No Longer A Voice

I dont really write anymore.. Stop doing that when my words became jumbled when I stopped being heard when I stopped believing I deserved to be heard. I wonder if anyone out there felt the same way.. like  a voice that use to speak to them hiding in the back of there head seemed to be silenced. A part of me has been murdered, that voice that would rhyme, that seemed to know how to weave words like intricate needle work.  Now I am quiet. the silence is binding. I wonder if this change is the me that is to follow if this is the show I will watch. in the outside world I want to be more than my circumstance but the silence has swallowed me

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Filed under a rant of love, change

The Reality Tv Viewer Review

It’s Saturday and I have decided to weigh in on reality tv.. depending on how this is taken I may do it again. Because like a good size of the population I find myself watching quite a bit of reality tv, which has made me junkie…. Now I have a brain tumor and I spend alot of time at home because my brain tumor effects my movement and lower extremities and now that my radiation therapy is over and my chemo is more in the for front I am more tired and at home fairly more I have been watching a lot more reality tv because mainly its all that is on. There is so much.. Between Bravo, VH1, E and OXYgen.. you are bombarded with it. My favorite really is investigation ID.. I am an ID addict but I have begun to see the same stories on several different shows so I have branched out. Now the Bad Girls Club which has always been a guilty pleasure and the one I am most ashamed of is my favorite but also the one I have least to say something about. It’s a hot mess… They are a hot mess… fighting over lashes and throwing water and drinks in everyone’s face is just immature and an example of how you are not suppose to be acting… However the person who is my favorite I suppose everyone would look down upon… It’s Jada and Camilla.. which in the last episode got into which I didn’t think was neccessary. Judi needed to go home cuz the voodoo is deep  in her bones and they needed the skelton key to lock her crazy away. Jada to me is real.. she is honest, she says how she feels… That’s more than I can say for alot of other people that grace the tv screen in general.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Now if my husaband was going to jail.. I would be at his side regardless of what he did because I married him. Now while the business is not mine… I know that I am not involved but your man gets 8 years wrong or not… don’t you want him to spend some time with his kids. I understand where you coming from Phadera girl you may be angry, it may be quite aggravating to know that for the next eight years your going to be raising you boys alone… but i hope your going to be taking your children to see there father… Black men already have enough to deal with. Now I understand being a strong black woman.. But dang woman… no  one can get through this life alone…

Kendra On Top

I was most proud of Kendra this week.. I am so happy her and her dad where able to have the visit they did… It’d hard to face the past especially where our parents are concerned. They can be the hardest obstacles to get past. I know my mother drives me insane.. and with the upcoming week Kendra is going to have from the previews I know she would understand… and isn’t this why we watch to connect to know that even the privileged have these same things we do.. However I think she can cut Hank a bit of break.. it’s obvious he loves his wife and just wants to come home. But Hank can’t leave her out there, tell her what happened.. and clear your name… we don’t want you chasing after transvesty booty.. I mean if that’s your thing then by all means go ahead and do so… but I really don’t think it is….

Love and Hip Hop Hollywood

Oh my… it’s Saturday and I deleted the episode from the DVR but ummm Beautiful Omari and Apryl COngrats on the baby… but mom’s is out of pocket… and while my opinion is just that…… Apryl has been really open and honest about wanting you involved but you come back acting like the girl is trying to say she don’t want you around,… Your son has a new family… and the truth is that’s now his first priortiy…. Feels like mom’s is hating to me… and being jealous of your grandchild’s mom is not at all the cuteness.

Fizz my handsome and loving friend… your girl is not what’s up and your baby moms is my new hero I am glad somebody slapped that girl… she don’t want you… it’s obvious in her actions… she wouldn’t be good as anyone’s baby sitter let alone step mother… So yay Moyneice for slapping her ass. See when someone loves you…. they do shit like that for your… cuz you chasing her and she ain’t chasing you

My last thought on this… Hazel… Girl while I understand men lie and will chase down some draws.. that man does not want you… he clearly wants everyone but you.

Masika was doing it in her Ace of Diamonds shoot Nikki your hating and um Young Berg… that must be good cuz everybody is riding it…..

