This new life I live sick and missing something that never existed a love affair that lived in my head. Will never be in love I feel. Never be the heartbeat of a man like you were for me. i can’t see it happening. Confined to just this but tonight as I close my eyes I remember what it was in my heart. How I clung to the moments that we did have. the times that we did share and my heartbeat changes. I hate that you still have this control over me. Your suppossed to come to see me the man that controlled my pulse. The only man that i ever connected with in any way. But i guess you loved all others. i was never exactly good eough for you. It didn.t break me.. It just made me blieve that love did exist because even today how I have felt for yu makes me believe in what love can be. As i sit here in the bed that keeps me daily in rememrance of the fact that a brain tumor has changed my life the course of my understanding i think of you. It’s ione of those things that you have to just sdmit happen to me. i looved you. you never loved e but the love I felt for you changed me. Your suppossed to come visit in these days.. I wonder if you will make it to me.. see me in all the ugly o feel. Sick not able to live behind the long hair i use to have. Increasingly overweight from the steroids. All my fears wrapped into one situation. At one time you told me that I lived hehind my long curly hair that the person I was seemed consumed in this. As I live through this I think of yu daily the person that I was you knew. I actually did love you the broken man you really were. I guess in the black and white of it you taught me more aabout myself than i ever knew. As I fight this cancer.. I think of you daily.. Not because of the feelings I had for you but because of the care you really did give to me. You looked at me tht day so long ago now and you said omething ws wrong. It was one of the reasons that I went to the doctor… yet you know me.. my intution strong. yet I have missed you, kissed the feeling of liethat you did give me. You were never good for me. Yet youwere weren’t bad for me either. I wait for you because whent he days end love of any kind is a gift ad I am not afraid t admit that my love for you ran deep, it was the only love I feel nI eer truly felt. i did love a woman for many years trying to qwell the issues i had with my mother an I will never take away from that love. It was a love that took a lot of years in my life and the experience was just as real as the one that I felt for you. It lasted longer was never one sided. It shaped alot of the person that I have become but I can’t compare it to the depth of feeling I felt for you. You showed me tht to connect with a person on so many levels is possible. The thing we sared was a deep intricate friendship that lost it’s footing went to far. It still touches parts of me I wished it couldn’t. All the people that have come to visit me, all the people who love me I still wait to see your face. A face I don’t even find that handsome. A man that I wouldn’t even be proud to say that I know. Yet you changed me. In the midst of a lifetime that I am not exactly proud to even say that I know. I am not going to lie you impacted me.. The person that I am today ia majorly do to the time that we spent together. Whether it was perfect or not we connected. We were in thd least the best of friends. The last time we saw each other before my life drastically changed you were the one that noticed that something about me had changed. You loved me in your way in the best way you could, in the best way that someone like you could love me. In the honesty of this moment I should have listened sooner, maybe they would have caught it sooner but thank you to whatever you were to me because not much later I did listen and I am still here fighting. I am still giving faith to my God. Sometimes the things that we do experience is just to make us stronger and you made me stronger. the hurt, the cfonnection, the everything. The things that I did feel let me understand what love did feel like. I did love you. As I rememeber th pain of seeing you love other woman instead of the one that held you down, the one that gave without trepidation, the one who gave heart soul and body, it hurt yet it made me a fighter prepared me for these days here. This is the fight of my life, this is the cause of my existence to make it through this. So I pray, I keep my mind occupied, I try to believe that it is all for a testimony that God has set out in front of me. All the things that I worried about seems to be fading in the illness. It has built me to be a better version of myself. In my illness I see us for what we really were for what we were not and a part of me doesn’t want to see anything more than another past so that I can paint another future. Yet love is something that truly may be missed on a life that I will live so I give my truth regardless of how stupid it makes me look you were the closest thing I got to it other than her and I’m