Category Archives: gratitude

The Long Goodbye

When I walked in to meet my Radiation Oncologist… I saw a nice Asian doctor with a kind face and news that meant healing. The third question on his list of get to knows me, was the question that I am most ashamed to answer in these days. Having a brain tumor gives you a way out of most things but it still will get you a look of dismay and down right disgust when the answer is in the affirmative to… ” Do you smoke cigarettes?” when you answer this question yes after quiting some other things that carry far more negative conotation…. you know you should really be ashamed. I nodded and I told him that I had been working on quiting and the truth is.. I have…. I have successfully taken a pack a day diet to a three a day habit.. Yet as of Monday Morning my treatment will begin and I am no longer going to be a member of the smoking class. And I damn proud of it…….

Sometimes I crave the inhale of the nicotine, but it quickly subsides…

I am yelling… Back the hell up nicotine… that MONKEY is no lo joke. I mean I have heard of people doing some wild things, for drugs and sex.. and oh the hoarders that I see on tv…. however why none of those things seem to be as bad a cigertte, maybe its beause now hat I do have a cancer to actually give youself this illness with these sticks of relief give me this feeling os something really makes me feel less. Makes me feel like my faith in God is weak… Even having a glass of wine every now and them seems like nothing big or bad to to do.. But in smoking you can kill not just yourself but the people around as you as well.

This long goodbye has been rewardinf and also it has given me something that I can say that I conquered, Having some control in a controlless situation always does make one feel a little better. Goodbye to you Newport… I might miss you but I will never tell you, will never give you the satisfaction,. I don;t miss you after meals anymore, and with this steroid they are giving me you would think that i did, but its slowly faded away. So sayonara bitch made cancer stick

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September 21, 2014 · 2:27 am

Always With Me

I carry you in a place inside that keeps the monumental power of what your love taught me. A woman without a father needs the love you gave me. The kind of love that reached the places an absentee father needs a woman to have to learn her worth and beauty.  As I feel a new love touch my heart I remember the lessons learned in our journey. The promise of his arrival in your admission to my world is beyond the thanks and appreciation I can ever give to you. I knew in our first meeting I would be forever changed yet to know the true embrace of a love unconditionally given is worth more than all the riches I could obtain in this life. Out beyond a moon I can see… I know you live beneath its light. Without those days… the moments, those words I would not be a woman who knows what she deserves. To say I love you would be less than a million things I truly feel. No poetic prose could manifest the truth in the blessing bestowed in having experienced even the pain evoked by what we shared. You have become the beat of my heart, the strength in my character. No longer in love I finally can see the gifts you gave in leaving me without you in my daily life.  You gave me freedom to be who you saw in me. When the first intense sensation of emotion welled up in my chest grasping my release of our memory…visions overtook me. I saw your approval in the man that so deeply touched me with his admiration of who I had become…. I cried for you. Although we are millions of moments from our last touch, kiss you are there in my actions, in my words. We were the definition of souls intertwined. Our affinity was not about an earthly love. Our love gave me life and now I’m ready for a love that will allow me to live. I will never forget the reflection of me that came to life in the hollows of your brown eyes. I pray your heart hears my gratitude in loving me in all my flaws.

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Filed under a rant of love, change, desire, destiny, Emotion, gratitude, impression, influences, Inspiration

