Alcohol, liquor, spirits, drinking is a truth serum. Suddenly things your mind wouldn’t so free release bubbles at the tips of tongue. Liquid courage I have heard it called it called. The emotions kept at bay stifled behind pain, hidden with words unspoken. As the sips become gulps all burning away that wall to emotions […]
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It’s been awhile now with learning about the tumor and now living with it there are things that I don’t say. Things I don’t share because it means not being go vulnerable
Being ositivesaves me on a daily basis yet my hand doesn’t work and that’s frustrating nothing is just simple I gotta work on this work on that work on this and what I really want to say is let me do what I what I want to do don’t I have power in my own life to say that maybe I should go back in treatment
lets break it down no day is promised,,,, something learned it must be earned the right of understanding… Be open to the wisdom of others but open to spiritual freedom. Be wise in your usage of words. Know nothing spoken is unimportant know that other people hold purpose in your journey whether the purpose is significant in a small or great compacity.
If being ill has taught me nothing it’s that our choices mark where we end up. It troubles me watching how many people don’t suffer consequences and then we are left with out come of death treason and unkindness which angers me daily watching shootings and death when that is a choice!
Everyday that I get up I’m faced with a question that forces me to choose positivity or negativity when you choose the first it gives you a chance to see life in a way that gives you something back. That part that gives something back allows you the opportunity to make more of life regardless of your situation. I try my best to wake up each day with the belief that God has more for me than this situation to be more than a victim of my circumstances. These are the things that make me stronger. The places that I reach to find my strengths. Fighting illness can feel like a pair of murderous hand that grab at your throat holding on to you trying to squeeze until your faith and resolve have been shattered and you want to wilt and writher away. Each day I feel more like myself.. I feel more like a person who has something to say something to give. So please understand when I can’t entertain the negative the hurt of jealousy or mistreatment. I leave you behind. I keep you with the things that I fight each day….
when the words are released…
It becOMES THIS AURA OF ENERGY THAT BUILDS WITHIN THE SILENCE . tHOSE MOMENTS RESERVED FOR FEAR, FOR QUESTIONS FOR THE DETORIATION OF FAITH. The devil sneaks into the emptyness of your thoughts. Holds on to the normality of human thought. How do we deal with the severvity of sickness, with the pain of the of healing. How do you let go yjr pings of “how well is he trained. Will I make it from beneath the drill?” WILL I EVER be the same? ”
When those moments have settled into just the norm of this situation and the pulse is creating the need to embrace, I let the times roll over into memories.. i the push on heart feel the relief of release. Life is not promised.. this is the thought that continues to resurface in my mind. And I tired of act
This new life I live sick and missing something that never existed a love affair that lived in my head. Will never be in love I feel. Never be the heartbeat of a man like you were for me. i can’t see it happening. Confined to just this but tonight as I close my eyes I remember what it was in my heart. How I clung to the moments that we did have. the times that we did share and my heartbeat changes. I hate that you still have this control over me. Your suppossed to come to see me the man that controlled my pulse. The only man that i ever connected with in any way. But i guess you loved all others. i was never exactly good eough for you. It didn.t break me.. It just made me blieve that love did exist because even today how I have felt for yu makes me believe in what love can be. As i sit here in the bed that keeps me daily in rememrance of the fact that a brain tumor has changed my life the course of my understanding i think of you. It’s ione of those things that you have to just sdmit happen to me. i looved you. you never loved e but the love I felt for you changed me. Your suppossed to come visit in these days.. I wonder if you will make it to me.. see me in all the ugly o feel. Sick not able to live behind the long hair i use to have. Increasingly overweight from the steroids. All my fears wrapped into one situation. At one time you told me that I lived hehind my long curly hair that the person I was seemed consumed in this. As I live through this I think of yu daily the person that I was you knew. I actually did love you the broken man you really were. I guess in the black and white of it you taught me more aabout myself than i ever knew. As I fight this cancer.. I think of you daily.. Not because of the feelings I had for you but because of the care you really did give to me. You looked at me tht day so long ago now and you said omething ws wrong. It was one of the reasons that I went to the doctor… yet you know me.. my intution strong. yet I have missed you, kissed the feeling of liethat you did give me. You were never good for me. Yet youwere weren’t bad for me either. I wait for you