Category Archives: The Me Files

Dream You

I see you as eyelids touch full cheeks, your face pecan Browning e it against flawless skin, a man of African American lineage made just for me, the tattooed story of your experience hidden by shirts by day, exposed in the dark night to my finger tips, a voice of cool resolve and baritone enticing and assured. Educated by books convicted by experience. A heart large ready to. embrace the passion of the love I have within, no judgment in soulful brown eyes. Your imperfections beautiful. In love with God, you believe in the spirituality of living, the goal of a human soul. Can lead with love, can disagree with grace and emotional honesty, vulnerability doesn’t frighten you, trust leads the line of the things that binds a man to his half. A team is how you approach marriage, ambitious, yet still willing to touch new ground. Fear is nothing more than acknowledging that faith is needed. The mistakes of my past just parts of who I become, total acceptance in those sexy eyes. I dream you real, I dream you of my wants. You hold me in a bed made for two where there are no boundaries on the things we share. Our connection intercepts pain, trust blankets US, protecting us from the devils seeds of jealousy and fearful mistrust. Nothing plant in our garden as we plant beauty of the fruit of spirit, the chains of live that link us to blessing… starting with kindness, then patience, the fore sight of forgiveness, honesty. Our bodies live in the touch of hands, sharing emotion through the elements of attraction. A life of sharing, a life of Ssupport. You back ideas  that further my professional goals, read my words, watch me dance, I sit while you work, cheer you on, celebrating each goal you surpass. You fears are whispered in our sanctuary and my bosom lays for you to rebuild your strength. I pick up where you leave off. I offer my body for you to crawl into when the world seeks to threaten what you have built. I am your shelter. In our home you Are the king. Your kingdom your greatest accomplishment. I dream you with an identity. A life with true characters, supporting and leading. I dream you of all the things a man for me would fit perfectly… accepting. Kind, sexy, humble, creative, loyal, passionate, accomplished , able to help me reach the goals I have for me, the writing, the degree, the desire to touch lived, take care of family, enjoy friends, be in love like living is breathing each moment slowly…. I dream you in the vision I see. I dream with purpose. I dream you!

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Filed under a rant of love, change, desire, Emotion, evolution, growth, life, love, relationships, The L Word, The Me Files

My Final Scene..

You all broke my heart.
Tore me from my hope
Demolished the road paved to my dreams
Took the road of catered pain
Whether the rain
With the storms I could see
Instead of the serpents disguised

to look like love
Took the dark and unsure roads of risk
The ways of walking you taught
painted gold and shiny things were not the beautiful of rare gems
U glittered like gold
Just painted in acrylic with a dusted shine
Paying the fine
For crimes committed before my time
Deserted me, averted me
Perverted my sense of self
No love holds my heart
No jewels valued
She is my heart
Hot, wet
Something I can feel
I Know love, my true gift, nothing more than a valuable curse
Heart em blazed scattered among infinity
a universe crying it’s empathy
It’s pity died with mine.
It’s gone and so am I
Today we celebrate my last breath
In moments dedicated to righting my wrongs
The death of my love
I thought it would cling
Constant song of that ring
Of my need
To show you I care
Its to late
Kick me to the wolves.
Knock me down
Your suggested crown
Don’t symbolize “royal”
On your team
Never again
I am loyal
To me.. Giving all this love, all this good in my heart to God. Going to live the life that shadows the sun you burn in.. I choose the night where I can see what lurks before me.
Your blows left wounds that have pierced my purity.

Took away my trust..

Was already alone
Now I can stop pretending not to be..

Like roads don’t have two directions in which tread.

So sick,

diseased by love abused,

vacant and traumatized.