The Nutured Unkindness Of Human

The superior characterstic of humans is the ability to be feeling beings and the understanding of free choice. Combining the two traits we are able to not only survive but thrive as well. We are able to protray kindness, empathy, tolerance, and particpate in acts of unselfishness. The most powerful characteristic of Human Gene is our Advanced level of communication. Language and comprehension of emotion and logic with words, which we can also translate to print.  We dont really appreaciate This importante factor taking it for granted, using it as weapon of manipulation, pain or gain. It has become a weapon of emotional and mental desruction. We bomb our closest friends and family with small doses of lethal venom. It spreads through the soul quickly causing terimanal diseases of hatred, resentment and self doubt.
We use the multi dialects of tongue to crearte boundaries in our community. We are terrorist. Words have always been a silent trigger , appearing harmless until trigger is pulled and the shot is always precise. It may not wound are physical form, however the damage to heart, soul and mind can be devastating, bountiful in weight of its aftermath
We are an unkind species, full of arrogance and intelligence that quickly abandon our choice to be an example of how being apart of humanity can quell desire for pain.
Mothers demean and defy beauty in children by not placing a defining importance on integrity. We can define a new World of life like technologies, yet will impose a daily life shift enabling a souless Man kind. We haughtly believe that consequences of moral and humane offenses are arbirtuary. Countering ramifications recieved with self beneficial rationalizations that mask the absence of conscientious accountability.
True empathy has appeared to become an extinct subsequent thought. Individuals aggressively defend the “me” philisopy which promotes self identification, awareness and defense at the expense of all others.  We excuse once thought to be digusting and distasteful treatment of others with the “me” rebuddle. The survivor of the.fitest is now a survivor of the most connected and financially superior minority. We Project claims of bullying, prejudice, emotional manipulation, elderly abuse, child abuse, deragatory and malicious segreation of the “outcast of society” once catergorized by race, has Extended it coverage área to sexuality,  political ideology, outspoken idealist. Anyone against the forward movement of success and or self gratification of the benefactor can be targeted.  People Have become the new line of products to exploit for gain. The Human resource is the most profitable. The Human who lives the “me” philosphy widely employs the defense… If you are not for me you are against me.
Society by way of humanity is built on community of spirit, purpose and goal. Celebrating the opportunity to invite enterprise by offering one service for another, in the last century we have pioneered the self made all things,  requiring very minimal skill. Even the once glamourous World of art and.Entertainmen has sucumbed to the desire to captilize on the unkindness of humanity. Tv creates salacious faxes to remember celebrating greed and self indulgent petulent
No kindness in business, no accolades for Fair treatment of their gatekeepers of success.
Our loud, attention obessesed World finds critical opinions of llife experiences of our cult celebrities, leaders and next door neighbors as well a marketable skill.
All These things are the saddening Fore shadowing of the World that encompasses the extinction of a rare beauty that Human kind encompasses.

  The greatest artifacts of our history as human reflect the intensity of emotion, the insatiable hunger for the connection to the World in which they lived, and Why we lived at all. The journey to find the answers to profound and inexplicable questions.  Left behind are Chronicles of ritual and faith, the importance of Love and things beyond the control of Man kind.  We Have left humble beauty for ostentatious entitlement. A slow methodic, diabolical undeniable claim to influence and.decrease the power that being a free thinker illuminates.
We Have ability to reinvent the manic and self indulgent world we have created. 

The kindness of a morning greeting, the Good samaratin brave enough, to rescue or intetject in dangerous matters, the loyalty of listening, the sweet traste of compliments, the aftertaste of compatibilty, the dazzle of an awkward Hello; all These things that feed our souls. Families have begun to desacrate the lifeling commitment of unconditional love. Friends; the healing gift of understanding now are bargins of resource for elements we lack.
No longer ambitious for connection, just wealth,status and the no Holds, no regrets, aggressive “not before me” society. Humans will preach of freedom, yet with that same Word will alienate true freedom.
What of we, if not just mere creatures outselves. We create divides between ourselves and the reason we are here on earth. This experience of how those emotions and desires can become powerful shape shifters.  The idea of self is more than the individual, but the whole of our kind. We fail if not done By the tickle of kindness that is all to often not celebrated and nutured.

Our mouths are deadly with negativity, and spreading the debolishment of our greatest weapon,.which are the allies that we inherit. War is now at kitchen table, with guns through chalk boards, from heights of toll way bridges, at the bruised body of a beaten woman. Now instead of invest, we suspect. We ignore instead of embrace. There.are many successes made up of selling devil dunked dreams. Many stories of Love lost to lust.  Many people left to the taunting of being different of being without the resources to better.
We salivate to lofty ideals rather than harmonious realites. We are numb to the effects of poverty and sadness. We find hollow humor in the failures our fellow humans. We become resilent to the design of dog eat dog, each Human for themselves.
In between the neglected cracks those faithful risk takers, defy the conforming attitudes. They build there family of like thinkers and for those few spared minutes or hours they still promote the things that reflect not What u Have been sold but to reflect a society that lives not in Its ability to conquer but to surrender to alliances, kindness, prolific understanding, soul touching music, anti-discrimination warriors, and the most beautiful prophets of our time, poets, writers, musicians.
It began with our unkindness in Just there small prespective of one on one interaction, however like any wide spread contagion, it has bellowing ripples that effect the professional,.personal any other relative interaction with others.

