I dont really write anymore.. Stop doing that when my words became jumbled when I stopped being heard when I stopped believing I deserved to be heard. I wonder if anyone out there felt the same way.. like a voice that use to speak to them hiding in the back of there head seemed to be silenced. A part of me has been murdered, that voice that would rhyme, that seemed to know how to weave words like intricate needle work. Now I am quiet. the silence is binding. I wonder if this change is the me that is to follow if this is the show I will watch. in the outside world I want to be more than my circumstance but the silence has swallowed me
Tag Archives: change
This is one is just going to be a free for all. I just don’t understand it… how family and people in general can be so cruel. When I first found out I had a brain tumor I was pretty much aware of it… something just didn’t seem right. I was telling my toes to move and they wouldn’t move.. I had had a limb for more than three years and I know what your saying that’s a long time.. but I had been homeless I had been a world of turmoil I had been alone, and parts of me just felt like it didn’t matter like it was my penace for all the wrong I had done to myself to those around me. I had moved to a different place I was at peace finally I had made amends with my life… So It didn’t scare me… but when I just got tired of falling… I had gotten tired of the life I was living and I was forced to move back home… Back to good ole Cali… I had no job and God stopped me dead in my tracks and before long I was in a doctors office and I had been told that my gift of discernment and my close quarters with faith and God where in deed true… I had a tumor. I didn;t take it so hard… After all I had a feeling… I told one of my besties and she just didn’t believe me nad told me to hush up… but as I my birthday rolled around.. I knew something was wrong… I told my sister who at the time seemed to be the best friend I could have. Since then she has turned into the puppet master and now all of a sudden people are acting like jerks are little cupcakes you eat for breakfast that give you no muffin tops and you can eat daily without gaining a pound and we know this i not true… the tumor is a glioma malignant but slow growing they say… Thank goodness I am not scared or other eise I would be falling over because these family people are arguing over medical power of whatever… and all I can think about is the fact that I am so tired of something happening,,, I just want to sit down. Once you stop making the bad decisions you hope the decisions that you do make are just better than the last.
Now I spend my days going to CVS like really they know my name like it’s a bar… I go to radiation, I take my medicine.. these are my days… I think aboaut what I am going to where to radiation but they have me on Steroids and they have blown me up to the place of uncomfortable you wouldn’t believe but I still feel alive and happy on most days then my sister my niece my so called family come and they say these things…. I want to blast her out my niece but her business on the web, want to hurt her the way she hurt me and then I realize the life I have lived and where I am now… gives me no way to actually do that… that is not the person I want to be,.. who has a tumor and is a worse person… who goes through the things I have gone through and actually acts like that. Then It makes you start to think about the difference between good people and bad people…..
When I walked in to meet my Radiation Oncologist… I saw a nice Asian doctor with a kind face and news that meant healing. The third question on his list of get to knows me, was the question that I am most ashamed to answer in these days. Having a brain tumor gives you a way out of most things but it still will get you a look of dismay and down right disgust when the answer is in the affirmative to… ” Do you smoke cigarettes?” when you answer this question yes after quiting some other things that carry far more negative conotation…. you know you should really be ashamed. I nodded and I told him that I had been working on quiting and the truth is.. I have…. I have successfully taken a pack a day diet to a three a day habit.. Yet as of Monday Morning my treatment will begin and I am no longer going to be a member of the smoking class. And I damn proud of it…….
Sometimes I crave the inhale of the nicotine, but it quickly subsides…
I am yelling… Back the hell up nicotine… that MONKEY is no lo joke. I mean I have heard of people doing some wild things, for drugs and sex.. and oh the hoarders that I see on tv…. however why none of those things seem to be as bad a cigertte, maybe its beause now hat I do have a cancer to actually give youself this illness with these sticks of relief give me this feeling os something really makes me feel less. Makes me feel like my faith in God is weak… Even having a glass of wine every now and them seems like nothing big or bad to to do.. But in smoking you can kill not just yourself but the people around as you as well.
