It’s Been A While: Living with A Brain Tumor

It’s been awhile since I have been here. I am not sure if what I will say will be of any importance. I am in the fight of my life. Really it’s a fight for my life. I have a brain tumor.A brain tumor that has effected the left side of my body. I have limited mobility that effects my walking and my long term memory. I can’t really move my foot but recently I have begun to have a tingling sensation. I have been able to feel a little more than I have in a long time. i can slightly move my toes which I hadn’t been able to do in a year. When I was first diagnosed I had been dragging that Foot with me. Now I have been making slight movements with that foot. It’s been a little while since my radiation to shrink my tumor. I had decided to for go treatment after a bad experience of not eating and also a bad experience in the hospital.  Yet in the last couple of days I HAVE FEELING IN THE FOOT THAT PREVIOUSLY WAS EFFECTED. JOURNEY HAS BEEN A LONG ONE.  Every day I am faced with the memory lost asking my mother who has the daunting task of taking care of me, the same questions. NEEDING THE WOMAN WHO  AT A POINT I DIDN’T TREAT WITH THE RESPECT THAT i SHOULD HAVE. also  THE DWINDLING RELATIONSHIP WITH A SISTER THAT i BELIEVED WOULD UNDERSTAND THE PLIGHT THAT I AM GOING THROUGH BECAUSE SHE HAS HAD A CANCER FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS, SHOW ME THAT SOMETIMES PEOPLE CAN’T SEE THE BLESSING IN GETTING THE CHANCE TO LIVE, TO, WALK, TO LIVE A RELATIVELY NORMAL LIFE. THESE ARE THINGS I CAN’T EASILY DO, MATTER OF A FACT I can’t do.   It hurts that going through something similar has not brought us closer. Instead a competition for our mothers attention has ensued. I can’t say that I miss her at this point yet the retreat when their is something so dynamic going on is hard to swallow. She has become a sadness inside. Yet in the same moments an excitement that I can feel the foot I at one time couldn’t feel the memories that are coming back. I feel hopeful but can’t share that with my sister or my favorite niece who has taken my sister’s side. I have this dynamic thing going on yet I feel like my family has been disappearing. My friends have been front and center making that seem small. I have begun to write again. Because of my illness I actually have more means so that helps my mother to take care of me. This has all become apart of my identity. I use to want to be a writer but all of this has in some ways made me believe that it’s not possible because my memory is effected. Now my writings are based on what I am doing. More documenting what it is that I am going through.Not that this is bad thing yet it’s not who I was. In the midst of this experience I have had to think about the life choices that I have made because that is what mortality does. Dealing with terminal illness does allot to how you view life because the days are numbered no matter what it is that you do life is now on a time clock. The one thing that it really different is the appreciation that I have for the people and the understanding of my life. In retrospect I feel like like I have been given some time to show especially my mother the regret for the things that I have done to hurt her. In the least  can tell her that I am sorry for the things that I have done wrong. Sometimes that is all that you get but for me that is more than enough. It’s not the easiest thing ti ask everyday at the same time.. what did I do? Then their are moments that I look at my weight which in so many ways in my lifetime has bothered me. I have in this situation not even lost any weight and that has taught me the lesson of what it means to really be grateful for what i do have a little more time with family. A little more time to make amends for the things that I have done wrong and boy the drugs that I used that lead me to believe that I gave myself this brain tumor which is absurd It’s unfortunate, but it’s not something that i did to myself. It took me a long time to forgive myself. Now I am starting to regain a little feeling in the foot that before had no feeling. That part is exciting but at the same time its scary. My mother wants me to walk around but the foot is weak and I am afraid. It’s hard to admit this but it is my truth. I want to use this time to be better to tell the people that I love so much that I do love them. So many people have come out to visit me and let e know that they care. I suppose they care. Their was a friend that I had that died of Leukemia and I think of him often. he was also a man that thought high of me actually he loved me. I feel like he was the man that I should have chosen so many years ago because not having anyone love me is one of the greatest fears that I have, that and never really being able to show the people that I care about how much I really do care, It has become one of my greater fears. Yet in the scheme of things i really have no control over anything and that I have to give it all over to God. It’s now my true belief that I have no power. I must have faith because in the end it’s all I have.

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