Lost life to fantasize for tree’s flowers and you welcoming me home.

life is bitter with lessons told.. And dreams sold

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September 28, 2013 · 5:56 am

Absence , Yours Held Me

in the mirror I see you,

their in the slant of my eyes

at your featured cleft copied to my chin

Can’t escape the you that’s is the beginning to my core

can’t take away from the four

identifying marks that label me yours

you aversion to love, you abuse of truth

I can’t escape which I was dervived of

Can’t erase what I arrived from

All of it a part of me

even the dark dingy parts that make me want to resists myself

violently, denying any parts of you reside within

as much as I want to use the word hate to combat the lack of love shown

with each hurt feeling bruise of your lack of action , I have grown

I know I can’t change you but use you as a propelled in flesh example of what not to be

you see even in the pain, wet from tears pouring like rain

those portals of rain became the chain of links that left me with truth

disappointment of desire to have arms circled around my misunderstanding

taught the lesson that even those issued jobs of caring won’t care if God is not present in their intent

to some extinct

the sadness has become pity

A sentence of infinity deadbolt locked to life, here in this hell fell beyond heaven

left to atmospheric us humans inside deep the soul lives

I know this life is to come to a close at some point

i feel the truth of humanity, the gift of this human suit made of leather repairing skin

which is done right one time will show that its all about appreaciation

appreciating the bad days along with the good

ALDAY

Your home as gritty as ghetto’s with shot soaring through the quiet nights

My hood no different, just without the sadness of others the binding of brothers by gangs

no rising brotherhood connecting me to sentimentality of feeling no my hood was small, just two you and I

as i began down the path of streets beat to avoid your face

my never dying disgrace to you lips

your taste for me had me stripped fom the seasoned food of my truth

Soon I would find out that your hood, your dynasty of control

was trully hood… it was a exit exam for elementary thought and enabled mind

so many of peers owned.. yes it was a hood of divinity and it expelled the weak and ignorant and built intelligent sympathetic warriors see Hood.. Was Heaven’s opportunity for me offerinig definitive characterstics.

A suburbian home of midlife love comfortable and daily the same

does not build believers of fight

Believers in the right of the common good

I did grow hurt and I did deter from the roads that others will call right

yet warriors training gladiators don’t come from homes of lies so perfect they feel like truth

with perfect youth tales all surface no lessons of shame, or eyes of change

A later in life successors comes fom the experience of life unpopular by popular belief

if smiles were not made to be appreaciated from previously understated or underrated

melodic sighs of relief

that I would be just a spoiled doll girl like so many peers still lost in the formindable years when me was all that could be heard fom their wanting lips

Those girls who played with the rounded grounds of attraction, firm booties, high titties and the  ability to just get without work

So I must say thank you for your damaging ways,  selfish days never producing conversations of my little lady warnings

the exception is “don’t be like me regretting babies wishing i was some other place other than here

The direct consequence is my eloquence,

my heartbeat strong, my fear only a motivation

my denying of mediocrity , my journey on a road to beliefs untaught by your presence inbred by your absentee parenting

Now I look over at my paiin and it seems so lame in compariion to what it is your feeling or hiding.This time I must admit

not so different fom you so confused and immersed in me

With the revision of faith and the appearence of belief, the admission of guilt

the action of accountability

My path now changed taking roads chosen by instinct, lesson learned consequence simple

when roads of right. treated quoted to our young learning,  one of the few truth from that

basic instructions before leaving earth booklet,

some learned before idea is first person, the bible

use it, to conform, read it for summation noy literal be valued for lesson as seen in, experienced shared i

this statement earned number lesson, how you retrieve the most abundant of blessings

treat those who your connection in all things as you have to you

powerful, but simple in its explanation no need for interruption

no belief, no movement, no revolution will differ in it’s exploration or delivery

it simply knows nothing of experience or sensation

for those not with words so pretty, it’s easy no detail

not doing what I don’t want relayed to me

Its alot heavy yet,

Yet, so easy to carry,

Unlike that wrong which was lite, difficult to carry

infectious consequences side effect crippling

Manipulating the mind,

Deliberate retreats to sell illusions, graphic delusions,

I resist this I won’t apply, your inability to to look outside I

Yet, me the I inside is the only 3Ye used to see, speak, or feel,

I do not have to apply those learned behaviors

Instead, ideal earned by nurturing the difference I see

So I click back, Undo, the application permissions,

hating me for hating the you in me

i forgive my reflection for it’s likeness to you

yet if I forget to trust that raw inner feeling

test ahead for faith, notification

I find the beauty of letting go and letting GOd.

