Monthly Archives: March 2015

It Wasn’t That Type of Love

This new life I live sick and missing something that never existed a love affair that lived in my head. Will never be in love I feel. Never be the heartbeat of a man like you were for me. i can’t see it happening. Confined to just this but tonight as I close my eyes I remember what it was in my heart. How I clung to the moments that we did have. the times that we did share and my heartbeat changes. I hate that you still have this control over me. Your suppossed to come to see me the man that controlled my pulse. The only man that i ever connected with in any way. But i guess you loved all others. i was never exactly good eough for you. It didn.t break me.. It just made me blieve that love did exist because even today how I have felt for yu makes me believe in what love can be. As i sit here in the bed that keeps me daily in rememrance of the fact that a brain tumor has changed my life the course of my understanding i think of you. It’s ione of those things that you have to just sdmit happen to me. i looved you. you never loved e but the love I felt for you changed me. Your suppossed to come visit in these days.. I wonder if you will make it to me.. see me in all the ugly o feel. Sick not able to live behind the long hair i use to have. Increasingly overweight from the steroids. All my fears wrapped into one situation. At one time you told me that I lived hehind my long curly hair that the person I was seemed consumed in this. As I live through this I think of yu daily the person that I was you knew. I actually did love you the broken man you really were. I guess in the black and white of it you taught me more aabout myself than i ever knew. As I fight this cancer.. I think of you daily.. Not because of the feelings I had for you but because of the care you really did give to me. You looked at me tht day so long ago now and you said omething ws wrong. It was one of the reasons that I went to the doctor… yet you know me.. my intution strong. yet I have missed you, kissed the feeling of liethat you did give me. You were never good for me. Yet youwere weren’t bad for me either. I wait for you because whent he days end love of any kind is a gift ad I am not afraid t admit that my love for you ran deep, it was the only love I feel nI eer truly felt.  i did love a woman for many years trying to qwell the issues i had with my mother an I will never take away from that love. It was a love that took a lot of years in my life and the experience was just as real as the one that I felt for you. It lasted longer was never one sided. It shaped alot of the person that I have become but I can’t compare it to the depth of feeling I felt for you. You showed me  tht to connect with a person on so many levels is possible. The thing we sared was a deep intricate friendship that lost it’s footing went to far. It still touches parts of  me I wished it couldn’t. All the people that have come to visit me, all the people who love me I still wait to see your face. A face I don’t  even find that handsome. A man that I wouldn’t even be proud to say that  I know. Yet you changed me. In the midst of a lifetime that I am not exactly proud to even say that I know. I am not going to lie you impacted me.. The person that I am today ia majorly do to the time that we spent together. Whether it was perfect or not we connected. We were in thd least the best of friends. The last time we saw each other before my life drastically changed you were the one that noticed that something about me had changed. You loved me in your way in the best way you could, in the best way that someone like you could love me. In the honesty of this moment I should have listened sooner, maybe they would have caught it sooner but thank you to whatever you were to me because not much later I did listen and I am still here fighting. I am still giving faith to my God. Sometimes the things that we do experience is just to make us stronger and you made me stronger. the hurt, the cfonnection, the everything. The things that I did feel let me understand what love did feel like. I did love you. As I rememeber th pain of seeing you love other woman instead of the one that held you down, the one that gave without trepidation, the one who gave heart soul and body, it hurt yet it made me a fighter prepared me for these days here. This is the fight of my life, this is the cause of my existence to make it through this. So I pray, I keep my mind occupied, I try to believe that it is all for a testimony that God has set out in front of me. All the things that I worried about seems to be fading in the illness. It has built me to be a better version of myself. In my illness I see us for what we really were for what we were not and a part of me doesn’t want to see anything more than another past so that I can paint another future. Yet love is something that truly may be missed on a life that I will live so I give my truth regardless of how stupid it makes me look you were the closest thing I got to it other than her and I’m starting to see what you saw when you met her. A woman that didn’t regard me in a way that worthy not of me  yet you both were so similar when I look back I see maybe I didn’t love myself the way I should have. Now that I’m here I look to you in a way that I wan’t to be reminded of yhe things you would tell me. Even in the hurt that I felt in loving you, I have to admit that the best love that you did give to me was helping to build this person that is able to wake up every day ad have thea ttitude that will still fight with all she has. I wait for the friend that I do have in you. That is all we were meant to be. I see that now and with that closure in my heart I am able to embrace you. I am able to see the man you truly are.  Every woman wants a great love.. I am no different. The truth is I am only this a woman who in her illess is living her greatest fears. I am bigger than I ever was… the only reason I ever did any drug to keep the pounds at ay. God is teaching me the lessons the hard way. I ran from my mother to be here with her daily, lived beyond the vanity of my beautiful long hair to now have one. This is the greatest lesson that I COULD  have experienced. See today life is right in my face in a major way. These are things you have told me be the things that we spoke of years ago are here now. I know things of us you never heard or accepted but now I see that you can’t make someone feel or see something that they just don’t so now i just accept you as you are for everything that you are or are not. I had to do it for myself. In the midst of love that is all you can do right. So  I will wait for you to arrive as I know you coming to say yur piece to see the woman you  told to check that foot out……