because whent he days end love of any kind is a gift ad I am not afraid t admit that my love for you ran deep, it was the only love I feel nI eer truly felt. i did love a woman for many years trying to qwell the issues i had with my mother an I will never take away from that love. It was a love that took a lot of years in my life and the experience was just as real as the one that I felt for you. It lasted longer was never one sided. It shaped alot of the person that I have become but I can’t compare it to the depth of feeling I felt for you. You showed me tht to connect with a person on so many levels is possible. The thing we sared was a deep intricate friendship that lost it’s footing went to far. It still touches parts of me I wished it couldn’t. All the people that have come to visit me, all the people who love me I still wait to see your face. A face I don’t even find that handsome. A man that I wouldn’t even be proud to say that I know. Yet you changed me. In the midst of a lifetime that I am not exactly proud to even say that I know. I am not going to lie you impacted me.. The person that I am today ia majorly do to the time that we spent together. Whether it was perfect or not we connected. We were in thd least the best of friends. The last time we saw each other before my life drastically changed you were the one that noticed that something about me had changed. You loved me in your way in the best way you could, in the best way that someone like you could love me. In the honesty of this moment I should have listened sooner, maybe they would have caught it sooner but thank you to whatever you were to me because not much later I did listen and I am still here fighting. I am still giving faith to my God. Sometimes the things that we do experience is just to make us stronger and you made me stronger. the hurt, the cfonnection, the everything. The things that I did feel let me understand what love did feel like. I did love you. As I rememeber th pain of seeing you love other woman instead of the one that held you down, the one that gave without trepidation, the one who gave heart soul and body, it hurt yet it made me a fighter prepared me for these days here. This is the fight of my life, this is the cause of my existence to make it through this. So I pray, I keep my mind occupied, I try to believe that it is all for a testimony that God has set out in front of me. All the things that I worried about seems to be fading in the illness. It has built me to be a better version of myself. In my illness I see us for what we really were for what we were not and a part of me doesn’t want to see anything more than another past so that I can paint another future. Yet love is something that truly may be missed on a life that I will live so I give my truth regardless of how stupid it makes me look you were the closest thing I got to it other than her and I’m starting to see what you saw when you met her. A woman that didn’t regard me in a way that worthy not of me yet you both were so similar when I look back I see maybe I didn’t love myself the way I should have. Now that I’m here I look to you in a way that I wan’t to be reminded of yhe things you would tell me. Even in the hurt that I felt in loving you, I have to admit that the best love that you did give to me was helping to build this person that is able to wake up every day ad have thea ttitude that will still fight with all she has. I wait for the friend that I do have in you. That is all we were meant to be. I see that now and with that closure in my heart I am able to embrace you. I am able to see the man you truly are. Every woman wants a great love.. I am no different. The truth is I am only this a woman who in her illess is living her greatest fears. I am bigger than I ever was… the only reason I ever did any drug to keep the pounds at ay. God is teaching me the lessons the hard way. I ran from my mother to be here with her daily, lived beyond the vanity of my beautiful long hair to now have one. This is the greatest lesson that I COULD have experienced. See today life is right in my face in a major way. These are things you have told me be the things that we spoke of years ago are here now. I know things of us you never heard or accepted but now I see that you can’t make someone feel or see something that they just don’t so now i just accept you as you are for everything that you are or are not. I had to do it for myself. In the midst of love that is all you can do right. So I will wait for you to arrive as I know you coming to say yur piece to see the woman you told to check that foot out……
