Category Archives: destiny

It Wasn’t That Type of Love

This new life I live sick and missing something that never existed a love affair that lived in my head. Will never be in love I feel. Never be the heartbeat of a man like you were for me. i can’t see it happening. Confined to just this but tonight as I close my eyes I remember what it was in my heart. How I clung to the moments that we did have. the times that we did share and my heartbeat changes. I hate that you still have this control over me. Your suppossed to come to see me the man that controlled my pulse. The only man that i ever connected with in any way. But i guess you loved all others. i was never exactly good eough for you. It didn.t break me.. It just made me blieve that love did exist because even today how I have felt for yu makes me believe in what love can be. As i sit here in the bed that keeps me daily in rememrance of the fact that a brain tumor has changed my life the course of my understanding i think of you. It’s ione of those things that you have to just sdmit happen to me. i looved you. you never loved e but the love I felt for you changed me. Your suppossed to come visit in these days.. I wonder if you will make it to me.. see me in all the ugly o feel. Sick not able to live behind the long hair i use to have. Increasingly overweight from the steroids. All my fears wrapped into one situation. At one time you told me that I lived hehind my long curly hair that the person I was seemed consumed in this. As I live through this I think of yu daily the person that I was you knew. I actually did love you the broken man you really were. I guess in the black and white of it you taught me more aabout myself than i ever knew. As I fight this cancer.. I think of you daily.. Not because of the feelings I had for you but because of the care you really did give to me. You looked at me tht day so long ago now and you said omething ws wrong. It was one of the reasons that I went to the doctor… yet you know me.. my intution strong. yet I have missed you, kissed the feeling of liethat you did give me. You were never good for me. Yet youwere weren’t bad for me either. I wait for you because whent he days end love of any kind is a gift ad I am not afraid t admit that my love for you ran deep, it was the only love I feel nI eer truly felt.  i did love a woman for many years trying to qwell the issues i had with my mother an I will never take away from that love. It was a love that took a lot of years in my life and the experience was just as real as the one that I felt for you. It lasted longer was never one sided. It shaped alot of the person that I have become but I can’t compare it to the depth of feeling I felt for you. You showed me  tht to connect with a person on so many levels is possible. The thing we sared was a deep intricate friendship that lost it’s footing went to far. It still touches parts of  me I wished it couldn’t. All the people that have come to visit me, all the people who love me I still wait to see your face. A face I don’t  even find that handsome. A man that I wouldn’t even be proud to say that  I know. Yet you changed me. In the midst of a lifetime that I am not exactly proud to even say that I know. I am not going to lie you impacted me.. The person that I am today ia majorly do to the time that we spent together. Whether it was perfect or not we connected. We were in thd least the best of friends. The last time we saw each other before my life drastically changed you were the one that noticed that something about me had changed. You loved me in your way in the best way you could, in the best way that someone like you could love me. In the honesty of this moment I should have listened sooner, maybe they would have caught it sooner but thank you to whatever you were to me because not much later I did listen and I am still here fighting. I am still giving faith to my God. Sometimes the things that we do experience is just to make us stronger and you made me stronger. the hurt, the cfonnection, the everything. The things that I did feel let me understand what love did feel like. I did love you. As I rememeber th pain of seeing you love other woman instead of the one that held you down, the one that gave without trepidation, the one who gave heart soul and body, it hurt yet it made me a fighter prepared me for these days here. This is the fight of my life, this is the cause of my existence to make it through this. So I pray, I keep my mind occupied, I try to believe that it is all for a testimony that God has set out in front of me. All the things that I worried about seems to be fading in the illness. It has built me to be a better version of myself. In my illness I see us for what we really were for what we were not and a part of me doesn’t want to see anything more than another past so that I can paint another future. Yet love is something that truly may be missed on a life that I will live so I give my truth regardless of how stupid it makes me look you were the closest thing I got to it other than her and I’m starting to see what you saw when you met her. A woman that didn’t regard me in a way that worthy not of me  yet you both were so similar when I look back I see maybe I didn’t love myself the way I should have. Now that I’m here I look to you in a way that I wan’t to be reminded of yhe things you would tell me. Even in the hurt that I felt in loving you, I have to admit that the best love that you did give to me was helping to build this person that is able to wake up every day ad have thea ttitude that will still fight with all she has. I wait for the friend that I do have in you. That is all we were meant to be. I see that now and with that closure in my heart I am able to embrace you. I am able to see the man you truly are.  Every woman wants a great love.. I am no different. The truth is I am only this a woman who in her illess is living her greatest fears. I am bigger than I ever was… the only reason I ever did any drug to keep the pounds at ay. God is teaching me the lessons the hard way. I ran from my mother to be here with her daily, lived beyond the vanity of my beautiful long hair to now have one. This is the greatest lesson that I COULD  have experienced. See today life is right in my face in a major way. These are things you have told me be the things that we spoke of years ago are here now. I know things of us you never heard or accepted but now I see that you can’t make someone feel or see something that they just don’t so now i just accept you as you are for everything that you are or are not. I had to do it for myself. In the midst of love that is all you can do right. So  I will wait for you to arrive as I know you coming to say yur piece to see the woman you  told to check that foot out……