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March 30, 2015 · 8:58 am

It’s Been A While: Living with A Brain Tumor

It’s been awhile since I have been here. I am not sure if what I will say will be of any importance. I am in the fight of my life. Really it’s a fight for my life. I have a brain tumor.A brain tumor that has effected the left side of my body. I have limited mobility that effects my walking and my long term memory. I can’t really move my foot but recently I have begun to have a tingling sensation. I have been able to feel a little more than I have in a long time. i can slightly move my toes which I hadn’t been able to do in a year. When I was first diagnosed I had been dragging that Foot with me. Now I have been making slight movements with that foot. It’s been a little while since my radiation to shrink my tumor. I had decided to for go treatment after a bad experience of not eating and also a bad experience in the hospital.  Yet in the last couple of days I HAVE FEELING IN THE FOOT THAT PREVIOUSLY WAS EFFECTED. JOURNEY HAS BEEN A LONG ONE.  Every day I am faced with the memory lost asking my mother who has the daunting task of taking care of me, the same questions. NEEDING THE WOMAN WHO  AT A POINT I DIDN’T TREAT WITH THE RESPECT THAT i SHOULD HAVE. also  THE DWINDLING RELATIONSHIP WITH A SISTER THAT i BELIEVED WOULD UNDERSTAND THE PLIGHT THAT I AM GOING THROUGH BECAUSE SHE HAS HAD A CANCER FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS, SHOW ME THAT SOMETIMES PEOPLE CAN’T SEE THE BLESSING IN GETTING THE CHANCE TO LIVE, TO, WALK, TO LIVE A RELATIVELY NORMAL LIFE. THESE ARE THINGS I CAN’T EASILY DO, MATTER OF A FACT I can’t do.   It hurts that going through something similar has not brought us closer. Instead a competition for our mothers attention has ensued. I can’t say that I miss her at this point yet the retreat when their is something so dynamic going on is hard to swallow. She has become a sadness inside. Yet in the same moments an excitement that I can feel the foot I at one time couldn’t feel the memories that are coming back. I feel hopeful but can’t share that with my sister or my favorite niece who has taken my sister’s side. I have this dynamic thing going on yet I feel like my family has been disappearing. My friends have been front and center making that seem small. I have begun to write again. Because of my illness I actually have more means so that helps my mother to take care of me. This has all become apart of my identity. I use to want to be a writer but all of this has in some ways made me believe that it’s not possible because my memory is effected. Now my writings are based on what I am doing. More documenting what it is that I am going through.Not that this is bad thing yet it’s not who I was. In the midst of this experience I have had to think about the life choices that I have made because that is what mortality does. Dealing with terminal illness does allot to how you view life because the days are numbered no matter what it is that you do life is now on a time clock. The one thing that it really different is the appreciation that I have for the people and the understanding of my life. In retrospect I feel like like I have been given some time to show especially my mother the regret for the things that I have done to hurt her. In the least  can tell her that I am sorry for the things that I have done wrong. Sometimes that is all that you get but for me that is more than enough. It’s not the easiest thing ti ask everyday at the same time.. what did I do? Then their are moments that I look at my weight which in so many ways in my lifetime has bothered me. I have in this situation not even lost any weight and that has taught me the lesson of what it means to really be grateful for what i do have a little more time with family. A little more time to make amends for the things that I have done wrong and boy the drugs that I used that lead me to believe that I gave myself this brain tumor which is absurd It’s unfortunate, but it’s not something that i did to myself. It took me a long time to forgive myself. Now I am starting to regain a little feeling in the foot that before had no feeling. That part is exciting but at the same time its scary. My mother wants me to walk around but the foot is weak and I am afraid. It’s hard to admit this but it is my truth. I want to use this time to be better to tell the people that I love so much that I do love them. So many people have come out to visit me and let e know that they care. I suppose they care. Their was a friend that I had that died of Leukemia and I think of him often. he was also a man that thought high of me actually he loved me. I feel like he was the man that I should have chosen so many years ago because not having anyone love me is one of the greatest fears that I have, that and never really being able to show the people that I care about how much I really do care, It has become one of my greater fears. Yet in the scheme of things i really have no control over anything and that I have to give it all over to God. It’s now my true belief that I have no power. I must have faith because in the end it’s all I have.

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