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Filed under impression

Writing The Good Fight

It’s late and I am in the mood to not sleep, the meds keep it hard to drift off into the late night and the hum of the book I am suppose to be writing highlights the thoughts in my head. Instead Rollbounce plays in the background and I find myself thinking how my thoughts are not the same as they use to be. It’s harder for me to complete thoughts. My clarity of thought is not the same. The tumor that has covered my brain has changed me and I keep thinking has it changed my writing for the better or the worse. I know it has changed the desire in me to write but it’s still their. I am reading more of other people’s work. I am more aggressive in my approach. Or better yet my attitutde is uglier or more aggressive but it takes me to a different place of thought.. the thought or kind of thought that makes me want to know more about progressing the writing further.. who is this writer becoming who will she be. The thing that has not changed is the wanting to write, the wanting to be heard. Now I am thinking of writing the good fight.  My auntie sent me a article about th way we need to recycle.. which we should already know but it seems we still don’t. so my idea today is we can at least give it to the homeless guy on the street who is trying to make his dollar ou fo fifteen cents.. that way the responsibility is not ours but we still get the job donewritesometi

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November 5, 2014 · 11:08 am

Seriously, Knock It OFF

This is one is just going to be a free for all. I just don’t understand it… how family and people in general can be so cruel. When I first found out I had a brain tumor I was pretty much aware of it… something just didn’t seem right. I was telling my toes to move and they wouldn’t move.. I had had a limb for more than three years and I know what your saying that’s a long time.. but I had been homeless I had been a world of turmoil I had been alone, and parts of me just felt like it didn’t matter like it was my penace for all the wrong I had done to myself to those around me. I had moved to a different place I was at peace finally I had made amends with my life… So It didn’t scare me… but when I just got tired of falling… I had gotten tired of the life I was living and I was forced to move back home… Back to good ole Cali… I had no job and God stopped me dead in my tracks and before long I was in a doctors office and I had been told that my gift of discernment and my close quarters with faith and God where in deed true… I had a tumor. I didn;t take it so hard… After all I had a feeling… I told one of my besties and she just didn’t believe me nad told me to hush up… but as I my birthday rolled around.. I knew something was wrong… I told my sister who at the time seemed to be the best friend I could have. Since then she has turned into the puppet master and now all of a sudden people are acting like jerks are little cupcakes you eat for breakfast that give you no muffin tops and you can eat daily without gaining a pound and we know this i not true… the tumor is a glioma malignant but slow growing they say… Thank goodness I am not scared or other eise I would be falling over because these family people are arguing over medical power of whatever… and all I can think about is the fact that I am so tired of something happening,,, I just want to sit down. Once you stop making the bad decisions you hope the decisions that you do make are just better than the last.

Now I spend my days going to CVS like really they know my name like it’s a bar… I go to radiation, I take my medicine.. these are my days… I think aboaut what I am going to where to radiation but they have me on Steroids and they have blown me up to the place of uncomfortable you wouldn’t believe but I still feel alive and happy on most days then my sister my niece my so called family come and they say these things…. I want to blast her out my niece but her business on the web, want to hurt her the way she hurt me and then I realize the life I have lived and where I am now… gives me no way to actually do that… that is not the person I want to be,.. who has a tumor and is a worse person… who goes through the things I have gone through and actually acts like that. Then It makes you start to think about the difference between good people and bad people…..

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Filed under a rant of love, Choices

AFTER EARTH, (IF YOU STILL WANT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE, i WOULDN’T READ THIS)

i HAVE DECIDED TO WATCH AFTER EARTH AND EVEN IN SOMETHING I NORMALLY WOULDN’T WATCH, I FIND SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL IN THE DESTRUCTION THAT WE CAN CREATE. SO MANY MOVIES ABOUT LIFE ON EARTH AFTER IT HAS BEEN DESTROYED. SOMETHING WE HAVE ALWAYS DONE IN SO MANY VISIONS WE DESTROY WHAT IS OURS AND I WONDER WHY WE DON’T TREAT OUR LIVING QUARTERS BETTER. HOW LONG DO THE STAIINS OF YOUR COFFEE STAY NUZZLED ON THE TOPS OF YOUR COVERS BEFORE YOU WASH THEM.WE JUST HAVE TO TREAT EARTH BETTER

ITS A PRETTY GOOD MOVIE. THINGS BETWEEN A FATHER AND SON, LIFE AND DEATH, I ACTUALLY ENJOY THE ANGST BUT THE LIES THEY BOTH TELL SEEM SELFISH INSTEAD OF KIND, THEY ARE BOTH ON THE EDGE OF SOMETHING AND WON’T SAY… WHO ARE THEY TRYING TO SAVE EXCEPT THEMSELVES. TRYING TO MAKE IT BACK HOME… SO IF HOME IS NOT A POSSIBILITY. WHY NOT JUST SPEND THE TIME TOGETHER. IF DEATH IS THE FINAL SAY IN JUST A FEW DAYS… JUST A FEW MOMENTS,… THEN WHY SPEND IT IN THE POSSIBLITY OF NOT BEING SAVED. OR MAYBE i AM JUST SEEING IT ALL WRONG.