If I speak to you with kindness, my
Love actively enables our alliance, strengthens our emotional bonds, extracts the defensive anger that .opens avaiability for lost of trust,  devaluing character, manipulation of honesty. Your words, your actions,.your.philosphy, your course of every accountable action is a part of who you are, What your brand declares and they type of future you will develop.
Many leas By thought, I leas By heart. Every person I encouter will recieve the kindness that is not so much what they deserve.. yet I owe humanity.

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Filed under a rant of love, blogs, change, Choices, desire, destiny, gratitude, influences, life, love

Questioning life? Why when I can show faith?

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The universe even with all the knowledge we obtain cannot be judged or finite. I don’t question yet sit back with eyes of magnificant and vast appreacition of it’s ability to remain a domain if mystery. The more I live in this abundant creation of science, the more I know a God by whatever name or power exists. Its the most beautiful acceptance in my world. Why do we question so much. Is it fear or true curosioty. Do we need to know everything when neighbors and friends could use that same attention. We spend less time supporting the heart for the mind. That question is the one I seek to answer.

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July 9, 2012 · 9:22 am

Absence , Yours Held Me

in the mirror I see you,

their in the slant of my eyes

at your featured cleft copied to my chin

Can’t escape the you that’s is the beginning to my core

can’t take away from the four

identifying marks that label me yours

you aversion to love, you abuse of truth

I can’t escape which I was dervived of

Can’t erase what I arrived from

All of it a part of me

even the dark dingy parts that make me want to resists myself

violently, denying any parts of you reside within

as much as I want to use the word hate to combat the lack of love shown

with each hurt feeling bruise of your lack of action , I have grown

I know I can’t change you but use you as a propelled in flesh example of what not to be

you see even in the pain, wet from tears pouring like rain

those portals of rain became the chain of links that left me with truth

disappointment of desire to have arms circled around my misunderstanding

taught the lesson that even those issued jobs of caring won’t care if God is not present in their intent

to some extinct

the sadness has become pity

A sentence of infinity deadbolt locked to life, here in this hell fell beyond heaven

left to atmospheric us humans inside deep the soul lives

I know this life is to come to a close at some point

i feel the truth of humanity, the gift of this human suit made of leather repairing skin

which is done right one time will show that its all about appreaciation

appreciating the bad days along with the good

ALDAY

Your home as gritty as ghetto’s with shot soaring through the quiet nights

My hood no different, just without the sadness of others the binding of brothers by gangs

no rising brotherhood connecting me to sentimentality of feeling no my hood was small, just two you and I

as i began down the path of streets beat to avoid your face

my never dying disgrace to you lips

your taste for me had me stripped fom the seasoned food of my truth

Soon I would find out that your hood, your dynasty of control

was trully hood… it was a exit exam for elementary thought and enabled mind

so many of peers owned.. yes it was a hood of divinity and it expelled the weak and ignorant and built intelligent sympathetic warriors see Hood.. Was Heaven’s opportunity for me offerinig definitive characterstics.

A suburbian home of midlife love comfortable and daily the same

does not build believers of fight

Believers in the right of the common good

I did grow hurt and I did deter from the roads that others will call right

yet warriors training gladiators don’t come from homes of lies so perfect they feel like truth

with perfect youth tales all surface no lessons of shame, or eyes of change

A later in life successors comes fom the experience of life unpopular by popular belief

if smiles were not made to be appreaciated from previously understated or underrated

melodic sighs of relief

that I would be just a spoiled doll girl like so many peers still lost in the formindable years when me was all that could be heard fom their wanting lips

Those girls who played with the rounded grounds of attraction, firm booties, high titties and the  ability to just get without work

So I must say thank you for your damaging ways,  selfish days never producing conversations of my little lady warnings

the exception is “don’t be like me regretting babies wishing i was some other place other than here

The direct consequence is my eloquence,

my heartbeat strong, my fear only a motivation

my denying of mediocrity , my journey on a road to beliefs untaught by your presence inbred by your absentee parenting