It’s been awhile since I have been here. I am not sure if what I will say will be of any importance. I am in the fight of my life. Really it’s a fight for my life. I have a brain tumor.A brain tumor that has effected the left side of my body. I have limited mobility that effects my walking and my long term memory. I can’t really move my foot but recently I have begun to have a tingling sensation. I have been able to feel a little more than I have in a long time. i can slightly move my toes which I hadn’t been able to do in a year. When I was first diagnosed I had been dragging that Foot with me. Now I have been making slight movements with that foot. It’s been a little while since my radiation to shrink my tumor. I had decided to for go treatment after a bad experience of not eating and also a bad experience in the hospital. Yet in the last couple of days I HAVE FEELING IN THE FOOT THAT PREVIOUSLY WAS EFFECTED. JOURNEY HAS BEEN A LONG ONE. Every day I am faced with the memory lost asking my mother who has the daunting task of taking care of me, the same questions. NEEDING THE WOMAN WHO AT A POINT I DIDN’T TREAT WITH THE RESPECT THAT i SHOULD HAVE. also THE DWINDLING RELATIONSHIP WITH A SISTER THAT i BELIEVED WOULD UNDERSTAND THE PLIGHT THAT I AM GOING THROUGH BECAUSE SHE HAS HAD A CANCER FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS, SHOW ME THAT SOMETIMES PEOPLE CAN’T SEE THE BLESSING IN GETTING THE CHANCE TO LIVE, TO, WALK, TO LIVE A RELATIVELY NORMAL LIFE. THESE ARE THINGS I CAN’T EASILY DO, MATTER OF A FACT I can’t do. It hurts that going through something similar has not brought us closer. Instead a competition for our mothers attention has ensued. I can’t say that I miss her at this point yet the retreat when their is something so dynamic going on is hard to swallow. She has become a sadness inside. Yet in the same moments an excitement that I can feel the foot I at one time couldn’t feel the memories that are coming back. I feel hopeful but can’t share that with my sister or my favorite niece who has taken my sister’s side. I have this dynamic thing going on yet I feel like my family has been disappearing. My friends have been front and center making that seem small. I have begun to write again. Because of my illness I actually have more means so that helps my mother to take care of me. This has all become apart of my identity. I use to want to be a writer but all of this has in some ways made me believe that it’s not possible because my memory is effected. Now my writings are based on what I am doing. More documenting what it is that I am going through.Not that this is bad thing yet it’s not who I was. In the midst of this experience I have had to think about the life choices that I have made because that is what mortality does. Dealing with terminal illness does allot to how you view life because the days are numbered no matter what it is that you do life is now on a time clock. The one thing that it really different is the appreciation that I have for the people and the understanding of my life. In retrospect I feel like like I have been given some time to show especially my mother the regret for the things that I have done to hurt her. In the least can tell her that I am sorry for the things that I have done wrong. Sometimes that is all that you get but for me that is more than enough. It’s not the easiest thing ti ask everyday at the same time.. what did I do? Then their are moments that I look at my weight which in so many ways in my lifetime has bothered me. I have in this situation not even lost any weight and that has taught me the lesson of what it means to really be grateful for what i do have a little more time with family. A little more time to make amends for the things that I have done wrong and boy the drugs that I used that lead me to believe that I gave myself this brain tumor which is absurd It’s unfortunate, but it’s not something that i did to myself. It took me a long time to forgive myself. Now I am starting to regain a little feeling in the foot that before had no feeling. That part is exciting but at the same time its scary. My mother wants me to walk around but the foot is weak and I am afraid. It’s hard to admit this but it is my truth. I want to use this time to be better to tell the people that I love so much that I do love them. So many people have come out to visit me and let e know that they care. I suppose they care. Their was a friend that I had that died of Leukemia and I think of him often. he was also a man that thought high of me actually he loved me. I feel like he was the man that I should have chosen so many years ago because not having anyone love me is one of the greatest fears that I have, that and never really being able to show the people that I care about how much I really do care, It has become one of my greater fears. Yet in the scheme of things i really have no control over anything and that I have to give it all over to God. It’s now my true belief that I have no power. I must have faith because in the end it’s all I have.
So I have began to fall back on the inhale and exhale of the nicotine silent killer… The new commercial featuring the removal of teeth plays in my head… And then I realized… The more time I talk on the phone… The more the drags extend themselves…. The more I talk on the phone the more the desire to suspend my lungs at death expectancy sooner calls to me…. So I amended behaviors… Indoors, movies, a book something else and now my pack a day I had stepped up yo has been reduced to the impressive number of a pack per five days… The glee in my heArt is profound… Screw you nicotine… I will kick you yet. A girl is human dome days are harder then others…. But I’m making strides.. Oh cigs… We gotta break up… I just don’t want this type of love in my life… You stink… And well u just don’t do the things you use to do.. I mean.. You don’t Dorothea my tattered thoughts… You make me see toothless men, you remind me of dirty days and broken highways…. In the height of morning we may meet… Or after a delicious meal… But doing the meals will be less and then you will be a distant memory… I really just font think I want you anymore!!!
