I dont really write anymore.. Stop doing that when my words became jumbled when I stopped being heard when I stopped believing I deserved to be heard. I wonder if anyone out there felt the same way.. like a voice that use to speak to them hiding in the back of there head seemed to be silenced. A part of me has been murdered, that voice that would rhyme, that seemed to know how to weave words like intricate needle work. Now I am quiet. the silence is binding. I wonder if this change is the me that is to follow if this is the show I will watch. in the outside world I want to be more than my circumstance but the silence has swallowed me
Tag Archives: change
This is one is just going to be a free for all. I just don’t understand it… how family and people in general can be so cruel. When I first found out I had a brain tumor I was pretty much aware of it… something just didn’t seem right. I was telling my toes to move and they wouldn’t move.. I had had a limb for more than three years and I know what your saying that’s a long time.. but I had been homeless I had been a world of turmoil I had been alone, and parts of me just felt like it didn’t matter like it was my penace for all the wrong I had done to myself to those around me. I had moved to a different place I was at peace finally I had made amends with my life… So It didn’t scare me… but when I just got tired of falling… I had gotten tired of the life I was living and I was forced to move back home… Back to good ole Cali… I had no job and God stopped me dead in my tracks and before long I was in a doctors office and I had been told that my gift of discernment and my close quarters with faith and God where in deed true… I had a tumor. I didn;t take it so hard… After all I had a feeling… I told one of my besties and she just didn’t believe me nad told me to hush up… but as I my birthday rolled around.. I knew something was wrong… I told my sister who at the time seemed to be the best friend I could have. Since then she has turned into the puppet master and now all of a sudden people are acting like jerks are little cupcakes you eat for breakfast that give you no muffin tops and you can eat daily without gaining a pound and we know this i not true… the tumor is a glioma malignant but slow growing they say… Thank goodness I am not scared or other eise I would be falling over because these family people are arguing over medical power of whatever… and all I can think about is the fact that I am so tired of something happening,,, I just want to sit down. Once you stop making the bad decisions you hope the decisions that you do make are just better than the last.
Now I spend my days going to CVS like really they know my name like it’s a bar… I go to radiation, I take my medicine.. these are my days… I think aboaut what I am going to where to radiation but they have me on Steroids and they have blown me up to the place of uncomfortable you wouldn’t believe but I still feel alive and happy on most days then my sister my niece my so called family come and they say these things…. I want to blast her out my niece but her business on the web, want to hurt her the way she hurt me and then I realize the life I have lived and where I am now… gives me no way to actually do that… that is not the person I want to be,.. who has a tumor and is a worse person… who goes through the things I have gone through and actually acts like that. Then It makes you start to think about the difference between good people and bad people…..
When I walked in to meet my Radiation Oncologist… I saw a nice Asian doctor with a kind face and news that meant healing. The third question on his list of get to knows me, was the question that I am most ashamed to answer in these days. Having a brain tumor gives you a way out of most things but it still will get you a look of dismay and down right disgust when the answer is in the affirmative to… ” Do you smoke cigarettes?” when you answer this question yes after quiting some other things that carry far more negative conotation…. you know you should really be ashamed. I nodded and I told him that I had been working on quiting and the truth is.. I have…. I have successfully taken a pack a day diet to a three a day habit.. Yet as of Monday Morning my treatment will begin and I am no longer going to be a member of the smoking class. And I damn proud of it…….
Sometimes I crave the inhale of the nicotine, but it quickly subsides…
I am yelling… Back the hell up nicotine… that MONKEY is no lo joke. I mean I have heard of people doing some wild things, for drugs and sex.. and oh the hoarders that I see on tv…. however why none of those things seem to be as bad a cigertte, maybe its beause now hat I do have a cancer to actually give youself this illness with these sticks of relief give me this feeling os something really makes me feel less. Makes me feel like my faith in God is weak… Even having a glass of wine every now and them seems like nothing big or bad to to do.. But in smoking you can kill not just yourself but the people around as you as well.
