It’s late and I am in the mood to not sleep, the meds keep it hard to drift off into the late night and the hum of the book I am suppose to be writing highlights the thoughts in my head. Instead Rollbounce plays in the background and I find myself thinking how my thoughts are not the same as they use to be. It’s harder for me to complete thoughts. My clarity of thought is not the same. The tumor that has covered my brain has changed me and I keep thinking has it changed my writing for the better or the worse. I know it has changed the desire in me to write but it’s still their. I am reading more of other people’s work. I am more aggressive in my approach. Or better yet my attitutde is uglier or more aggressive but it takes me to a different place of thought.. the thought or kind of thought that makes me want to know more about progressing the writing further.. who is this writer becoming who will she be. The thing that has not changed is the wanting to write, the wanting to be heard. Now I am thinking of writing the good fight. My auntie sent me a article about th way we need to recycle.. which we should already know but it seems we still don’t. so my idea today is we can at least give it to the homeless guy on the street who is trying to make his dollar ou fo fifteen cents.. that way the responsibility is not ours but we still get the job donewritesometi
Category Archives: The World
This is one is just going to be a free for all. I just don’t understand it… how family and people in general can be so cruel. When I first found out I had a brain tumor I was pretty much aware of it… something just didn’t seem right. I was telling my toes to move and they wouldn’t move.. I had had a limb for more than three years and I know what your saying that’s a long time.. but I had been homeless I had been a world of turmoil I had been alone, and parts of me just felt like it didn’t matter like it was my penace for all the wrong I had done to myself to those around me. I had moved to a different place I was at peace finally I had made amends with my life… So It didn’t scare me… but when I just got tired of falling… I had gotten tired of the life I was living and I was forced to move back home… Back to good ole Cali… I had no job and God stopped me dead in my tracks and before long I was in a doctors office and I had been told that my gift of discernment and my close quarters with faith and God where in deed true… I had a tumor. I didn;t take it so hard… After all I had a feeling… I told one of my besties and she just didn’t believe me nad told me to hush up… but as I my birthday rolled around.. I knew something was wrong… I told my sister who at the time seemed to be the best friend I could have. Since then she has turned into the puppet master and now all of a sudden people are acting like jerks are little cupcakes you eat for breakfast that give you no muffin tops and you can eat daily without gaining a pound and we know this i not true… the tumor is a glioma malignant but slow growing they say… Thank goodness I am not scared or other eise I would be falling over because these family people are arguing over medical power of whatever… and all I can think about is the fact that I am so tired of something happening,,, I just want to sit down. Once you stop making the bad decisions you hope the decisions that you do make are just better than the last.
Now I spend my days going to CVS like really they know my name like it’s a bar… I go to radiation, I take my medicine.. these are my days… I think aboaut what I am going to where to radiation but they have me on Steroids and they have blown me up to the place of uncomfortable you wouldn’t believe but I still feel alive and happy on most days then my sister my niece my so called family come and they say these things…. I want to blast her out my niece but her business on the web, want to hurt her the way she hurt me and then I realize the life I have lived and where I am now… gives me no way to actually do that… that is not the person I want to be,.. who has a tumor and is a worse person… who goes through the things I have gone through and actually acts like that. Then It makes you start to think about the difference between good people and bad people…..
It’s not like it’s an untold story that most loves stories don’t end like the movies. Perfect and simple, pretty untold litle memories where it just happens to be we end up happy. Wouldn’t you rather it messy and ready to just read like manic moments of insanity and then then the parts where arms are held around me, my beat pulsating into rhythmns. I am in love, and in love knows no time. Arrives at your door messy and unshaven but ready. When possible isn’t that moment at the end with the perfect song playing, and we are in love. That wouldn’t be any fun. No story to tell there to neat.. I rather it the other way where I just touch you and I am musty in the sweat of our angst. The dirty angst of what we didn’t do, what we didn’t say. . We kept being wrong, touching where we shouldn’t, laying where we can’t get up to find ourselves in reality. Our reality is lost to this moment. You have come to this place with love in your movement but not in your words and why… I want to ask but answers are spoken in heart rhythmns as I have said. Our language is not of the ears of others. I want to be angry but all I can be.. is who God wants me to be, this woman in this place with situation at this time, with these words to hushed and whispered and screamed and penetrated and………..