starting to see what you saw when you met her. A woman that didn’t regard me in a way that worthy not of me yet you both were so similar when I look back I see maybe I didn’t love myself the way I should have. Now that I’m here I look to you in a way that I wan’t to be reminded of yhe things you would tell me. Even in the hurt that I felt in loving you, I have to admit that the best love that you did give to me was helping to build this person that is able to wake up every day ad have thea ttitude that will still fight with all she has. I wait for the friend that I do have in you. That is all we were meant to be. I see that now and with that closure in my heart I am able to embrace you. I am able to see the man you truly are. Every woman wants a great love.. I am no different. The truth is I am only this a woman who in her illess is living her greatest fears. I am bigger than I ever was… the only reason I ever did any drug to keep the pounds at ay. God is teaching me the lessons the hard way. I ran from my mother to be here with her daily, lived beyond the vanity of my beautiful long hair to now have one. This is the greatest lesson that I COULD have experienced. See today life is right in my face in a major way. These are things you have told me be the things that we spoke of years ago are here now. I know things of us you never heard or accepted but now I see that you can’t make someone feel or see something that they just don’t so now i just accept you as you are for everything that you are or are not. I had to do it for myself. In the midst of love that is all you can do right. So I will wait for you to arrive as I know you coming to say yur piece to see the woman you told to check that foot out……
Category Archives: Emotion
Today has been a day that began with a little lesss stress, or maybe a little more hope. Which it is.. is hard to tell, but it felt different.. LEARNING THAT YOUR ILL ALWAYS HAS IT EFFECTS… YET i USE TO FANCY MYSELF A WRITER. Someone who is well apt with words and emotional overtures.. Yet I haven’t been abl to find any words that I can train together or even manipulate to sound like good anything. I wondered if it was because to truly write I would have to be so honest… But I don’;t know exactly what is honest are not at this point. Thats when I see a post… ” my health is not imporoving… I realie at this moment that is not SOMETHING THAT TROUBLES ME.. Getting better.. then I see another post, the dangers of cancer, the pain of cancer, my family and cancer.. i am not stirred.. I am not moved… while I have this tumor.. am downing steroids after waiting four months for treatment after my state aid didn’tt seem to work ir self out… I realized that every experience of being ill is not always an emotional experience and that was my style of writing.. I am not feeling soemotional.. I am feeling like I wish I had more oney.. I am feeling like I wish I could center my thoughts like I use to.. I am feeling like I would sleep more… I wish my radiatioin treatment lasted longer everyday… because my technician is changing my opinions of my predjuice of people like him an the table is cold… and my body is usually so hot…. during these few minutes everyday I feel like I am working toward getting better. i am feeling like Steroids are a devil drug because they have caused me to gain 40 pounds in 4 months and I am so uncomfortable….. yet none of things make me feel like writing, none of things make me feel like me, but yet I don;t feel so detached from myself I pity anything about my experience about these moments in my life. I have a tumor.. I can’t wait and I don’t feel all that emotional… I can’t wait begin chemotherapy.. I am ready to move forward.. but I am not ready to cry.. Then it’s back to what story do I tell… Do I tell the story of a girl who escapes into a world of desire… a place she desires of a life after the struggle… or do I tell the story of the event, of the days, of the moments, of the cold slabs, and sweet technicians that make bad days seem like retreats for healing… how God brought me back to a place i would have have seen as painful to find myself in fits full of laughter and introspection… Yet I suppose like all things…. the layers of situations are never quite as simple as they seem and every story is mostly likely buried way beneath the surface and are never what you think the story truly is…
Most of my answers are never quite as neat as I want them o be… and are left unanswered.. but I do know that this show…. Masters of SEX was addicting and mouth watering and heart snagging all at once….
It’s there in the me of my moments when I look into the black of dark nights. So many cower from the stillness of being alone but I let the blanket of it comfort me in pained seconds that can migrate into hours of lost. Pain has its way of creeping into the crevices of what should have been fleeting. Can wrap it’s self in the window of what you see, how you perceive, how we move into the next importance of our living.