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March 30, 2015 · 8:58 am

when possible isn’t

It’s not like it’s an untold story that most loves stories don’t end like the movies. Perfect and simple, pretty untold litle memories where it just happens to be we end up happy. Wouldn’t you rather it messy and ready to just read like manic moments of insanity and then then the parts where arms are held around me, my beat pulsating into rhythmns. I am in love, and in love knows no time. Arrives at your door messy and unshaven but ready. When possible isn’t that moment at the end with the perfect song playing, and we are in love. That wouldn’t be any fun. No story to tell there to neat.. I rather it the other way where I just touch you and I am musty in the sweat of our angst. The dirty angst of what we didn’t do, what we didn’t say. . We kept being wrong, touching where we shouldn’t, laying where we can’t get up to find ourselves in reality. Our reality is lost to this moment. You have come to this place with love in your movement but not in your words and why… I want to ask but answers are spoken in heart rhythmns as I have said. Our language is not of the ears of others. I want to be angry but all I can be.. is who God wants me to be, this woman in this place with situation at this time, with these words to hushed and whispered and screamed and penetrated and………..

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Filed under a rant of love, Choices, destiny

What Story To Tell

Today has been a day that began with a little lesss stress, or maybe a little more hope. Which it is.. is hard to tell, but it felt different.. LEARNING THAT YOUR ILL ALWAYS HAS IT EFFECTS…  YET i USE TO FANCY MYSELF A WRITER. Someone who is well apt with words and emotional overtures.. Yet I haven’t been abl to find any words that I can train together or even manipulate to sound like good anything. I wondered if it was because to truly write I would have to be so  honest… But I don’;t know exactly what is honest are not at this point. Thats when I see a post… ” my health is not imporoving… I realie at this moment that is not SOMETHING THAT TROUBLES ME.. Getting better.. then I see another post, the dangers of cancer, the pain of cancer, my family and cancer.. i am not stirred.. I am not moved… while I have this tumor.. am downing steroids after waiting four months for treatment after my state aid didn’tt seem to work ir self out… I realized that every experience of being ill is not always an emotional experience and that was my style of writing.. I am not feeling soemotional.. I am feeling like I wish I had more oney.. I am feeling like I wish I could center my thoughts like I use to.. I am feeling like I would sleep more… I wish my radiatioin treatment lasted longer everyday… because my technician is changing my opinions of my predjuice of people like him an the table is cold… and my body is usually so hot…. during these few minutes everyday I feel like I am working toward getting better. i am feeling like Steroids are a devil drug because they have caused me to gain 40 pounds in 4 months and I am so uncomfortable….. yet none of things make me feel like writing, none of things make me feel like me, but yet I don;t feel so detached from myself I pity anything about my experience about these moments in my life. I have a tumor.. I can’t wait and I don’t feel all that emotional… I can’t wait begin chemotherapy.. I am ready to move forward.. but I am not ready to cry.. Then it’s back to what story do I tell… Do I tell the story of a girl who escapes into a world of desire… a place she desires of a life after the struggle… or do I tell the story of the event, of the days, of the moments, of the cold slabs, and sweet technicians that make bad days seem like retreats for  healing… how God brought me back to a place i would have have seen as painful to find myself in fits full of laughter and introspection… Yet I suppose like all things…. the layers of situations are never quite as simple as they seem and every story is mostly likely buried way beneath the surface and are never what you think the story truly is…

Most of my answers are never quite as neat as I want them o be… and are left unanswered.. but I do know that this show…. Masters of SEX was addicting and mouth watering and heart snagging all at once….