When I walked in to meet my Radiation Oncologist… I saw a nice Asian doctor with a kind face and news that meant healing. The third question on his list of get to knows me, was the question that I am most ashamed to answer in these days. Having a brain tumor gives you a way out of most things but it still will get you a look of dismay and down right disgust when the answer is in the affirmative to… ” Do you smoke cigarettes?” when you answer this question yes after quiting some other things that carry far more negative conotation…. you know you should really be ashamed. I nodded and I told him that I had been working on quiting and the truth is.. I have…. I have successfully taken a pack a day diet to a three a day habit.. Yet as of Monday Morning my treatment will begin and I am no longer going to be a member of the smoking class. And I damn proud of it…….
Sometimes I crave the inhale of the nicotine, but it quickly subsides…
I am yelling… Back the hell up nicotine… that MONKEY is no lo joke. I mean I have heard of people doing some wild things, for drugs and sex.. and oh the hoarders that I see on tv…. however why none of those things seem to be as bad a cigertte, maybe its beause now hat I do have a cancer to actually give youself this illness with these sticks of relief give me this feeling os something really makes me feel less. Makes me feel like my faith in God is weak… Even having a glass of wine every now and them seems like nothing big or bad to to do.. But in smoking you can kill not just yourself but the people around as you as well.
This long goodbye has been rewardinf and also it has given me something that I can say that I conquered, Having some control in a controlless situation always does make one feel a little better. Goodbye to you Newport… I might miss you but I will never tell you, will never give you the satisfaction,. I don;t miss you after meals anymore, and with this steroid they are giving me you would think that i did, but its slowly faded away. So sayonara bitch made cancer stick
Choices are made for definitive reasoning…. Make your choices with, I live with the intent of positive and feel the vibrations of greatness. This day has defined life for me in a new meaning, in a new space. I embrace it, I will it to change me into the person God has destined me to be. I see the power in life, the design of love, the importance of forgiveness I look to the love I have been given today and I give it to faith, thankful for these moment before my life is altered forever. i feel your strength in my breath. I feel your unconditional love in my heartbeat, I feel your presence in my family. I feel your mercy in my ability to change. I feel you GOD. I have no fear in the eye of this storm, you have awakened me, with the introduction to this new beginning i give it to you. I am ready. I smile moving into the grief of life for I can make mine a meaning, a belief, a truth.
I live today for tomorrow, each choice, each moment, each understanding….
TO MY FRIENDS… WHEN I WAKE UP, COME TO ME, MEND MY WOUNDS WITH THE LOVE THAT ALLOWED ME TO LIVE… i DON’T REGRET MY LIFE
I hear the footsteps of your pain, muddy with resentment, discontentment
A heart untouched by kind words,untouched by appreciation for what you give
The rain outside of your windows eternally fall unable to be sheltered from the picture you have painted to the world that fails to provide you the sunshine you need to grow and forgive
I hear them loudly in your tone
In your hurtful words
Your shield from the arms I open to protect you from that downpour
Inhale my love, change your picture
Together we can clean your shoes
Clean away the dirty toils beneath your sole(soul).
Here we can change the forecast of our tomorrow
On our knees we can pray
I will stay within your grasp
Won’t leave you alone
Will set a new tone
In my willingness to be your umbrella in the storm
I feel your core
Feel the beauty you have lost
Just living in that rain
The insurmountable pain
Take my hand
I demand the light to shine within our time
Here we will endure bad, make a path to fine and arrive in the brightness of the sun
Vulnerabilities left with fear
Its time I share with you my faith
Its were my smile arrives
Its wear my pain is released
Its why my shoes are clean
Why the tears always end in a rainbow
Don’t live in the thunder, in that hurricane
Within is how we rebuild
Where we must heal….