I keep trying to grind a way to forgive the new things I hear of people using my truth against me. It hurts in a place that fuels an anger within me. A new tempest creating waves of distance between change and moving on. When life dhows you the storm you have choices.. Choices to choose tight over wrong. Yo choose better over the worse alternative. I want yo be the woman that I have worked so hard yo become. How do you accept the flaws of others when they exploit yours for the privilege of saying that they are better than you. I don’t seek to be better than others. I seek yo be better than what I myself was. I have made mistakes, I have fine the best yo be accountable for those mistakes and learn from those mistakes. When you put in the work I suppose you see things in a different way. I have had someone I love do there best to make me spear like a liar and a Perron who has been misleading and hurtful. A person who I have worked yo rebuild either and now this disfavor f them has made me question who they are. I know tht I can’t change them.. I know I can’t make them see how much they have hurt me. I feel out of control and I feel sad. In the current of the waves that continue to toll in from sea of emotion I don’t have the necessary tools needed to keep the tide from rolling in. I font have the fortune of being able to float into the darkness… I have no energy yo face the depths of their own feelings. Right now all I have is me and my own. I’m angry and I wan to not be. I want to yell stop, want to find my power in the night, to speak my truth yet in reality the truth is finite and obvious. And the only problem that really exist is that they are situation I need to extract myself from at this point but my desire to be loved and accepted by them is yo strong so I have allowed myself yo pulled into the wave of their need to be the part of the universe that matters. I love you but I love me more… So for now I must stay on my side… When I face it…. The only solution is yo just let it go… Georgie myself for being so effected shed my tears and leave it there… I did everything I said I fid.. If u font believe that then to bad but I Jo longer care what you think.. I don’t make you a sum of any of your mistakes and you can leave me in mine without your input… Let me go and live my life… Right now I choose me.. Tight now I choose the quiet of my own thoughts, the consequences of my choices and my circumstances. What I wasn’t is true serenity… I don’t need yo make a show of what and how I’m doing.. I’m doing the best I can.. I’m smiling… I’m working through it.. I holding on yo my strength. I’m praying.. I’m giving it to God… Just like I’m giving you yo God. Cancer, rumors, insurance, life , my desired, my needs, my mother, my family, my people, my heart, my ability yo keep going despite how I actually do it… Is what I can do right now… I keep my distance from your input now not because I don’t care or need it but because I need yo rely on who I smoke… Allowing to much access to me, leaves me in a state if vulnerability that has left me unable o access my greatest power.. My testimony and my experience… I choose to face the truth of who you really are with this.. To accept myself is to accept ell those I encounter…
Living in today never seems important when everything is okay but when things take a turn things are put into perspective….No day is lasting. So fleeting time truly is… there is not Enough to hold on to a grudge, to live in a fight or mistake… the bond that I have began to create with my big sister helps me to keep me grounded…. she has been sick for a long time and I worried but let life get in the way. Its never to late to start again. Kiki you really impress me… you are the reason that I know that love and strength can give you the power to move mountains… I may be late…. but I’m on time to making a life that includes the bond of sisters that I have always wanted.. I know how you feel about our other one… these days I see so clearly why…. yet it’s not over yet… we have just begun…. thank you for all that you do. All our daily convos…. for your strength and words of advice…. we are in this together… the oldest and the baby. The big sister you are shows why you came first…. your helping to make a dream come true… you glitter bright like shiny diamonds. From me to you….. God has a plan for all that you have survived…. we thriving. It’s trying, its draining. And so many things that can defeat your perception yet u still shine so bright… you rock my world, teach me that we are made of the gangsta that claims block so hot they are destined to change the game. He will reveal it to you soon why you will touch lives beyond what the eye can see… we got this…. rebuilding the bridges to love power and courage. So here it is… on these corners of life’s troubled waters, illness and worry, familial negativity, painful admissions and daily gripes we hold our weapons, loaded, locked ready to protect our hopes and dreams, the things we believe in… just what drives us….these situations are just part of the road to the testimony we will share. Another day, another chance. No need to fear what faith has already been given to protect. I love you