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September 28, 2014 · 3:36 am

Always With Me

I carry you in a place inside that keeps the monumental power of what your love taught me. A woman without a father needs the love you gave me. The kind of love that reached the places an absentee father needs a woman to have to learn her worth and beauty.  As I feel a new love touch my heart I remember the lessons learned in our journey. The promise of his arrival in your admission to my world is beyond the thanks and appreciation I can ever give to you. I knew in our first meeting I would be forever changed yet to know the true embrace of a love unconditionally given is worth more than all the riches I could obtain in this life. Out beyond a moon I can see… I know you live beneath its light. Without those days… the moments, those words I would not be a woman who knows what she deserves. To say I love you would be less than a million things I truly feel. No poetic prose could manifest the truth in the blessing bestowed in having experienced even the pain evoked by what we shared. You have become the beat of my heart, the strength in my character. No longer in love I finally can see the gifts you gave in leaving me without you in my daily life.  You gave me freedom to be who you saw in me. When the first intense sensation of emotion welled up in my chest grasping my release of our memory…visions overtook me. I saw your approval in the man that so deeply touched me with his admiration of who I had become…. I cried for you. Although we are millions of moments from our last touch, kiss you are there in my actions, in my words. We were the definition of souls intertwined. Our affinity was not about an earthly love. Our love gave me life and now I’m ready for a love that will allow me to live. I will never forget the reflection of me that came to life in the hollows of your brown eyes. I pray your heart hears my gratitude in loving me in all my flaws.

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Filed under a rant of love, change, desire, destiny, Emotion, gratitude, impression, influences, Inspiration

Snooty…my Nephew is 21

Today we celebrate you
And all the beautiful things you do
How you have become the man you are..
Is evidence that with you God definitely set a new bar!
To say your great just wouldn’t be enough
Your bravery, your loyalty, your intelligence, your character
All are the makings of masculine royalty
Nephew of mine, you just have the stuff…
Most men will never have, you are the man, most boys will never come to be
A protector, even as a small boy you protected me
And 13 years your senior…I am the auntie.
Yet that is you a step above the rest always ahead of your time.
A special blessing, one of a kind
To not see it would mean being blind.
This day the final marker to adulthood
Its really just the beginning so I think you have got it good.
Remember to keep a cool head in adversity
Swim in your uniqueness, it’s what sets the tone in owning your diversity
Never compare yourself to the masses
With a brain like yours your a prime candidate for all the right chances
You will be more than great
You naturally have what it takes
To soar high high above the rest
You already have beat the odds in some of life’s greatest test.
In my heart of discernment
The destiny you own will create an environment of riches
As a black man, the devil will tempt you with the wickedness of hustlers, dope runners, and profiling police ditches
I already know the the road you choose will be the one that enables you to grow
Trust your heart when your mind is unsure
Your spirit on first response will always be your cure
The pride I feel for you is more than I can ever say
On this special day
When you were first born at first glance
We shared a beautiful dance
Our smiles in tandem, even when the miles between us are many
Know I love you with a heart of plenty
My handsome and notorious Snooty!!!
Happy 21st birthday!!!!

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Filed under a rant of love, change, destiny, growth, life, love, relationships, Written Emotion

To-Get-Her: A Birthday Gift : My Big Sister Shawishi!!!!!

A poem written for my Sister Shawishi Haynes on her birthday 2-20-20114 (I never did forget I just wanted it to be my Shawishi Brand of Perfect. Accept this gift of my best part of me…. Much love and appreaciation.

You may not even remember the day you taught me a way to remember how to spell together….. Well  I do.. It is the single most influential three minutes  of my childhood.

My gift to you

what better than a piece of the best part of me….

With words I can exceed the mundane…

Words are my rain

They cleanse the mental debris moments

Left dark and turbulent

My air fresh promise ripe to inhale

I ingest each thought

Forgiveness, old pain …. each one, pleasant

Just lesson”s learned

those memories are sunshine and cloud-less skies

So here for you I will let my rain pour heavy and loud in your garden of our history

Bring you into the spring of a life, ripe and new

Days marked by the images grasped by my small and child like hands

Along the long corridors of mind where my childhood dwells I walk a mile

There in many different files resides reflective bound copies of your a smile

Your smile, unique,  piercing, extravagant

The perfect singular tribute to you

Your laugh, that laugh lingers,

draws words to it melody, magnetic, hypnotic

Can detect it’s vibration

It can be heard from distant vantage points

It’s a compass, my way to find you

it always finds you youthful,

In a library, college camps, colored paper, your study group

I sit aside my thoughts, “How pretty learning looks when it’s with you

I ask .. “Why is it purple? Your paper? When everyone else has paper white no colorful hue…

A smile appears… It’s for a class.. History Sec 102..