A poem written for my Sister Shawishi Haynes on her birthday 2-20-20114 (I never did forget I just wanted it to be my Shawishi Brand of Perfect. Accept this gift of my best part of me…. Much love and appreaciation.
You may not even remember the day you taught me a way to remember how to spell together….. Well I do.. It is the single most influential three minutes of my childhood.
My gift to you
what better than a piece of the best part of me….
With words I can exceed the mundane…
Words are my rain
They cleanse the mental debris moments
Left dark and turbulent
My air fresh promise ripe to inhale
I ingest each thought
Forgiveness, old pain …. each one, pleasant
Just lesson”s learned
those memories are sunshine and cloud-less skies
So here for you I will let my rain pour heavy and loud in your garden of our history
Bring you into the spring of a life, ripe and new
Days marked by the images grasped by my small and child like hands
Along the long corridors of mind where my childhood dwells I walk a mile
There in many different files resides reflective bound copies of your a smile
Your smile, unique, piercing, extravagant
The perfect singular tribute to you
Your laugh, that laugh lingers,
draws words to it melody, magnetic, hypnotic
Can detect it’s vibration
It can be heard from distant vantage points
It’s a compass, my way to find you
it always finds you youthful,
In a library, college camps, colored paper, your study group
I sit aside my thoughts, “How pretty learning looks when it’s with you
I ask .. “Why is it purple? Your paper? When everyone else has paper white no colorful hue…
A smile appears… It’s for a class.. History Sec 102..
That is how I see that hazy day,.. learning so big and beautiful,
You teach me things
I hear those words many times in my walk along our memories
We are in a backseat, the outside surroundings blurred
“I can’t remember” I say
‘Break it down” is your response
“To”I repeat “Get” You say “Her” We say TOGETHER
TO- GET- HER
Every Day from then on, my brain would never let that one word
Scramble or get lost searching
It was filed in front
As I spell together a smile emerges
on how you actually did “Get Me”
Faithful to your power
Loyal to your cacophony of praises
when others want to dismantle your song
You so different from me
Hard to gauge emotionally
Resilient in YOUR ability to set goals and reach them
You, the epitome of what a BIG Sister should BE
A model to emulate
A directive to refer to
The actuality of successful reality
Trembling fingers, a stomach of butterflies
I offer these broad shoulders
a place to rest your Burdens
It’s my speciality
My spiritual quest
The ability to hear the heart murmurs
Allow them the platform to scream, loud and free
without the pungent smell of perception, reception interjection and objection
that rarely embrace or comfort
I offer my rain here, now to cleanse the walls of your heart
erase the faded notes of thoughts unable to be relayed
Remove the residue that stains lips with words unspoken
Left abandoned to let loved ones who have come
vomit their words of pain
Leave the messes of their mistakes at your feet
I know many have left them there in need
I should know.. that’s how I have come to be here.
Now that I have arrived
ALLOW ME to show the tremendous power of extended hand to grasp in need
The power of a mother being what she didn’t quite receive
Allow me to show you, your beauty in the reflection of my rainbow
It shines upon you now as I have let this downpour puddle
here in this heart emotionally able, without any murmurs
Monolithic is a bond between sisters, a club so exclusive
Reaches beyond memories, beyond experiences of now or tomorrow
So if the murmurs create any space in you hollow
I have the room for your downloads
You need to upload those thoughts losts,
Those words unspoken
or maybe somewhere between all you do,
needs left unmet
and being your little sister’s
Every day, extra-ordinary hero
Let’s GET (to-get-her)
share with you my ability to rain my words into the hearts
that touched me
Tell a world about how
in a backseat, a little girl
Unsure and unable to remember, came to be
A woman that gives the gift of words in a box wrapped with
Happy Birthday dear sister
who didn’t know how together I realized a dream
Of breaking down words I could spell or remember to build them back up to bring us all together
Whoever says that Art doesn’t matter, that music, television and the many facets of entertainment don’t add to the culture of life, those opinions are from the unfeeling, from the unmovable. Today I had a heavy heart, my thoughts were of my feelings of non belonging, and a lack of a feeling of peace and home. I tried song after song to lift the heaviness from my heart, but none did the job, I wrote line after line, of poetic prose, to just feel lonely and lost. Then the words of Home, from the musical “The Wiz” crept into my mind and I realized that those were the feelings I was having. I may not have ended up in OZ, but I might as well have. I don’t have the designer shoes to click but I am on a journey.
