It’s there in the me of my moments when I look into the black of dark nights. So many cower from the stillness of being alone but I let the blanket of it comfort me in pained seconds that can migrate into hours of lost. Pain has its way of creeping into the crevices of what should have been fleeting. Can wrap it’s self in the window of what you see, how you perceive, how we move into the next importance of our living.
The tears I leave behind are just these warm cupfuls of emotion, and let them make stained beauty across my face, wear them like proud war bandages of making it through the harsh journey of the decision to keep going, to not allow myself a rainbow that has no ending, no pot of gold. Sometimes in some ways people lose the battle with choosing themselves to be pASS the circumstance or the event. No judgement when the choice is to fly beyond staying… but I must stay, must be a victor in the games of choice. The beautiful in choosing me even when its unpopular. To be selfish is to not think of others… yet my days are spent tirelessly feeling the uncontrollable urge to be something to someone to be kind to hear a story…. Yet it all serves the purpose of how it warms my skin to see a smile, to hear a thank you from the right set of lips. Is winning the battle with how we get through the pain, the hard days of living…. being kind gets me to that point of wanting to choose me, If I choose me, If I love me enough then loving those around me makes it all worth while… sometimes you have to choose yourself beyond some one else leaving them hurt or alone…. and I fear that alone is the thing that kills people, kills their belief and their faith.. then it becomes an understanding of spirituality… how God never leaves us alone and then the thoughts become disconnected loose infatuations of my extended stream of conscious and I am comforted in the closing of my eyes in the drop of my serotonin levels and the steady stream of tears that fall around my face. I am once again me, human and feeling and breaking through the moments that wash away the legitimacy in my thoughts and in my beliefs. I wish that people who lose the battle with sadness had ways to move beyond that pain, Had the quirks that snap and ignite that rebuild the branches that have broken off, instead of being limp and steady to just grow strong another day to climb to become again the ability to lift worry and last nights mistakes from the ground…… I wish more people saw opportunity and beauty in their pain….