He made me of you so I could take care of you

so I might as well take the express train to acceptance

your never going to change

That story is gone so old , its time to start a new book, a new story

a new page

 

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Filed under a rant of love, change, Choices, desire, destiny, Emotion, gratitude, growth, influences, life, love, relationships, The Me Files, Uncategorized, women, you

FROM YOUR FRIEND WITH LOVE

The Balance of Love

Without you were would I be,

I think you may complete me

Interpret and translate my incoherent thoughts when my words are few

If I ask you to love me more

You would

The only one who  could

Able to weather my changes

Your love is not inconsistent

Don’t retreat when my life is airing in the prime time slot

Always persistent

Always tuning in to see

If I need my theme song, to be repeated back

You help me keep my mind on track

You extend your hand in my transitions

welcoming my growth and changes

When my mind is cloudy my actions out of line

you help me to rearrange the pages

When I need to vacate the memory of myself

You let me explore, yet you never are to far

You have set the bar on loving me

you do it so stupendously

through our friendship, I know the type of love to expect

a bond that uses words like  forever and never  efortlessly

bordering on cocky,

proud,

that even if things in life are rocky

Decisions and truth leave us salty

Still you exude loyalty

After so many obstacles of dramatic proportions

on my side of this team

It’s time I watch the line up Monday’s nights when you come on

These scenes, pages and screenings of your life are coming hard and fast

Testing your courage, strength and faith

Leaving you to warfar of the heart, leaving trails of fear. yet I can say it won’t last

I will not mislead you into an easy transition when your heart feels the daggers of wounds to your heart

Yet I will do my part

In reminding you of your worth, how smart

you are, beautiful and kind

with statement made for the clans of girlfriends, “The Maya to My Joan”

“Girl he is crazy, lost his mind, the man must be blind”, leave the court jester

and let us, find ourselves some kings and sit on this throne

Tears my still flow in heavy streams

make you feel as though you have been ripped at the seams

the very core holding you together

that’s why you get a best friend who can be forever

so we can use never in the terms of pain

the rainbow will come after this diastrious rain

The depth  and severity of this lesson, I can’t change

Yet I am not powerless

I can tell  withyou 100 percent assurance that you have

Me, built to be this friend

Aiding in mending the heart that is brusised

we do not break, never  broken

No one will hold the token

Of taking your power

Can never ascend our tower of self worth

this is our turf the heart

At the finish and at the start, we will leave victorious

sheep with a well knit flock

this doesn’t stop the clock

we keep throwing blows

TKO’s

to those who try to fight unfairly

selfishly or with an intent to misuse or abuse

that would be lighting a fuse to the destruction the opposing army

We go all in to protect

no suspect, behavior will we accept

I am here endlessly

I don’t tire of your venting

my arm will not go numb in support

my ear death to your hurt

my mind dumb to your need

to have a place to cry

here you are not weak

your tears symbols of your bravery

freeing your self from the shackles of emotional slavery

Here the judgement of love does not live

the truth injected with the needles of love

no pinch, no post injected itch

Here you are seen in high acclaim

My heart is fit for the fight

any time day or night

Your light is here waiting for you to lead you to the end of this road

set your pace,

a journey, not a race

Be bold

don’t forget who you are

Find those things you lost in this fire

hold on to the desire of love, never resent

Every smile, lesson learned is heaven sent

Even if it holds pain

It’s not the rain

we remember, the rainbow will appear

the wounds will heal

COntinue to feel

I will keep the pounds of lost a bay

Start each day

With the affirmation

that you can will start another scene

For the finale of this season

Choose a new cast

The past doesn’t last

I stood at your side when it all began

and as it ends, I will be there again

Men always come, and most will go

That we know

Yet a friend signs contracts that have no date to end

Staying when the party has stopped, holding your hand

For life is not always as we plan

I will lift you up

refill your cup

with tea in the morning

and glasses of vodka on the rocks at night

just so you see fun still exist

and of course the life you have built will be missed…

Yet we will not live on negative, that class is dimissed

The time limit for sad days

will be few

Anything born and rooted in misunderstanding

can not grow

a man to demanding

even in anger  must go

You deserve to shine

Believe me, you will be more than fine

You exude the beauty

radiating from the inside

You are a model of living life for the right

I have admired your caring spirit

forgiving heart and open mind.

