Tag Archives: evolving

when possible isn’t

It’s not like it’s an untold story that most loves stories don’t end like the movies. Perfect and simple, pretty untold litle memories where it just happens to be we end up happy. Wouldn’t you rather it messy and ready to just read like manic moments of insanity and then then the parts where arms are held around me, my beat pulsating into rhythmns. I am in love, and in love knows no time. Arrives at your door messy and unshaven but ready. When possible isn’t that moment at the end with the perfect song playing, and we are in love. That wouldn’t be any fun. No story to tell there to neat.. I rather it the other way where I just touch you and I am musty in the sweat of our angst. The dirty angst of what we didn’t do, what we didn’t say. . We kept being wrong, touching where we shouldn’t, laying where we can’t get up to find ourselves in reality. Our reality is lost to this moment. You have come to this place with love in your movement but not in your words and why… I want to ask but answers are spoken in heart rhythmns as I have said. Our language is not of the ears of others. I want to be angry but all I can be.. is who God wants me to be, this woman in this place with situation at this time, with these words to hushed and whispered and screamed and penetrated and………..

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Filed under a rant of love, Choices, destiny

Let Go of Her, See Me

I am tired

Tired of living in each mistake

Tired of being the reason your eyes roll

Each day, another Risk  I take

to just be the forgiven

To just be seen

Does it make your heart flutter to be mean

to me, to make me see

how wrong I have been

how long ago

when

when will I no longer be a sum of each mistake I made

Will it be the day I have paid

paid it to the game

with my blood split

the ground opened for me all pretty

my body cold, my head at a perfect tilt

Is the day of my no longer the day I will

be given

the gift of being

forgiven

I was driven  in my pain

Promoted with each mistake

To “no good”, “damaged”, “broken”, “Sad tale of possibility lost”

Now that I have retired from the full-time life of  bad decisions

I want to be able to change careers,

face my fears

of responsibility

To arise to my potential

would mean monumental task of expected accountability

Can’t blame it on the alcohol, the party, the man-made euphoria

Have to arrive each time

So let me

Let go of what I did

and appraise what I do

Allow me to be the new

version of me you said was destiny

If I can survive the darkest forest of negativity

I most definitely can deal with living for the responsibility

Of my potential, talents, and gifts

My gears have taken a shift

Now why don’t you

Forgive me for not meeting your expectations

I might give you revelations

that far exceed what you thought I would be

How about you stop looking back

And look at me.

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September 10, 2013 · 1:00 am

I am Who I am Becoming, not Who I was!!!!!!!!!!

Today I don’t have much to say about anything, today is about my soul needing to be free… I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I haven’t felt like flying, like reaching beyond the stars and beliefs that I can see. I suppose I am tired. Tired of people with their frowns and their selfishness… I guess at the end of the day you can’t expect people to treat you like you would treat the world. The worst of it is family and friends… what can we do to be better than the worse versions of ourselves. I suppose it’s just my time, just time to fly higher than the clouds have previously before seen.  I suppose maybe I am just angry, maybe I am just sad because at the end of the day I put myself here in this place where I need other people and I am tired of needing them. Funny how people hint at things and then proclaim themselves better because they are helping you when truly they are no better and if you were to be the way they are to you, they wouldn’t like you. Wouldn’t want to sit at the same table of your criticisms and your judgments of them. when I do unleash my judgments I try my best to not hurt other people, to not be the person that makes them feel worse than they make themselves feel. Or maybe I am working so hard at not being like my persecutors that I persecute them inside of my desire to not be at the other end of the beating stick. Change is not something that is easy but as long as you have an unsavory pasts people still hold the keys to the things that will make you sad and make you want to revert back because to be the best version of yourself daily is not an easy job, being conscious of your actions of your words and even of your thoughts is a hard work in progress. I struggle daily with saying no to temptations to being the ensemble in my cast. Quelling the quiet desires to speak harshly to behave badly. I suppose the best we can do is try are best to make the right decisions to forgive our own tarnishing images of the past.  I am empowered to not be who you think you know of me, but who I have become. No one is without their mistakes. SO to the mothers who feel like they are bad mothers because of mistakes, to past mistake makers who have given up life’s of not so good, to the children who feel that disappointments become image makers. We are not what we have done, we are a culmination of what we have done, what we have learned and what we choose to do today.

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Filed under Uncategorized

When We…. A Friendship Never Forgotten

The level of communication today

is why you are not so far a bay

Didn’t think I could see this present

When our hellos were hesitant, second to the addresses of president

When our love didn’t flow

and the contents of your heart I didn’t know

Not when we were sisters, not friends

Not when a I consisted of a we

when we were the three distinct parts of the holy trinity

When were nothing less than infinity

an eternity of love

a soul mate

a play date

a sibling when blood meshed thumb to thumb

when we were best

the knitted nest

the tie to vest

Now it is a longingly gone dry

a sad goodbye

a memory of desserted knowledge

Now just a story that begins

“This one time in college”

Love does not die

so why did we

the interaction

now just simple subtraction

there is a you without me

a divided we

a new part to you whole

our present a future past

a gasp, a ghastly silence

we were not literary

but an exact science

proven and hypthosized

Just when I realized that some heartbreaks

never die

the kind that doesn’t begin with carresses and obsessions of will they, who me

will she, but the kind that begin with us, you and me

so innocently

humbly

the days of the young in me that

is still living with all those memories you are apart

just a dart landed in at the bull eyes

Still wonder how and questions still end in why?

Yet the facebook is on my shoulder tweeting

and I am happy that I am apart of this social networking

for it networked me right back to you

so that I can piece together your present

now that our hello’s are hesitant

and the days no longer shared

for days lost

the cost

my end

my friend

my half of whole

my gaping hole

is left unfilled

others come and consume

but none ever you

known ever the five pieces of my youth

None to ever know completely my truth

cuz u have the proof

she has the proof

they have the truth to my youth

When we were girls

sitting up nghts

plaid uniformed skirts

lips pursed

phones hidden

hearts smitten with time

boys we called fine

and when my my heart didn’t seem to break so easily

when we defied the logistics of personality

and the true bond was the commonality that love was an acceptance

a forgiveness so bold

it was tangible. something to hold

never alone was I

you all were there

when life didn’t seem fair

we would share outside on dark patios

experimenting with the dark arts and holding on to each other

blowing tree’s, screaming lyrics from another

When we were girls

we didn’t know these women wouldn’t be sitting so far away

Didn’t know today would lend us seperately

or did we know but it ignored it with love and held on for as long

as the time permit

Life has a funny way of teaching doesn’t it

When we were girls

and things seemed hard

when we seemed fearless to scream let it ride no matter the hand dealt, no matter the card

brave, and loud

girls running lost

what women found

Miss those days of being a girl

Miss those days of you being my first call

Miss knowing that you will be there after all

or maybe I still do

I keep saying thank you

For being a part of me

You are apart of the root, not a leave, or even a branch

You are a the core of my tree, without you past and present

I wouldn’t be me

 

 

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Filed under a rant of love, women, Written Emotion