That is how I see that hazy day,.. learning so big and beautiful,

Colorful

You teach me things

I hear those words many times in my walk along our memories

We are in a backseat, the outside surroundings blurred

“I can’t remember” I say

‘Break it down” is your response

“To”I repeat “Get” You say “Her” We say TOGETHER

TO- GET- HER

Simply Beautiful

Every Day from then on, my brain would never let that one word

Scramble or get lost searching

It was filed in front

even today

As I spell together a smile emerges

on how you actually did “Get Me”

Faithful to your power

Loyal to your cacophony of praises

when others want to dismantle your song

All along

You so different from me

Hard to gauge emotionally

Resilient in YOUR ability to set goals and reach them

You, the epitome of what a BIG Sister  should BE

A model to emulate

A directive to refer to

The actuality of successful reality

Trembling fingers, a stomach of butterflies

I offer these broad shoulders

a place to rest your Burdens

It’s my speciality

My spiritual quest

The ability to hear the heart murmurs

Allow them the platform to scream, loud and free

without the pungent smell of perception, reception  interjection and objection

that rarely embrace or comfort

I offer my rain here, now to cleanse the walls  of your heart

erase the faded notes of thoughts unable to be relayed

Remove the residue that stains lips with words unspoken

Left abandoned to let  loved ones who have come

 vomit their words of pain

Leave the messes of their mistakes at your feet

I know many have left them there in need

I should know.. that’s how I have come to be here.

Now that I have arrived

ALLOW ME to show the tremendous power of extended hand to grasp in need

The power of a mother being what she didn’t quite receive

Allow me to show you, your beauty in the reflection of my rainbow

It shines upon you now as I have let this downpour  puddle

here in this heart emotionally able, without any murmurs

Monolithic is a bond between sisters, a club so exclusive

Reaches beyond memories, beyond experiences of now or tomorrow

So if the murmurs create any space in you hollow

I have the room for your downloads

You need to upload those thoughts losts,

Those words unspoken

or maybe somewhere between all you do,

needs left unmet

and being your little sister’s

Every day, extra-ordinary hero

Let’s GET (to-get-her)

share with you my ability to rain my words into the hearts

that touched me

Tell a world about how

in a backseat, a little girl

Unsure and unable to remember, came to be

A woman that gives the gift of words in a box wrapped with

Beginnings…

Happy Birthday dear sister

who didn’t know how together I realized a dream

Of breaking down words I could spell or remember to build them back up to bring us all together

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Filed under a rant of love, destiny, growth, life, love, The World

Let Go of Her, See Me

I am tired

Tired of living in each mistake

Tired of being the reason your eyes roll

Each day, another Risk  I take

to just be the forgiven

To just be seen

Does it make your heart flutter to be mean

to me, to make me see

how wrong I have been

how long ago

when

when will I no longer be a sum of each mistake I made

Will it be the day I have paid

paid it to the game

with my blood split

the ground opened for me all pretty

my body cold, my head at a perfect tilt

Is the day of my no longer the day I will

be given

the gift of being

forgiven

I was driven  in my pain

Promoted with each mistake

To “no good”, “damaged”, “broken”, “Sad tale of possibility lost”

Now that I have retired from the full-time life of  bad decisions

I want to be able to change careers,

face my fears

of responsibility

To arise to my potential

would mean monumental task of expected accountability

Can’t blame it on the alcohol, the party, the man-made euphoria

Have to arrive each time

So let me

Let go of what I did

and appraise what I do

Allow me to be the new

version of me you said was destiny

If I can survive the darkest forest of negativity

I most definitely can deal with living for the responsibility

Of my potential, talents, and gifts

My gears have taken a shift

Now why don’t you

Forgive me for not meeting your expectations

I might give you revelations

that far exceed what you thought I would be

How about you stop looking back

And look at me.

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September 10, 2013 · 1:00 am