Before I knew it, I was visiting Netflix and entering the title, and before the opening credits had concluded I was had already began to feel the tension in my neck subside. I sang along with tune after tune.
Each song seemed to touch a place of understanding in me, “You can’t win..” , opened my eyes and before long, I was easing on down the road. I could feel myself remembering with each verse, that the only way to make it out on the other end of this journey triumph is to do what the words were telling me to do. “Don’t you carry nothing that may be a load.”
The past regret, the lost battles have been daily stacking on top of each other leaving me beneath the rubble of my ill gotten attempts at change.
I listen to those around me tell me to put my feelings in check, and I rebuke their attempts to drain me of my passion, my emotional tie to the world. It sets me apart, what if I was like the tin man, allowing myself to become rusty beneath the days past, what if I don’t feel the tug at my heart of today, it will leave me stale, and arrogant, as if bad days don’t come. My strength is not just in my tenacity but in the understanding that being a survivor is living.
The scarecrow, reminded me that no day is full of complete knowledge, each moment, each experience is for me to learn and evolve. If I listen to those crows tell me that I can’t win, that I have to give up on my own ideals and belief, I will never make it back home, to my feeling of serenity and peace, because home is nothing more than a feeling of belonging, and support and love. On this yellow brick road, I’m on a journey to make it home, to retrieve my courage to be myself.
That lion, he touched me the most because I may appear strong, and full of the right words, and ideas, but I fear my desire to be loved and accepted, and I have lost my courage to yet again get up. It feels like I can’t win, like I can’t make it back this time, yet I still possess, my heart, my courage, my brain, and my belief. When the road is hard to travel, when the days seem full of obstacle after obstacle, we forget that the Wiz, is always there… I just have to kneel and humble my self and pray. I have to find my inspiration, find my faith in the reminders that I am not the first to stumble, and fall… but I have all that I need to get back up again.
The Oz I reside is full of familiar faces without unfamiliarity of who I am … but that’s okay because even when the setting changes, I am still the same woman I was when things were bright and full of promise, and this is still promise, another chance to build a heart of character knowledge. The empathy I will possess, the sympathy I will be able to exude, are the things that will give me success.
I will encounter my own Evelene, and even get lost in the devils poppy fields, but these are just moments, the destination is still there waiting for me, and I choose to keep going, and I can say.. Don’t bring me your bad news.
A brand new day is just the beginning of another opportunity to make this day a day better than yesterday. No one can take me from me, as long as I continue to believe that I am worth the journey.
It may seem small like just a musical, just a list of songs, with well-known actors, but it was my therapy today, my comforting arms, my friends, and reminder that Nothing is forsaken and without reason
Able to anticipate the moments that leave you breathless
The investments of living beauty
Immunity given to negative experience
Each day glorious
Incandescent, driven from a source untamed
Remain within the light
left to embrace the ugly in misunderstanding
These continuous tides
Refutable tides of Understanding
to bleed the pain of life
Perish beneath the waves
no strife in the eyes of love
A sea of indefinite reels of currents
each washing away the past
no singular moment last
long enough to defy a souls course of connection
the tides inside, that move our belief
Design our current
define or shoreline of ability to have our hearts beat faster
swept up in moments that leave us eternally
able to view the majestic continuity of the sea
serene, and vast, no empty spaces
for regret remains
no smolder of ash from burning flames
to cure the intensity of change
Incidentally those tides, just rise
each wave, each breath
i invite the death of believing
that change is just this, the ability to anticpate the moments that leave you breathless
to rare the tides of understanding
to high the tide of care
Take me into the current,
ride each ripple of emotion
Deny fear’s deterrent
submit when they arrive
the incidental tides of understanding
living beauty is real
embracing the senses