The tears I leave behind are just these warm cupfuls of emotion, and let them make stained beauty across my face, wear them like proud war bandages of making it through the harsh journey of the decision to keep going, to not allow myself a rainbow that has no ending, no pot of gold. Sometimes in some ways people lose the battle with choosing themselves to be pASS the circumstance or the event. No judgement when the choice is to fly beyond staying… but I must stay, must be a victor in the games of choice. The beautiful in choosing me even when its unpopular. To be selfish is to not think of others… yet my days are spent tirelessly feeling the uncontrollable urge to be something to someone to be kind to hear a story…. Yet it all serves the purpose of how it warms my skin to see a smile, to hear a thank you from the right set of lips. Is winning the battle with how we get through the pain, the hard days of living…. being kind gets me to that point of wanting to choose me, If I choose me, If I love me enough then loving those around me makes it all worth while… sometimes you have to choose yourself beyond some one else leaving them hurt or alone…. and I fear that alone is the thing that kills people, kills their belief and their faith.. then it becomes an understanding of spirituality… how God never leaves us alone and then the thoughts become disconnected loose infatuations of my extended stream of conscious and I am comforted in the closing of my eyes in the drop of my serotonin levels and the steady stream of tears that fall around my face. I am once again me, human and feeling and breaking through the moments that wash away the legitimacy in my thoughts and in my beliefs. I wish that people who lose the battle with sadness had ways to move beyond that pain, Had the quirks that snap and ignite that rebuild the branches that have broken off, instead of being limp and steady to just grow strong another day to climb to become again the ability to lift worry and last nights mistakes from the ground…… I wish more people saw opportunity and beauty in their pain….
Alcohol, liquor, spirits, drinking is a truth serum. Suddenly things your mind wouldn’t so free release bubbles at the tips of tongue. Liquid courage I have heard it called it called. The emotions kept at bay stifled behind pain, hidden with words unspoken.
As the sips become gulps all burning away that wall to emotions laced in resentment I watch you become another person. It hurts to know what I already did. I close my eyes and I seek God to protect me from the attacks of days gone, of mistakes once again you revisit. My tears become the forgiveness I fight daily to maintain but it hurts… it buries what I want to build. Want to snatch the drink from your hands, want to take your words… dilute them with love blend them with sweet coffee beans add sugar… have them settle into your belly warm you so you can really digest a truth of the present and I have done many things, yet at this point change became my intoxicant, my drink. My hit.
I had to and n i w here I am another day… another drunk tirade of faithless abandon and words that scare me to my core. The truth is cold pushing me to the land of the lepers. A sickness has become the door that opens to find myself the victim of your selflessness. The more glasses you feel the more you vomit these moments that have caused me these crippling experiences…. bring me back to days… I work daily to never repeat. Change is hard. I want to wrap my arms around myself. But I won’t, instead I say in the tone I can best muster, edge it’s ring. Don’t talk to me like that. I don’t deserve that… then a bomb hits my ocean. An massive waves draws sobs from the part f me only God can touch and I met honesty pour from my list. Its not for me… I have o worry. I’m scared but God has me… you, have said,,, it’s all because your sick that changes me helping. That buries me….. I feel the sand block as airways. No way to UN hear a love un requited. A mothers love, the live that shaped me.. tears pour over cheeks and acceptance settles behind now dim eyes. From here where do I go
I see you as eyelids touch full cheeks, your face pecan Browning e it against flawless skin, a man of African American lineage made just for me, the tattooed story of your experience hidden by shirts by day, exposed in the dark night to my finger tips, a voice of cool resolve and baritone enticing and assured. Educated by books convicted by experience. A heart large ready to. embrace the passion of the love I have within, no judgment in soulful brown eyes. Your imperfections beautiful. In love with God, you believe in the spirituality of living, the goal of a human soul. Can lead with love, can disagree with grace and emotional honesty, vulnerability doesn’t frighten you, trust leads the line of the things that binds a man to his half. A team is how you approach marriage, ambitious, yet still willing to touch new ground. Fear is nothing more than acknowledging that faith is needed. The mistakes of my past just parts of who I become, total acceptance in those sexy eyes. I dream you real, I dream you of my wants. You hold me in a bed made for two where there are no boundaries on the things we share. Our connection intercepts pain, trust blankets US, protecting us from the devils seeds of jealousy and fearful mistrust. Nothing plant in our garden as we plant beauty of the fruit of spirit, the chains of live that link us to blessing… starting with kindness, then patience, the fore sight of forgiveness, honesty. Our bodies live in the touch of hands, sharing emotion through the elements of attraction. A life of sharing, a life of Ssupport. You back ideas that further my professional goals, read my words, watch me dance, I sit while you work, cheer you on, celebrating each goal you surpass. You fears are whispered in our sanctuary and my bosom lays for you to rebuild your strength. I pick up where you leave off. I offer my body for you to crawl into when the world seeks to threaten what you have built. I am your shelter. In our home you Are the king. Your kingdom your greatest accomplishment. I dream you with an identity. A life with true characters, supporting and leading. I dream you of all the things a man for me would fit perfectly… accepting. Kind, sexy, humble, creative, loyal, passionate, accomplished , able to help me reach the goals I have for me, the writing, the degree, the desire to touch lived, take care of family, enjoy friends, be in love like living is breathing each moment slowly…. I dream you in the vision I see. I dream with purpose. I dream you!