I WANTED TO STOP WATCHING THIS BUT HERE IT IS  MINUTES LATER AND i STILL DRAWN IN…  GRR.. I GOTTTA PAUSE IT.. WANT TO WATCH THE BAD

IN THOUGHTS OF OUR FUTURE WE BEGIN TO FEAR AND SO FEAR IS NOT REAL… THAT IS NEAR INSANITY. DANGER IS VERY REAL, BUT FEAR IS A CHOICE… NOW THIS… NOW THIS HAS MADE ME STOP AND THINK….

SEE MOVIE NOT BAD… JUST CAUGHT IN BETWEEN THIS UNDERSTANDING…. i JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT POINT. ONE HAS GOT LEGS THAT DON’T WORK… AND THE OTHER ONE WON’T BE ABLE TO BREATHE….SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON HERE… WHY WON’T THEY SAY ANYTHING TO ONE ANOTHER ABOUT THIS… i SUPPOSE LIFE, LIVING, A SURVIVAL IS POSSIBLE… I SUPPOSE THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING… MY PLAY BY PLAY OF THIS i KNOW IS LESS INTERESTING THEN ONE WOULD WANT TO READ… BUT i NEED THE OUTLET PEOPLE AS i WATCH.. BESIDES IT’S WILL AND HIS SON…. SMITH THAT IS… SO MANY PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN THIS.. THE BEST PART IS THAT HIS FATHER KNOWS HE IS LYING, HE CAN FEEL IT IN HIS BONES… BUT TRUTH IS WHEN YOU YOURSELF ARE LYING WHAT CAN YOU REALLY SAY OF THE OTHER PERSON…. TRULY

ABORT CRITERIA… HE HAS EVERYTHING TO PROVE…. HIS FATHER IS THEIR AND HE WANTS TO MAKE HIM PROUD.. THIS IS HUMAN NATURE IS IT NOT… THAT WE WANT TO PROVE TO OUR PARENTS THAT WE ARE CAPABLE.. AND IF WE ARE NOT AT LEAST CAPABLE WE WANT TO BE LOVED AND TO BE PROUD OF FOR WHAT IT IS THAT WE CAN’T DO…. HE WAS SO SAD, SO RESPONSIBLE IN HIS HEART FOR SOMETHING THAT WAS NEVER HIS FAULT….

THE HUMAN EMOTION… IT’S MY FAVORITE UNKNOWN ANSWER, WHY WE MUST FEEL WHY IT MEANS SO MUCH TO US…. EVERY MOVIE, EVER SHOW, EVERYTHING EVER WRITTEN. THE HUMAN EMOTION

SO WHEN HE JUMPED IT JUST SEEMED FITTING… AND i WILL BE BACK.. i THINK A LITTLE RATCHET TV IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS MOVIE WOULD BE FITTING AS WELL

OH NO.. THAT FAKE OLE LION KILLED ALL THE LITTLE BIRDS.. OKAY WELL NO LITTLE BUT THE BIRDS WERE GONE…. AND THAT IS NOT RIGHT… BUT THAT BIRD KNEW THAT HE MEANT HER LITTLE ONES NO HARM… OKAY SO i AM KINDA WATCHING THIS MOVIE… OH THE STRANGE FRUIT… OF COURSE… THE FRUIT ON SOMEBODIES TREE WAS GOING TO BE WRONG…… HE HAS MADE IT TO THE REAR… OH MY GOODNESS.. AFTER EARTH IS A DECENT MOVIE.. WE JUST DIDN’T GIVE IT THE TIME TO MAKE IT IN OUR HEARTS… OKAY SO MAYBE I AM PUTTING A BIT MUCH ON IT…BUT I AM ENJOYING IT… WE ARE AT THE END… OH THEY  CAN’T HEAR EACH OTHER,… OF COURSE… DON’T DO THIS PART TO ME OH MOVIE… i AM GOING TO UPDATE AND i AM GOING LET THIS GO THE POOR BOY CAN NEVER CALMN DOWN…. OH NOW HE HAS GOT IT… i COULDN’T BE ON THE PEOPLES COUCH… I AM TO EMOTIONAL FOR THIS PART.. COME ON LITTLE JADEN….. HERE YOUR FATHER… OH QUATAR THIS IS THE TIME… THE TIME TO LISTEN.. YEP HE DOES IT

SO WHEN DO U CHOOSE BRAVERY, TO JUST RISK IT ALL… THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS AND ONE OF THE FEW ANSWERS I THINK I WOULD HAVE… DIE TRYING, GO OUT WITH SOMETHING TO FIGHT FOR….IF YOUR NOT AFRAID DEAR QATAR HE HAS NO POWER,…. CHOOSE FAITH NOT FEAR AND ALL WILL BE OKAY..

