type cb of lover I want to experience. He has a face a name casually drained from a desire of you, yet his qualities all a designed of all what you were to my life. How you ignited so much in my heart. So much in my mind. The love we share is thriving. We didn’t survive it in the form of relationships but we were up rooted from the thoughts of extinction. The dirt you say I pit on you is the lifetime we will end. I know you think of me, even now when I desperately want the phone to ring and it doesn’t. Even when I learn the effects of the illness that you looked on in the beginning telling me my limp was wrong, watching with care and concern to have me do nothing… it was you with a close appraisal of my well being angry octaves in your tone sat me an emergency room. Icy out call you will learn of what has come to be…. but  call rings through, no words from the man who thought ne to see myself through the eyes of worthy. Want to see you know. Want to hear the words of your wisdom. We saw storms in superficial haze of drugged euphoria….. I left those things behind in pursuit of a life you knew I could have. Even imperfect your flaws, your character moved me… our we is defining. Even in my dreams of live with. My ideal man you dwell as the first line of understanding of the kind if woman I am. I need you now. Not to touch the shaded beauty if my sex, not to hold my body against yours but to voice my fears, to do the thing we do, let our hearts release the rain, step IRS storm into the sea of our acceptance complete and UN restricted. In the world you have become a milk carton memory. Removed from family And friends… old live, dear friend my heart searches it’s terrain to send you the message of want, desire for you. Always have known the way your heart beats. I know the curve of your power,  and it’s time to walks. New road…. your welcome here with me, no intent beyond understanding, something God given… prayers leave my lips for you to find your way home!

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Filed under a rant of love, desire, Emotion, growth, Inspiration, life, love

Today for Choosing

Choices are made for definitive reasoning…. Make your choices with, I live with the intent of positive and feel the vibrations of greatness. This day has defined life for me in a new meaning, in a new space. I embrace it, I will it to change me into the person God has destined me to be. I see the power in life, the design of love, the importance of forgiveness   I look to the love I have been given today and I give it to faith, thankful for these moment before my life is altered forever. i feel your strength in my breath. I feel your unconditional love in my heartbeat, I feel your presence in my family. I feel your mercy in my ability to change. I feel you GOD. I have no fear in the eye of this storm, you have awakened me, with the introduction to this new beginning i give it to you. I am ready. I smile moving into the grief of life for I can make mine a meaning, a belief, a truth.

I live today for tomorrow, each choice, each moment, each understanding….

TO MY FRIENDS… WHEN I WAKE UP, COME TO ME, MEND MY WOUNDS WITH THE LOVE THAT ALLOWED ME TO LIVE… i DON’T REGRET MY LIFE

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July 11, 2014 · 6:58 am

When the Tears Arrive

Bind my heart

release the pain

this is the rain

ive gained the belief if belief

no relief 

in these answers

yet knowing leaves a heart empowered

wont let this take it away

that faith that seperates me

from those that cower in the tumult of trouble

wont find me in the rumble

i know a God has me cradled in arms that defeat the largest of waves wishing to submerge me

im free from the negative

 

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The Thoughts Brought About from Surgery

“We are going to drill a hole” with those words I left behind misconceptions, decided that faith has to be the leading thought. I can’t live in the fear that grips the heart of  a person and I won’t. I will be this woman that I have grown to be. As I look back at all the days I have cried. All the days that I have let fear lead me.. I find myself evolved in the face of death and I feel pride. So proud of myself. In these days I have felt so much love and support… this is something that I have prayed for. to be closer to my family. To cultivate the type of relationships that last beyond death.  When you have lived the kind of life I have, your course of purpose will be in others minds, tainted, sometime thwarted with mingles of bad choices, or executed decisions that are not in your best interest.  So while I have sat here in The world renowned… UCLA Medical Center… family, old friends and doctors… all looking to me for my next play… I don’t have anything to say but bring it on course has been drawn. Fear is not an option, direction, drive and making the best is the hour of power.

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June 10, 2014 · 5:18 pm

Before We Touch

Insane understanding
Belligerent emotion
This notion
Of normality
Is not the current reality
I inhale your scent
Yet we haven’t met
The sensation of skin to skin
No sin in our hearts
A want to move beyond this part
The fear so evident
You are heaven sent
So unsure of previously laid plans
Since the arrival of your presence
Do I have the courage
This risk demands
Dream of holding hands
Of soaring beyond what’s real
You evoke more of my beauty
Push my thoughts to heal
Those wounds the fear of being great
Want to hate you for seeing beyond my mirage
Already it’s exactly what I can’t do
Goose pimples cover me
You ignite the woman
I want to be
A hidden sanctuary in arms
I have yet to feel
Want to wheel and deal
Contemplate the gamble
Go all in
Somehow, together I know we will win
The desires I have given away
Are back to play
Dressed like possibility
No negativity
It was long ago, in an out of rain
I left those dreams slain
Beneath the discouraging mistakes made
A price for pain I foolishly paid
Now you see me cloaked in flaws
Superficially yet ironically so pure.. You believe I can still soar
Tell me God calls
Time to risk the glares of a past
Its gone,
My last date with impossible
I can be the responsible girl, now womanly
Write my way to success
You say it’s a gift
Can be a blessing
Can fly in my creativity
Is this reality
This insanity
If  you touch all of me before we even meet
How will I be able to deny you
How will I run from this
Always wanted to be the differential geometry
In a world of basic mathematical ideals
Wanted to defy gravity
Float above the mean
The probability of winning
It Detest me
Want to be exceptional
Like what we share
Raw and inexplicable
Even before we touch

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Filed under a rant of love, Emotion, love, meaning, men, motivation

Always With Me

I carry you in a place inside that keeps the monumental power of what your love taught me. A woman without a father needs the love you gave me. The kind of love that reached the places an absentee father needs a woman to have to learn her worth and beauty.  As I feel a new love touch my heart I remember the lessons learned in our journey. The promise of his arrival in your admission to my world is beyond the thanks and appreciation I can ever give to you. I knew in our first meeting I would be forever changed yet to know the true embrace of a love unconditionally given is worth more than all the riches I could obtain in this life. Out beyond a moon I can see… I know you live beneath its light. Without those days… the moments, those words I would not be a woman who knows what she deserves. To say I love you would be less than a million things I truly feel. No poetic prose could manifest the truth in the blessing bestowed in having experienced even the pain evoked by what we shared. You have become the beat of my heart, the strength in my character. No longer in love I finally can see the gifts you gave in leaving me without you in my daily life.  You gave me freedom to be who you saw in me. When the first intense sensation of emotion welled up in my chest grasping my release of our memory…visions overtook me. I saw your approval in the man that so deeply touched me with his admiration of who I had become…. I cried for you. Although we are millions of moments from our last touch, kiss you are there in my actions, in my words. We were the definition of souls intertwined. Our affinity was not about an earthly love. Our love gave me life and now I’m ready for a love that will allow me to live. I will never forget the reflection of me that came to life in the hollows of your brown eyes. I pray your heart hears my gratitude in loving me in all my flaws.

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Filed under a rant of love, change, desire, destiny, Emotion, gratitude, impression, influences, Inspiration