So I have began to fall back on the inhale and exhale of the nicotine silent killer… The new commercial featuring the removal of teeth plays in my head… And then I realized… The more time I talk on the phone… The more the drags extend themselves…. The more I talk on the phone the more the desire to suspend my lungs at death expectancy sooner calls to me…. So I amended behaviors… Indoors, movies, a book something else and now my pack a day I had stepped up yo has been reduced to the impressive number of a pack per five days… The glee in my heArt is profound… Screw you nicotine… I will kick you yet. A girl is human dome days are harder then others…. But I’m making strides.. Oh cigs… We gotta break up… I just don’t want this type of love in my life… You stink… And well u just don’t do the things you use to do.. I mean.. You don’t Dorothea my tattered thoughts… You make me see toothless men, you remind me of dirty days and broken highways…. In the height of morning we may meet… Or after a delicious meal… But doing the meals will be less and then you will be a distant memory… I really just font think I want you anymore!!!
Monthly Archives: August 2014
It’s there in the me of my moments when I look into the black of dark nights. So many cower from the stillness of being alone but I let the blanket of it comfort me in pained seconds that can migrate into hours of lost. Pain has its way of creeping into the crevices of what should have been fleeting. Can wrap it’s self in the window of what you see, how you perceive, how we move into the next importance of our living.
The tears I leave behind are just these warm cupfuls of emotion, and let them make stained beauty across my face, wear them like proud war bandages of making it through the harsh journey of the decision to keep going, to not allow myself a rainbow that has no ending, no pot of gold. Sometimes in some ways people lose the battle with choosing themselves to be pASS the circumstance or the event. No judgement when the choice is to fly beyond staying… but I must stay, must be a victor in the games of choice. The beautiful in choosing me even when its unpopular. To be selfish is to not think of others… yet my days are spent tirelessly feeling the uncontrollable urge to be something to someone to be kind to hear a story…. Yet it all serves the purpose of how it warms my skin to see a smile, to hear a thank you from the right set of lips. Is winning the battle with how we get through the pain, the hard days of living…. being kind gets me to that point of wanting to choose me, If I choose me, If I love me enough then loving those around me makes it all worth while… sometimes you have to choose yourself beyond some one else leaving them hurt or alone…. and I fear that alone is the thing that kills people, kills their belief and their faith.. then it becomes an understanding of spirituality… how God never leaves us alone and then the thoughts become disconnected loose infatuations of my extended stream of conscious and I am comforted in the closing of my eyes in the drop of my serotonin levels and the steady stream of tears that fall around my face. I am once again me, human and feeling and breaking through the moments that wash away the legitimacy in my thoughts and in my beliefs. I wish that people who lose the battle with sadness had ways to move beyond that pain, Had the quirks that snap and ignite that rebuild the branches that have broken off, instead of being limp and steady to just grow strong another day to climb to become again the ability to lift worry and last nights mistakes from the ground…… I wish more people saw opportunity and beauty in their pain….
I keep trying to grind a way to forgive the new things I hear of people using my truth against me. It hurts in a place that fuels an anger within me. A new tempest creating waves of distance between change and moving on. When life dhows you the storm you have choices.. Choices to choose tight over wrong. Yo choose better over the worse alternative. I want yo be the woman that I have worked so hard yo become. How do you accept the flaws of others when they exploit yours for the privilege of saying that they are better than you. I don’t seek to be better than others. I seek yo be better than what I myself was. I have made mistakes, I have fine the best yo be accountable for those mistakes and learn from those mistakes. When you put in the work I suppose you see things in a different way. I have had someone I love do there best to make me spear like a liar and a Perron who has been misleading and hurtful. A person who I have worked yo rebuild either and now this disfavor f them has made me question who they are. I know tht I can’t change them.. I know I can’t make them see how much they have hurt me. I feel out of control and I feel sad. In the current of the waves that continue to toll in from sea of emotion I don’t have the necessary tools needed to keep the tide from rolling in. I font have the fortune of being able to float into the darkness… I have no energy yo face the depths of their own feelings. Right now all I have is me and my own. I’m angry and I wan to not be. I want to yell stop, want to find my power in the night, to speak my truth yet in reality the truth is finite and obvious. And the only problem that really exist is that they are situation I need to extract myself from at this point but my desire to be loved and accepted by them is yo strong so I have allowed myself yo pulled into the wave of their need to be the part of the universe that matters. I love you but I love me more… So for now I must stay on my side… When I face it…. The only solution is yo just let it go… Georgie myself for being so effected shed my tears and leave it there… I did everything I said I fid.. If u font believe that then to bad but I Jo longer care what you think.. I don’t make you a sum of any of your mistakes and you can leave me in mine without your input… Let me go and live my life… Right now I choose me.. Tight now I choose the quiet of my own thoughts, the consequences of my choices and my circumstances. What I wasn’t is true serenity… I don’t need yo make a show of what and how I’m doing.. I’m doing the best I can.. I’m smiling… I’m working through it.. I holding on yo my strength. I’m praying.. I’m giving it to God… Just like I’m giving you yo God. Cancer, rumors, insurance, life , my desired, my needs, my mother, my family, my people, my heart, my ability yo keep going despite how I actually do it… Is what I can do right now… I keep my distance from your input now not because I don’t care or need it but because I need yo rely on who I smoke… Allowing to much access to me, leaves me in a state if vulnerability that has left me unable o access my greatest power.. My testimony and my experience… I choose to face the truth of who you really are with this.. To accept myself is to accept ell those I encounter…