Now I look over at my paiin and it seems so lame in compariion to what it is your feeling or hiding.This time I must admit

not so different fom you so confused and immersed in me

With the revision of faith and the appearence of belief, the admission of guilt

the action of accountability

My path now changed taking roads chosen by instinct, lesson learned consequence simple

when roads of right. treated quoted to our young learning,  one of the few truth from that

basic instructions before leaving earth booklet,

some learned before idea is first person, the bible

use it, to conform, read it for summation noy literal be valued for lesson as seen in, experienced shared i

this statement earned number lesson, how you retrieve the most abundant of blessings

treat those who your connection in all things as you have to you

powerful, but simple in its explanation no need for interruption

no belief, no movement, no revolution will differ in it’s exploration or delivery

it simply knows nothing of experience or sensation

for those not with words so pretty, it’s easy no detail

not doing what I don’t want relayed to me

Its alot heavy yet,

Yet, so easy to carry,

Unlike that wrong which was lite, difficult to carry

infectious consequences side effect crippling

Manipulating the mind,

Deliberate retreats to sell illusions, graphic delusions,

I resist this I won’t apply, your inability to to look outside I

Yet, me the I inside is the only 3Ye used to see, speak, or feel,

I do not have to apply those learned behaviors

Instead, ideal earned by nurturing the difference I see

So I click back, Undo, the application permissions,

hating me for hating the you in me

i forgive my reflection for it’s likeness to you

yet if I forget to trust that raw inner feeling

test ahead for faith, notification

I find the beauty of letting go and letting GOd.

He made me of you so I could take care of you

so I might as well take the express train to acceptance

your never going to change

That story is gone so old , its time to start a new book, a new story

a new page

 

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Filed under a rant of love, change, Choices, desire, destiny, Emotion, gratitude, growth, influences, life, love, relationships, The Me Files, Uncategorized, women, you