This long goodbye has been rewardinf and also it has given me something that I can say that I conquered, Having some control in a controlless situation always does make one feel a little better. Goodbye to you Newport… I might miss you but I will never tell you, will never give you the satisfaction,. I don;t miss you after meals anymore, and with this steroid they are giving me you would think that i did, but its slowly faded away. So sayonara bitch made cancer stick
Choices are made for definitive reasoning…. Make your choices with, I live with the intent of positive and feel the vibrations of greatness. This day has defined life for me in a new meaning, in a new space. I embrace it, I will it to change me into the person God has destined me to be. I see the power in life, the design of love, the importance of forgiveness I look to the love I have been given today and I give it to faith, thankful for these moment before my life is altered forever. i feel your strength in my breath. I feel your unconditional love in my heartbeat, I feel your presence in my family. I feel your mercy in my ability to change. I feel you GOD. I have no fear in the eye of this storm, you have awakened me, with the introduction to this new beginning i give it to you. I am ready. I smile moving into the grief of life for I can make mine a meaning, a belief, a truth.
I live today for tomorrow, each choice, each moment, each understanding….
TO MY FRIENDS… WHEN I WAKE UP, COME TO ME, MEND MY WOUNDS WITH THE LOVE THAT ALLOWED ME TO LIVE… i DON’T REGRET MY LIFE
Bind my heart
release the pain
this is the rain
ive gained the belief if belief
in these answers
yet knowing leaves a heart empowered
wont let this take it away
that faith that seperates me
from those that cower in the tumult of trouble
wont find me in the rumble
i know a God has me cradled in arms that defeat the largest of waves wishing to submerge me
im free from the negative
When you look at your own habits like an old dirty sock… It’s probrobaly time to stop. My nose snares and my chest hurts. Head aches begin to overwhelm me. I’m getting irritated with myself. Looking at the pack I feel the cancer tempting me with death. Head wagging to the side.. Dry mouth… Gross. A month ago my favorite two year old grabs my purse heads to the door and says.. Going to smoke. I’m embarrassed,sad and I feel like death is just outside. Oh the power of the damn crack head tar that is draining my wallet and attacking my pride. Want to yell fucking bitch heave the pack but instead the lighter spikes a flame appears and I am inhaling. I don’t even like this… If it was weed I would allow a slow smile grace chapped lips roll my head back and inhale. With a looming brain tumor sure a little toke will be acceptable… But mot this long Newport death. There are two more in the pack and the money is gone… What will I do.. Twerk my walker toting ass to the floor for a drag to hell by way of toxins that can’t be mixing well with the steroids I injest every six. Hours. I welcome the cavalier sneers, please oh please leave me ashamed, leave my soul tortured because of all the things I have done wrong in my life… Right now these crack like abhorrent tendents are crippling me. I hAte u Newport. IM ON MY KNEES IN PRAYER… god deliver me from this. I know the power is yours… It’s taking me down. My Peyton will never smoke.. Her arms wrapped around me vine to skin… Thousand kisses
Planted on ever place she can find warm me… Give me these moments… Reminders that this last one in this fucking pack can take her from me… Course my skin to black pimpled ugly. Something as beautiful as me.. Don’t need a dam crack cig report
Today we celebrate you
And all the beautiful things you do
How you have become the man you are..
Is evidence that with you God definitely set a new bar!
To say your great just wouldn’t be enough
Your bravery, your loyalty, your intelligence, your character
All are the makings of masculine royalty
Nephew of mine, you just have the stuff…
Most men will never have, you are the man, most boys will never come to be
A protector, even as a small boy you protected me
And 13 years your senior…I am the auntie.
Yet that is you a step above the rest always ahead of your time.
A special blessing, one of a kind
To not see it would mean being blind.
This day the final marker to adulthood
Its really just the beginning so I think you have got it good.
Remember to keep a cool head in adversity
Swim in your uniqueness, it’s what sets the tone in owning your diversity
Never compare yourself to the masses
With a brain like yours your a prime candidate for all the right chances
You will be more than great
You naturally have what it takes
To soar high high above the rest
You already have beat the odds in some of life’s greatest test.
In my heart of discernment
The destiny you own will create an environment of riches
As a black man, the devil will tempt you with the wickedness of hustlers, dope runners, and profiling police ditches
I already know the the road you choose will be the one that enables you to grow
Trust your heart when your mind is unsure
Your spirit on first response will always be your cure
The pride I feel for you is more than I can ever say
On this special day
When you were first born at first glance
We shared a beautiful dance
Our smiles in tandem, even when the miles between us are many
Know I love you with a heart of plenty
My handsome and notorious Snooty!!!
Happy 21st birthday!!!!