This long goodbye has been rewardinf and also it has given me something that I can say that I conquered, Having some control in a controlless situation always does make one feel a little better. Goodbye to you Newport… I might miss you but I will never tell you, will never give you the satisfaction,. I don;t miss you after meals anymore, and with this steroid they are giving me you would think that i did, but its slowly faded away. So sayonara bitch made cancer stick
Choices are made for definitive reasoning…. Make your choices with, I live with the intent of positive and feel the vibrations of greatness. This day has defined life for me in a new meaning, in a new space. I embrace it, I will it to change me into the person God has destined me to be. I see the power in life, the design of love, the importance of forgiveness I look to the love I have been given today and I give it to faith, thankful for these moment before my life is altered forever. i feel your strength in my breath. I feel your unconditional love in my heartbeat, I feel your presence in my family. I feel your mercy in my ability to change. I feel you GOD. I have no fear in the eye of this storm, you have awakened me, with the introduction to this new beginning i give it to you. I am ready. I smile moving into the grief of life for I can make mine a meaning, a belief, a truth.
I live today for tomorrow, each choice, each moment, each understanding….
TO MY FRIENDS… WHEN I WAKE UP, COME TO ME, MEND MY WOUNDS WITH THE LOVE THAT ALLOWED ME TO LIVE… i DON’T REGRET MY LIFE
Bind my heart
release the pain
this is the rain
ive gained the belief if belief
in these answers
yet knowing leaves a heart empowered
wont let this take it away
that faith that seperates me
from those that cower in the tumult of trouble
wont find me in the rumble
i know a God has me cradled in arms that defeat the largest of waves wishing to submerge me
im free from the negative
When you look at your own habits like an old dirty sock… It’s probrobaly time to stop. My nose snares and my chest hurts. Head aches begin to overwhelm me. I’m getting irritated with myself. Looking at the pack I feel the cancer tempting me with death. Head wagging to the side.. Dry mouth… Gross. A month ago my favorite two year old grabs my purse heads to the door and says.. Going to smoke. I’m embarrassed,sad and I feel like death is just outside. Oh the power of the damn crack head tar that is draining my wallet and attacking my pride. Want to yell fucking bitch heave the pack but instead the lighter spikes a flame appears and I am inhaling. I don’t even like this… If it was weed I would allow a slow smile grace chapped lips roll my head back and inhale. With a looming brain tumor sure a little toke will be acceptable… But mot this long Newport death. There are two more in the pack and the money is gone… What will I do.. Twerk my walker toting ass to the floor for a drag to hell by way of toxins that can’t be mixing well with the steroids I injest every six. Hours. I welcome the cavalier sneers, please oh please leave me ashamed, leave my soul tortured because of all the things I have done wrong in my life… Right now these crack like abhorrent tendents are crippling me. I hAte u Newport. IM ON MY KNEES IN PRAYER… god deliver me from this. I know the power is yours… It’s taking me down. My Peyton will never smoke.. Her arms wrapped around me vine to skin… Thousand kisses
Planted on ever place she can find warm me… Give me these moments… Reminders that this last one in this fucking pack can take her from me… Course my skin to black pimpled ugly. Something as beautiful as me.. Don’t need a dam crack cig report
Today we celebrate you
And all the beautiful things you do
How you have become the man you are..
Is evidence that with you God definitely set a new bar!
To say your great just wouldn’t be enough
Your bravery, your loyalty, your intelligence, your character
All are the makings of masculine royalty
Nephew of mine, you just have the stuff…
Most men will never have, you are the man, most boys will never come to be
A protector, even as a small boy you protected me
And 13 years your senior…I am the auntie.
Yet that is you a step above the rest always ahead of your time.
A special blessing, one of a kind
To not see it would mean being blind.
This day the final marker to adulthood
Its really just the beginning so I think you have got it good.
Remember to keep a cool head in adversity
Swim in your uniqueness, it’s what sets the tone in owning your diversity
Never compare yourself to the masses
With a brain like yours your a prime candidate for all the right chances
You will be more than great
You naturally have what it takes
To soar high high above the rest
You already have beat the odds in some of life’s greatest test.