AND SO BE IT I CRIED AT THE END AS IS MY WAY…. IT TOUCHES ME TO KNOW THAT AT LEAST IN THE CREATIVE WORLD WE SEAK TO BE EMOTIONALLY MOVED.. WE TRY TO BELIEVE IN THE HAPPY ENDING…. AND I THINK IT’S GOOD THAT WE STILL TRY THIS WAY…. AFTER EARTH…. I LIKED YOU AND U GO QUATAR OR HOWEVER YOU SPELL IT…. YOU GO AND KILL THAT URSA… ZOE KRAVITZ IS BEAUTIFUL.. i ENJOYED. NOT TO MENTION MY DISH NETWORK HEADPHONES ROCK ROCK

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Filed under ENTERTAINMENT, MOVIES, TV

when possible isn’t

It’s not like it’s an untold story that most loves stories don’t end like the movies. Perfect and simple, pretty untold litle memories where it just happens to be we end up happy. Wouldn’t you rather it messy and ready to just read like manic moments of insanity and then then the parts where arms are held around me, my beat pulsating into rhythmns. I am in love, and in love knows no time. Arrives at your door messy and unshaven but ready. When possible isn’t that moment at the end with the perfect song playing, and we are in love. That wouldn’t be any fun. No story to tell there to neat.. I rather it the other way where I just touch you and I am musty in the sweat of our angst. The dirty angst of what we didn’t do, what we didn’t say. . We kept being wrong, touching where we shouldn’t, laying where we can’t get up to find ourselves in reality. Our reality is lost to this moment. You have come to this place with love in your movement but not in your words and why… I want to ask but answers are spoken in heart rhythmns as I have said. Our language is not of the ears of others. I want to be angry but all I can be.. is who God wants me to be, this woman in this place with situation at this time, with these words to hushed and whispered and screamed and penetrated and………..

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Filed under a rant of love, Choices, destiny

What Story To Tell

Today has been a day that began with a little lesss stress, or maybe a little more hope. Which it is.. is hard to tell, but it felt different.. LEARNING THAT YOUR ILL ALWAYS HAS IT EFFECTS…  YET i USE TO FANCY MYSELF A WRITER. Someone who is well apt with words and emotional overtures.. Yet I haven’t been abl to find any words that I can train together or even manipulate to sound like good anything. I wondered if it was because to truly write I would have to be so  honest… But I don’;t know exactly what is honest are not at this point. Thats when I see a post… ” my health is not imporoving… I realie at this moment that is not SOMETHING THAT TROUBLES ME.. Getting better.. then I see another post, the dangers of cancer, the pain of cancer, my family and cancer.. i am not stirred.. I am not moved… while I have this tumor.. am downing steroids after waiting four months for treatment after my state aid didn’tt seem to work ir self out… I realized that every experience of being ill is not always an emotional experience and that was my style of writing.. I am not feeling soemotional.. I am feeling like I wish I had more oney.. I am feeling like I wish I could center my thoughts like I use to.. I am feeling like I would sleep more… I wish my radiatioin treatment lasted longer everyday… because my technician is changing my opinions of my predjuice of people like him an the table is cold… and my body is usually so hot…. during these few minutes everyday I feel like I am working toward getting better. i am feeling like Steroids are a devil drug because they have caused me to gain 40 pounds in 4 months and I am so uncomfortable….. yet none of things make me feel like writing, none of things make me feel like me, but yet I don;t feel so detached from myself I pity anything about my experience about these moments in my life. I have a tumor.. I can’t wait and I don’t feel all that emotional… I can’t wait begin chemotherapy.. I am ready to move forward.. but I am not ready to cry.. Then it’s back to what story do I tell… Do I tell the story of a girl who escapes into a world of desire… a place she desires of a life after the struggle… or do I tell the story of the event, of the days, of the moments, of the cold slabs, and sweet technicians that make bad days seem like retreats for  healing… how God brought me back to a place i would have have seen as painful to find myself in fits full of laughter and introspection… Yet I suppose like all things…. the layers of situations are never quite as simple as they seem and every story is mostly likely buried way beneath the surface and are never what you think the story truly is…

Most of my answers are never quite as neat as I want them o be… and are left unanswered.. but I do know that this show…. Masters of SEX was addicting and mouth watering and heart snagging all at once….

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September 28, 2014 · 3:36 am