One Tree Hill, It’s Powerful TV

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When I lose my way these days.. I find Netflix is my home of encouragement and rediscovering belief in dreaming, in creating. When I take the quick menu to my favorite app on my  precious online tv viewer. I find solace and I find belief in this little town in North Carolina and this week that home is going to be having its last dance and from the moment I realized that this is what tv can do. This is what a voice can do. I now see how a person can love movies so much they want to make movies. They are inspired and truthfully tv was never my thing… more my mothers thing and seeing as tho my mother has been my enemy for many years and to embrace something she loved would be to be more like her than I already was. It has become fitting for this little town, this little town made of experiences and emotion. This town made of images brought to life by paid liars to breathe a new life into me. I had spent 29 years living a lie of convenience of preservation to leave each day unfelt and undynamic. To be no more than a being living without a tribute to my deep emotion that left unattended made me an unpaid liar living in my own little town of experience and emotion devoid of being seen.  Little fictional towns were no foreign understanding for me and before an intricate moment a few months ago I didn’t see it. Those kids on that creek speaking in language of SAT practice test vocabulary flash cards and deep depriving emotional overtures and music made from that same place I had already begun to see myself. In late 1997 Dawsons Creek premiered and I left a game that I was cheering in early just to make it to my granny’s floor to watch and I was never the same.People laughed at me and asked why I liked that show so much and the answer that eventually came was it was the first show that I watched that no one said I should, that my family didn’t like first, that my friends didn’t invite me to. It was the first show that I could call my own. Yet in this last week of my second favorite show’s conclusion , I find that it was the door that had been opened for me to find my way to inspiration. The dreams of artist are always fought with either support or the lack thereof and I fought that fight against myself and have spent years just not believing and while the credit goes to more aspects than the shows I watch. It is no small coincidence that they play a dynamic part in the inspiration that dreams are no more untakeable and no less reality than each day we live. I was a young woman living in a fantasy that was no more reality then these little towns and when I believed that the world didn’t own hope, didn’t own kindness, born of evil inbred into our days into our moments of choice, Paula sang how she didn’t want to wait and Joey told dawson that she loved him and when they left that creek and reality seemed more prevalent as Joey chose Pacey and my world was angry with dissatisfaction. At that moment the world was loud,  it was true we don’t get no satisfaction in the resolution of dreams deferred. A couple years later as the gritty life of homelessness and drugs claimed my innocence, where storms proved stronger than I; a friend told me that her small North Carolina town saved her life in the adversity of growing….of becoming adults and I laughed. There it was the co signer in this life contract, no need to reevaluate my truth and lost of belief for I no longer believe. I  believe no longer in happy endings but as the words stayed put inside of my always verbal and loud presence I knew that our friendship was the hope that I would need one day. What I didn’t know was that her small town would become my own and she would have lived there before. She would guide me again to believing in me once again. Those days of lustful sex, self mutilating unkindness and emotional denial didn’t end that day, the home where I would live with my mother had strangled me,left riddled by undeniable scars of guilt and anger. Those dark days were tainting my belief in miracles and miracles can not be accepted when you are an atheist of those heavenly granted wishes. Beneath  my dirty dish water however was a dirty but beautiful  crystal just waiting to be reintroduced to life a survivor, a fighter a teacher. If anyone said that movie making, tv show viewing, paid liars didn’t and don’t change the world then I am the testimony to the inspiration and the beauty of the hearts and lives that they do touch. It was a moment of true miraculous intervention. God allows us glimpses in this life of his majesty  and that deity so strong and tall that I lost touch with was quite Shakesperian  when in ironic flair and style  appearred to me on the tv with words of a pastor whom I call Creflo. He stated Job had no book it was in his heart, days later if God didn’t appear there like a dream. HE showed my reality a wolf dressed as a man stealing peoples money with a lie to take their money stating he had these very expensive tv’s for a steal. HE was the pastor of a church and ran this scam on that congregation… just kind hearted trying in the way of God with the dream to be sold of a tv, for people who use that tv to people who just needed that tv to soften the blows of life. So when I tell you that dreams are for the taking then hear this story, that man came into the lives of a friend who opened her doors to me when the bottom could not be more than the life I was suppose to still be living and my destiny came to me in feeling so deeply felt it would not allow itself to be denied. It seemed magical and unable to be defined and that’s when my little town in NOrth Carolina became so real that I could feel the heartbeat of those pens hitting blank paper those hearts blending to descend upon people like me who needed to be reminded that dreams are not just fanatical and obliterated thoughts but subconscious triggers to taking the time to define the person who lies within each of us. The Spirit by which we call many names! The heart that binds us as humans with colored skin, without greedy desire, without separations or inclusions of ignorance and my spirit seemed to reek of apple lilies and pink. In those finals days of my storm I began something that my friends and family found strange,  weird and a signifier that I was a cause lost mending the guilt from the wounds of their neglect to find the little girl that once was so sweet. They called me crazy with a free tongue and now I didn’t sing my pain loudly with disruptive words instead I smiled and treated them the love that I felt was left abandoned from my perceived memories. I declared I would wear primarily Pink, black and white and I chose pink to display the inner skin left exposed when we scrape back that pigmented outer layer, it represented the heart,  the core of who we are. Black for the color black is the darkness that can consume our light when the heart is left hidden behind our fears. White for it is the representation in the only purity that distinguishes us the human race from the kind unknown and the kind unseen. I vowed to one day bring forth a creation of that would be named.. Our eternal souls leading tortured lives, AsK why? In those days of standing on my nexus of life, combining my spirituality, my humanity, and reality. I tuned in each week to my little town on that hill. That Tree on a hill is you, that tree was me and my roots were strong, my branches unwavering and those leaves of living were blowing away and a new season had begun, a new reason being born and it all would be a document of my lifetime. I had work to do, tasks to be defined and when I have completed these tasks, these days, these moments that will blow away I will have done for someone else what this show had done for me with many other departments of being each of us “works in progress”. We must start at the beginning of our pain so  I came back to that home I ran from ferociously and faced the villain with fortitude in my living nighttime drama. Alot like the now adult characters of tree him, my villain was known to me, apart of me, my mother.  I told my mother I loved her and I smiled and did my best to show her not in my words but my actions that it was hard to forgive but you must do so. Each time I would watch Lucus, Nathan, Haley, Brooke, Peyton, soon after Clay, Quinn, Skills Mouth MIllie, Alex and Steven and I use his real name as displayed by character CHase because for me Steven from Laguna Beach the beginning of a phenomenon shows me,  that from nothing something can be magical and beautiful. Mark Schawan created my place of emotional freedom. Each show I watched I cried tears left buried inside of me had corrupted my belief and with tears that will always be my liquid prayers. I could not control those tears as they rolled across my pecan dark skin and I realize that nothing in this life just happens to happen. Each day, each moment will reveal the depth of the miracle in each of us…… and this season marked finale of my little town of Tree Hill as well as the final expressions of my revealing as  I have been completely revealed inside out, All emotional rants and belief in miracles and evidence to enter to the Judge that living and inspiring for each of us well arrive in our disbelief. In the moments of confirmation we will find allies that across the boards of twitter and the noise of life might not have been touched had we not just stopped for a moment to be able to receive.
In the last two months I watched the seasons that I had never seen and just at this moment the last episode concluded of the shows on Netflix and I don’t only feel blessed for the creators, writers, production, the network which Ironically I live down the street from, the actors, the experiences and my best friend for telling me to watch, I feel inspired, I feel bold, I feel period. So thank you to those before me who dared to chase the dream, to create what I could not have found alone. I didn’t just watch those tree hill kids that year in 97 at 17 .. No I walked through the door that would leave me here in these moments with these experiences that shaped me and built a warrior of faith.. My friend was right One Tree HIll saves my life daily… When I get sad these days or need to remember why I do my best to show fortitude I watch for the reality in display of living that has proved to be so much more… like Gavin DeGraw says “ I dont this fiction wanna be anything than other than what I have been trying to be lately”…. Powerful isn’t it those words and at the right moment in the right village of love you see the miracle… the truth, the power in your life that you only need surrender to.  I hope this finds the participators on all walks of making this show happen. While I am quite happy with the way things have ended ultimately for even in the face of villainous creation it was shown all the things I believe in and to say it weird that words said by these characters have been my own is nothing less than serendipitous kismet.