In my heart of discernment
The destiny you own will create an environment of riches
As a black man, the devil will tempt you with the wickedness of hustlers, dope runners, and profiling police ditches
I already know the the road you choose will be the one that enables you to grow
Trust your heart when your mind is unsure
Your spirit on first response will always be your cure
The pride I feel for you is more than I can ever say
On this special day
When you were first born at first glance
We shared a beautiful dance
Our smiles in tandem, even when the miles between us are many
Know I love you with a heart of plenty
My handsome and notorious Snooty!!!
Happy 21st birthday!!!!
So many years ago beautiful and tiny
Into our world, God blessed us with Rmanii
Now a woman athletic and tall
Beauty, brains, in my eyes you have it all
If I could could to infinity
Maybe I could measure my pride in being your Auntie
It might be sappy, emotional, a little childish
However, this poem is to say
In a small way
with no shameful blemish
I give you this gift of what I love as much as you
These words, my heartfelt truth
As your years mount
Be sure to hold on to your depth of heart
Light your passion with your endless tenacity
Never fear that overwhelming capacity
God has given to you to shine
Be cool headed in adversity
Remember that while your smart
You can never show enough compassion and humilty in being the best
When you feel unsure and life’s test
Look more like unreachable mountain tops
The course is a road already destined
Take the time teach
When in others you see lessons already learned
These are the moments your true rewards are earned
It’s worth what’s invested
As a mother you get the opportunity to defy gravity
Fly in the uncontainable love you feel
let your own wounds of childhooh heal
Among all the incandescent things that define you
The character you exhibit in what you do
will paint the portrait of what others see
This milestone into adulthood states from today you get to be who YOU want to be
A culmination of core attributes
as well as the lessons that contributes
to the reflection that stares back…
That person that you embrace as “ME”
Beautiful niece of mine…..
It’s on you
It’s a sure thing, an easy bet
For you are not the underdog
Not the lucky competitor
This is just who you are
A winner pure bred
You defy the odds
You blaze the trail
In you I see all the good from which you derived
Now at 21 you have arrived
Beautiful, grown up and no longer my itty bitty
brave and kicking chairs to defend your own
Now, still brave yet also accomplished
Still our blessing, just not so tiny
Now a full grown Rmanii
Happy 21st Birthday my beautiful niece!!!!!!!!!!
That time of year again.. when the sweet, needed yet false sincerity of Christmas has passed and the only thing waiting other than more snow on the east… the approach of Santa Ana’s here on the west is a year ending, a new annual beggining. We begin to reflect on the year that so fast has become the past. The present is trapped between the expectations made last year this time, the dissatisfaction with decisions that earned stagnant progress of resolutions resolved to be resolute. It’s that time of year when lonely has it’s own heartbeat…. creates the idea that the voice your hearing may not be your own.. is that insanity. Have I become the Tara of United fates of states of mind. Am I blind? All I see in the mirror is me… doesn’t look like what I thought she would by now, doesn’t have as much hair as i thought he would at this age, yet the only thing I see is me.. SO who is taunting me, creating a new different in my heart. The different that makes the heart hurt so much it feels like it’s stopped beating. This time of year can cure the harshness around the mouth of a wealthy man and give him philothropic thoughts. Maybe I will buy proverty, give earth food of the land that was meant to be free. Or maybe.. I will call my children, not their fought they didn’t want to be… what I thought they should be…I’m tired of just me… Didn’t survive all those years of marriage, all those nights given to work, producing green colored , broken down, stamped, labeled, and then counted trees instead of recieving hugs from these new entities made of me. Made of moments with a past that didn’t survive me. I wish they would have had better than me. Maybe we could have been a “we”.
