Monthly Archives: October 2014

Seriously, Knock It OFF

This is one is just going to be a free for all. I just don’t understand it… how family and people in general can be so cruel. When I first found out I had a brain tumor I was pretty much aware of it… something just didn’t seem right. I was telling my toes to move and they wouldn’t move.. I had had a limb for more than three years and I know what your saying that’s a long time.. but I had been homeless I had been a world of turmoil I had been alone, and parts of me just felt like it didn’t matter like it was my penace for all the wrong I had done to myself to those around me. I had moved to a different place I was at peace finally I had made amends with my life… So It didn’t scare me… but when I just got tired of falling… I had gotten tired of the life I was living and I was forced to move back home… Back to good ole Cali… I had no job and God stopped me dead in my tracks and before long I was in a doctors office and I had been told that my gift of discernment and my close quarters with faith and God where in deed true… I had a tumor. I didn;t take it so hard… After all I had a feeling… I told one of my besties and she just didn’t believe me nad told me to hush up… but as I my birthday rolled around.. I knew something was wrong… I told my sister who at the time seemed to be the best friend I could have. Since then she has turned into the puppet master and now all of a sudden people are acting like jerks are little cupcakes you eat for breakfast that give you no muffin tops and you can eat daily without gaining a pound and we know this i not true… the tumor is a glioma malignant but slow growing they say… Thank goodness I am not scared or other eise I would be falling over because these family people are arguing over medical power of whatever… and all I can think about is the fact that I am so tired of something happening,,, I just want to sit down. Once you stop making the bad decisions you hope the decisions that you do make are just better than the last.

Now I spend my days going to CVS like really they know my name like it’s a bar… I go to radiation, I take my medicine.. these are my days… I think aboaut what I am going to where to radiation but they have me on Steroids and they have blown me up to the place of uncomfortable you wouldn’t believe but I still feel alive and happy on most days then my sister my niece my so called family come and they say these things…. I want to blast her out my niece but her business on the web, want to hurt her the way she hurt me and then I realize the life I have lived and where I am now… gives me no way to actually do that… that is not the person I want to be,.. who has a tumor and is a worse person… who goes through the things I have gone through and actually acts like that. Then It makes you start to think about the difference between good people and bad people…..

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Filed under a rant of love, Choices

AFTER EARTH, (IF YOU STILL WANT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE, i WOULDN’T READ THIS)

i HAVE DECIDED TO WATCH AFTER EARTH AND EVEN IN SOMETHING I NORMALLY WOULDN’T WATCH, I FIND SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL IN THE DESTRUCTION THAT WE CAN CREATE. SO MANY MOVIES ABOUT LIFE ON EARTH AFTER IT HAS BEEN DESTROYED. SOMETHING WE HAVE ALWAYS DONE IN SO MANY VISIONS WE DESTROY WHAT IS OURS AND I WONDER WHY WE DON’T TREAT OUR LIVING QUARTERS BETTER. HOW LONG DO THE STAIINS OF YOUR COFFEE STAY NUZZLED ON THE TOPS OF YOUR COVERS BEFORE YOU WASH THEM.WE JUST HAVE TO TREAT EARTH BETTER

ITS A PRETTY GOOD MOVIE. THINGS BETWEEN A FATHER AND SON, LIFE AND DEATH, I ACTUALLY ENJOY THE ANGST BUT THE LIES THEY BOTH TELL SEEM SELFISH INSTEAD OF KIND, THEY ARE BOTH ON THE EDGE OF SOMETHING AND WON’T SAY… WHO ARE THEY TRYING TO SAVE EXCEPT THEMSELVES. TRYING TO MAKE IT BACK HOME… SO IF HOME IS NOT A POSSIBILITY. WHY NOT JUST SPEND THE TIME TOGETHER. IF DEATH IS THE FINAL SAY IN JUST A FEW DAYS… JUST A FEW MOMENTS,… THEN WHY SPEND IT IN THE POSSIBLITY OF NOT BEING SAVED. OR MAYBE i AM JUST SEEING IT ALL WRONG.

I WANTED TO STOP WATCHING THIS BUT HERE IT IS  MINUTES LATER AND i STILL DRAWN IN…  GRR.. I GOTTTA PAUSE IT.. WANT TO WATCH THE BAD

IN THOUGHTS OF OUR FUTURE WE BEGIN TO FEAR AND SO FEAR IS NOT REAL… THAT IS NEAR INSANITY. DANGER IS VERY REAL, BUT FEAR IS A CHOICE… NOW THIS… NOW THIS HAS MADE ME STOP AND THINK….