In my unfortunate happenings that become moments that clearly illustrate my destiny.
To all those who wish to change the world… join me in being radically brave and courageous and know this.. love is what is all about.. love for yourself, love for your fellow brother, love for your community, your gift and only seek to touch the lives of those who need the embrace… and find our world of misery transform. it only takes one brave soul to believe that we as people are worth the fight.

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Inside the Light

How did I get to the moment when you were no longer just a part of the world that I was living in? The memory of our meeting, our talks, our walks in this experience of humanity so separate had somehow become so much intertwined. A friendship of constant understanding and individual similarity. Now it feels as though you are as essential as the oxygen needed to breath and live. I can’t live in this type of love, this love that comes with risks and faith. This love that seems to have grown under the wings of God and sings a melody that is beyond the instruments I have been trained to play. You have created a village of followers of my emotions inside of me, and I am beginning to reek of your words, your mission and your journey. I should feel as though i have no longer been myself yet I feel more like me that I ever had. I am being born again in the life of which you have envisioned me and it has begun to empower me and I want to run away from you because we are not in love, I am not yours, you have not become the man to the women I seem to be evolving into. The fears of my youth now comforts of home as I begin to adapt to a new life. The pregnant silences are full of promise and future movement and the miracle born to our conversations, dances of invitation, and faith have made me a proud mother of love. A mother who has labored in the disguise of happy when it was nothing more than incomplete desire that was so well hidden, even my reflection had not yet been introduced. Yet now I see her moving from shadows in plain sight. Now the dark is so illuminated with light and I don’t want to fight the urge to be near the chills that cover my skin when your words reinforce thoughts that have lived without a delivery for the entirety of my life. I was moving, an emotional zombie. Afraid of showing the passion that was so well tamed without the fuel to let it burn yet now I can no longer contain what is there, it has now sparked and is burning so bright. The internal light seems to lead me. God is breathing inside of me, a part of my daily steps. I love what is happening inside of me, it is giving me a glow that is recognized without notice, without a call, it is showing from a place that even I can’t reach. You sit close to me and stay there while I am not looking, while I am not holding on to you. I didn’t want to know the person that would ignite my flame, I didn’t want the introduction for now I can no longer deny. I can no longer excuse the boundary that was just a patch of my fear. Now I must have the courage to choose to have faith and believe in the documented path that has been paved with love and care. I can’t hide in my anger, for smiles continue to permeate the air around me, pulling me from slumber each day that I give myself and I wanted to go back. Just hide from the fact that now the risks are so much greater. You are my heartbeat, my walk, the steps each coming quicker to find the treasure of serenity and peace that are all just the offspring of love. I just don’t know what to do now that I have made this turn. Pulled toward the pillar of my strength. I fall to my knees daily to God for the privilege of allowing our introduction.

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Filed under Emotion, gratitude, love