This will not define you

This will not stiffle your growth or steal your dreams,

Left blind, be blind only to the belief that change is bad

For an open heart, faith and love is all we had or have

Scream loud in empty rooms

Curse the days that try to steal your smile

If you have to, deny the world a while

Real love first must start with you

You are going to see a happiness that will shine so bright you will light

darken hearts, allowing love to find you open to the kind of love that feels complete

The man that takes your breath away

Don’t be afraid to move on

And if the memory of that past love never fades

Pray and be a fool for love…..

Either way you are more than my friend, your my heart

And I need my heart to keep beating

I promise to keep beating to

for you

From your friend with love.

 

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In the Court of Love So New.. I just Met You

New Case, Love.

The facts

The actions of my past can not be rewritten, or edited for a digital  remaster that can be viewed as a memory.

Your tape of us is no more than I can view as it can’t be dictated in commentary of the past as you see it.

My actions can’t be viewed and explained by just the reaction,

the consequence as well as how it was dealt when the impact of feeling was applied and those latent days can nor be denied as if they were not applied to that which was the present and now the future has been met.

Yet the judgement of those mistakes have been tried and documented as the past vs the present and while you get to refer to the judge, who is shown as you.

I am at the mercy of the court for I am still a defendent. Still at the point of guilty for innocence is at your discretion and as much as the woman in me wants to understand and be brave enough to help you to see the vision of forgiveness.

I must not lead any witness as I stand in arguments for myself, this court has NO true litigators.

Yet as the prosecuting side of this love’s judge and jury, I find that we have not prayed, and not fell to our knees in a humbling stance of understanding not just to God.

No we must humble ourselves to the eyes of the one that we allowed ourselves to be naked to, seeing flaws and imperfections with trust.

The pedestal in which I occupied at the days of beginning tells me that the judge is present here for the humanity of us, for this was just a speculation of love that is just infatuation.

The difference in me from the last, means not that I am AlSO not a victim to a past, for it was how at first I looked at you, with eyes of settling out for just good.

These hearts not vastly different from a gang bangers hood, violating the rules of the land outside the vision accepted,

understanding less than objective,

fear leveled at high but disguised as defense

, when bravery is the journey outside of what can not be pre-determined or trusted,

trust is an earned income from the fiends of emotional connectivity.

We are inside the doors of comfort and reliable distance of pain resistance.

Can’t live in this small area of love for sure to not go sour,

the days to short and in the present pass like hours, sometimes even minutes.

Must be willing to be a warrior for the enchanted the passionate the unseen, and exceptional,

my infraction not intentional.

Yet the severity is not at the level of a felony, it was an old melody that caused me to react in a way of the not in total sincere,

I still some days operate in fear,

the devil has done his bidding and succeeding in his quest, allowed the expectation to create a test,

that could not be passed without the luxury of time and time spent,

so it would appear as if the woman you met, has taken a quick left and abandoned the connection,

yet if under greater inspection…

you take the time to look…

the things you loved, the way I cook, the way I speak, the loyalty and attention to detail, are things of me you with open eyes so easy see,

is still the woman who shared the good not yet time for the bad.

It does not negate the times had and the bond created, the one we share,

yet the expectation you held that after so little time I allude is just not fair.

We might have been a great pair, yet the gamble was a short sale bet and the odds fair out of reach..

so we must label this a lesson to teach, instead of a breach to the truth shared

, or the last of whom you compared.

If we have the faith to forgive and the love to embrace,

so many times love we would not chase.

It is not my place or in my character to beg, my ego is full of pride, and if I had the courage to confide,

then you…

why did not have the strength to understand, or the self control to demand something of me in which I must demand of myself.

I appreciate the passion in which you believe.

Yet I meant not to deceive the impression made of me on your heart.

Yet in the willingness of this court to impart this judgement of me,

the heart can not be judged at the court of humanity, it would be insanity, to prove the intention of my action.

No witness could explain the drive, the desire, the fire, the control.

I require an impartial judge and the only one in court today is you.

You as the prosecution and the judge as well as the jury,

leaves me at a no end, no win, no true trial that would be fair, no one with objective ears to not just listen, yet hear.

our heart is not yet committed to truly read over the evidence submitted,

no glove to fit and acquit.

No DNA to test and match, no extension to be granted.

So instead I must declare this a mistrial.

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Filed under The Me Files, Written Emotion