Sleep finally shuts my eyes, the dreamy sensation of life touches my eyes, when I wake the night deep in daily secret memorizing movement. I am deep in thought. A smile sweet on my lips. Pandora beating through headphones song after song our songs. Each a memory of the days we spent talking, days we spent learning each other, even hurtful moments that lead us to this, not speaking, not thinking of each other yet I still smile. Have spoken to your origin to your gift to the world but not you. The man who I dream if no longer you, now my mind fictionalized version of the type cb of lover I want to experience. He has a face a name casually drained from a desire of you, yet his qualities all a designed of all what you were to my life. How you ignited so much in my heart. So much in my mind. The love we share is thriving. We didn’t survive it in the form of relationships but we were up rooted from the thoughts of extinction. The dirt you say I pit on you is the lifetime we will end. I know you think of me, even now when I desperately want the phone to ring and it doesn’t. Even when I learn the effects of the illness that you looked on in the beginning telling me my limp was wrong, watching with care and concern to have me do nothing… it was you with a close appraisal of my well being angry octaves in your tone sat me an emergency room. Icy out call you will learn of what has come to be…. but call rings through, no words from the man who thought ne to see myself through the eyes of worthy. Want to see you know. Want to hear the words of your wisdom. We saw storms in superficial haze of drugged euphoria….. I left those things behind in pursuit of a life you knew I could have. Even imperfect your flaws, your character moved me… our we is defining. Even in my dreams of live with. My ideal man you dwell as the first line of understanding of the kind if woman I am. I need you now. Not to touch the shaded beauty if my sex, not to hold my body against yours but to voice my fears, to do the thing we do, let our hearts release the rain, step IRS storm into the sea of our acceptance complete and UN restricted. In the world you have become a milk carton memory. Removed from family And friends… old live, dear friend my heart searches it’s terrain to send you the message of want, desire for you. Always have known the way your heart beats. I know the curve of your power, and it’s time to walks. New road…. your welcome here with me, no intent beyond understanding, something God given… prayers leave my lips for you to find your way home!
Choices are made for definitive reasoning…. Make your choices with, I live with the intent of positive and feel the vibrations of greatness. This day has defined life for me in a new meaning, in a new space. I embrace it, I will it to change me into the person God has destined me to be. I see the power in life, the design of love, the importance of forgiveness I look to the love I have been given today and I give it to faith, thankful for these moment before my life is altered forever. i feel your strength in my breath. I feel your unconditional love in my heartbeat, I feel your presence in my family. I feel your mercy in my ability to change. I feel you GOD. I have no fear in the eye of this storm, you have awakened me, with the introduction to this new beginning i give it to you. I am ready. I smile moving into the grief of life for I can make mine a meaning, a belief, a truth.
I live today for tomorrow, each choice, each moment, each understanding….
TO MY FRIENDS… WHEN I WAKE UP, COME TO ME, MEND MY WOUNDS WITH THE LOVE THAT ALLOWED ME TO LIVE… i DON’T REGRET MY LIFE