It’s that time of year that reflection is in the air. Children’s choice of naughty vs nice, adults choice of buy now, or just save. The thought crosses their mind. It doesn’t matter if that child disbehave, to not allow this Santa to arrive with that new technology , another damn wifi device thingy. he will cry and that will make me want to die.. So instead a woman with less money than some spoiled child with no understanding of sacrifice will give those last few rumbled dollars and exchange it for her child’s hope.
It’s the holidays! A time when the attitude of people begins to feel like what humanity was destined for.. Connection and community. You know… UNITY. As soon as it whispers goodbye a new year is upon us.. Party, kiss, and then alone we reflect. Did this year make a difference in who we are, who we have become individually… A new year… Some years weare so happy to dust off the many disappointments and challenges we embrace this day January 1st like it’s living beauty, so thankful that the day has come to put behind a year past, while others smile sweet sad sighs saying goodbye. This year those sweet sad sighs are dripping from my lips. This year was a good one, brought new life, new belief and most importantly forgiveness. On the journey home, I cried for old become a new blues… I had to retreat, face the truth, and return to crimes that defined opinions of me. Had to face the brutality of accountability/ I survived. Survived and have grown. Even have new philosphy and most of all.. as the clock struck the mid of night, bringing a new day to light… I realize it was the first year, that I felt free. Free of old pain, free of resentments. free of expecttions, free of bullshit. The 1st day of 2014 I let sweet memories of a man loved in the past awaken my thoughts as I read an email from his daughter who today turned another day older and her words touched me… and I remembered that every year holds defining parts of me.. Each year of the 32 alive with me being… has given me merit, trust of me.. 2014 is going to be the year of possibility. That;s the motto I take with me into another year God has given to me… Blessed by being a complete me. No true remarkable notes of mention other than this…. I BELIEVE I WILL BE MORE THAN OKAY.
Here is a bittersweet Hello to 2014.. Before me sets days that will once again come into review… this year I resolve to only do 2 things… Follow my heart boldly while I chase my dream… may be late but today says that it doesn’ty mean never. The second things is something I have already begun yet not as much as I have wanted to.. that thing is treat people kindly.. do my best to not let the moments that disappointment me to become tools of bad treatment to myself or any other.
I welcome you Melody and Mason to the world. May in my presence you see by example that love treats everything like your favorite toy, or thing.. You respect it, treat it well, put it back and hold it close.. so close letting go sounds like a foreign concept.
Thanksgiving 14 years ago,… I made my first jaunt to New Orleans, it was the drying cement that culminated our friendship. The day you became more than my friend, but my family and 14 years later on our holiday you have become a mommy. The last four years have been a stretch of worry, change, adulthood to it’s max. It’s funny but the day I got that text with the positive sign, have worried about you less than ever before in our journey. Melody might just have it better than any song or rhyme that has hit the billboard top slots. I had my moments of sheer panic over the last few years, but when I met the man she shall call Daddy… I found a calm iin my heart for you. I felt that thing I feel when God is telling me that he has got it covered. The real good stories are coming now… this is the part where you get to one up the generation before, The time you can look back and utilize those.. ” When I have kids…”moments.”
I am no one’s mother..but of this I am sure… your words are just as powerful as your actions. Patience is a virture of relentless attemps at just making it to the next level in Super Mario brothers. my promise to my bestest as she begins this journey of motherhood. I will listen to every “She is so Cute”, ” my baby is a genius” story you can dish out. When she enters the terrible twos I won’t laugh when there is a peanut butter and jelly meltdiown because she won’t eat a thing else. When I am in town…. I will disappear with Mel and Mekaykay for at least a two hr span so you can have the kind of MOmmmy Daddy time that will build your resilence. I will write One Tree Hill Style auntie poems that remind you that you have the sister girl alliance that won’t lack sincerity, bring you smiles… and rest the worries of the mothers mind. I will sing and dance at birthday parites and even watch Netflix for kids with Kayla when it seems like Babies get all the luck. Welcome to your new life. You will be just as amazing a mom as you are friend,,,I can finally say with honesty and sincerity that’s its kinda great that you ditched the best coast for that other coast,,,