SEE MOVIE NOT BAD… JUST CAUGHT IN BETWEEN THIS UNDERSTANDING…. i JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT POINT. ONE HAS GOT LEGS THAT DON’T WORK… AND THE OTHER ONE WON’T BE ABLE TO BREATHE….SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON HERE… WHY WON’T THEY SAY ANYTHING TO ONE ANOTHER ABOUT THIS… i SUPPOSE LIFE, LIVING, A SURVIVAL IS POSSIBLE… I SUPPOSE THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING… MY PLAY BY PLAY OF THIS i KNOW IS LESS INTERESTING THEN ONE WOULD WANT TO READ… BUT i NEED THE OUTLET PEOPLE AS i WATCH.. BESIDES IT’S WILL AND HIS SON…. SMITH THAT IS… SO MANY PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN THIS.. THE BEST PART IS THAT HIS FATHER KNOWS HE IS LYING, HE CAN FEEL IT IN HIS BONES… BUT TRUTH IS WHEN YOU YOURSELF ARE LYING WHAT CAN YOU REALLY SAY OF THE OTHER PERSON…. TRULY

ABORT CRITERIA… HE HAS EVERYTHING TO PROVE…. HIS FATHER IS THEIR AND HE WANTS TO MAKE HIM PROUD.. THIS IS HUMAN NATURE IS IT NOT… THAT WE WANT TO PROVE TO OUR PARENTS THAT WE ARE CAPABLE.. AND IF WE ARE NOT AT LEAST CAPABLE WE WANT TO BE LOVED AND TO BE PROUD OF FOR WHAT IT IS THAT WE CAN’T DO…. HE WAS SO SAD, SO RESPONSIBLE IN HIS HEART FOR SOMETHING THAT WAS NEVER HIS FAULT….

THE HUMAN EMOTION… IT’S MY FAVORITE UNKNOWN ANSWER, WHY WE MUST FEEL WHY IT MEANS SO MUCH TO US…. EVERY MOVIE, EVER SHOW, EVERYTHING EVER WRITTEN. THE HUMAN EMOTION

SO WHEN HE JUMPED IT JUST SEEMED FITTING… AND i WILL BE BACK.. i THINK A LITTLE RATCHET TV IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS MOVIE WOULD BE FITTING AS WELL

OH NO.. THAT FAKE OLE LION KILLED ALL THE LITTLE BIRDS.. OKAY WELL NO LITTLE BUT THE BIRDS WERE GONE…. AND THAT IS NOT RIGHT… BUT THAT BIRD KNEW THAT HE MEANT HER LITTLE ONES NO HARM… OKAY SO i AM KINDA WATCHING THIS MOVIE… OH THE STRANGE FRUIT… OF COURSE… THE FRUIT ON SOMEBODIES TREE WAS GOING TO BE WRONG…… HE HAS MADE IT TO THE REAR… OH MY GOODNESS.. AFTER EARTH IS A DECENT MOVIE.. WE JUST DIDN’T GIVE IT THE TIME TO MAKE IT IN OUR HEARTS… OKAY SO MAYBE I AM PUTTING A BIT MUCH ON IT…BUT I AM ENJOYING IT… WE ARE AT THE END… OH THEY  CAN’T HEAR EACH OTHER,… OF COURSE… DON’T DO THIS PART TO ME OH MOVIE… i AM GOING TO UPDATE AND i AM GOING LET THIS GO THE POOR BOY CAN NEVER CALMN DOWN…. OH NOW HE HAS GOT IT… i COULDN’T BE ON THE PEOPLES COUCH… I AM TO EMOTIONAL FOR THIS PART.. COME ON LITTLE JADEN….. HERE YOUR FATHER… OH QUATAR THIS IS THE TIME… THE TIME TO LISTEN.. YEP HE DOES IT

SO WHEN DO U CHOOSE BRAVERY, TO JUST RISK IT ALL… THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS AND ONE OF THE FEW ANSWERS I THINK I WOULD HAVE… DIE TRYING, GO OUT WITH SOMETHING TO FIGHT FOR….IF YOUR NOT AFRAID DEAR QATAR HE HAS NO POWER,…. CHOOSE FAITH NOT FEAR AND ALL WILL BE OKAY..

AND SO BE IT I CRIED AT THE END AS IS MY WAY…. IT TOUCHES ME TO KNOW THAT AT LEAST IN THE CREATIVE WORLD WE SEAK TO BE EMOTIONALLY MOVED.. WE TRY TO BELIEVE IN THE HAPPY ENDING…. AND I THINK IT’S GOOD THAT WE STILL TRY THIS WAY…. AFTER EARTH…. I LIKED YOU AND U GO QUATAR OR HOWEVER YOU SPELL IT…. YOU GO AND KILL THAT URSA… ZOE KRAVITZ IS BEAUTIFUL.. i ENJOYED. NOT TO MENTION MY DISH NETWORK HEADPHONES ROCK ROCK

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Filed under ENTERTAINMENT, MOVIES, TV

when possible isn’t

It’s not like it’s an untold story that most loves stories don’t end like the movies. Perfect and simple, pretty untold litle memories where it just happens to be we end up happy. Wouldn’t you rather it messy and ready to just read like manic moments of insanity and then then the parts where arms are held around me, my beat pulsating into rhythmns. I am in love, and in love knows no time. Arrives at your door messy and unshaven but ready. When possible isn’t that moment at the end with the perfect song playing, and we are in love. That wouldn’t be any fun. No story to tell there to neat.. I rather it the other way where I just touch you and I am musty in the sweat of our angst. The dirty angst of what we didn’t do, what we didn’t say. . We kept being wrong, touching where we shouldn’t, laying where we can’t get up to find ourselves in reality. Our reality is lost to this moment. You have come to this place with love in your movement but not in your words and why… I want to ask but answers are spoken in heart rhythmns as I have said. Our language is not of the ears of others. I want to be angry but all I can be.. is who God wants me to be, this woman in this place with situation at this time, with these words to hushed and whispered and screamed and penetrated and………..

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Filed under a rant of love, Choices, destiny