Monthly Archives: July 2014

The Spirits in a Bottle

Alcohol, liquor, spirits, drinking is a truth serum. Suddenly things your mind wouldn’t so free release bubbles at the tips of tongue. Liquid courage I have heard it called it called. The emotions kept at bay stifled behind pain, hidden with words unspoken.
As the sips become gulps all burning away that wall to emotions laced in resentment I watch you become another person. It hurts to know what I already did. I close my eyes and I seek God to protect me from the attacks of days gone, of mistakes once again you revisit. My tears become the forgiveness I fight daily to maintain but it hurts… it buries what I want to build. Want to snatch the drink from your hands, want to take your words… dilute them with love blend them with sweet coffee beans add sugar… have them settle into your belly warm you so you can really digest a truth of the present and I have done many things, yet at this point change became my intoxicant, my drink. My hit.
I had to and n i w here I am another day… another drunk tirade of faithless abandon and words that scare me to my core. The truth is cold pushing me to the land of the lepers. A sickness has become the door that opens to find myself the victim of your selflessness. The more glasses you feel the more you vomit these moments that have caused me these crippling experiences…. bring me back to days… I work daily to never repeat. Change is hard. I want to wrap my arms around myself. But I won’t, instead I say in the tone I can best muster, edge it’s ring. Don’t talk to me like that. I don’t deserve that… then a bomb hits my ocean. An massive waves draws sobs from the part f me only God can touch and I met honesty pour from my list. Its not for me… I have o worry. I’m scared but God has me… you, have said,,, it’s all because your  sick that changes me helping. That buries me….. I feel the sand block as airways. No way to UN hear a love un requited. A mothers love, the live that shaped me.. tears pour over cheeks and acceptance settles behind now dim eyes. From here where do I go

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July 20, 2014 · 11:08 am

Dream You

I see you as eyelids touch full cheeks, your face pecan Browning e it against flawless skin, a man of African American lineage made just for me, the tattooed story of your experience hidden by shirts by day, exposed in the dark night to my finger tips, a voice of cool resolve and baritone enticing and assured. Educated by books convicted by experience. A heart large ready to. embrace the passion of the love I have within, no judgment in soulful brown eyes. Your imperfections beautiful. In love with God, you believe in the spirituality of living, the goal of a human soul. Can lead with love, can disagree with grace and emotional honesty, vulnerability doesn’t frighten you, trust leads the line of the things that binds a man to his half. A team is how you approach marriage, ambitious, yet still willing to touch new ground. Fear is nothing more than acknowledging that faith is needed. The mistakes of my past just parts of who I become, total acceptance in those sexy eyes. I dream you real, I dream you of my wants. You hold me in a bed made for two where there are no boundaries on the things we share. Our connection intercepts pain, trust blankets US, protecting us from the devils seeds of jealousy and fearful mistrust. Nothing plant in our garden as we plant beauty of the fruit of spirit, the chains of live that link us to blessing… starting with kindness, then patience, the fore sight of forgiveness, honesty. Our bodies live in the touch of hands, sharing emotion through the elements of attraction. A life of sharing, a life of Ssupport. You back ideas  that further my professional goals, read my words, watch me dance, I sit while you work, cheer you on, celebrating each goal you surpass. You fears are whispered in our sanctuary and my bosom lays for you to rebuild your strength. I pick up where you leave off. I offer my body for you to crawl into when the world seeks to threaten what you have built. I am your shelter. In our home you Are the king. Your kingdom your greatest accomplishment. I dream you with an identity. A life with true characters, supporting and leading. I dream you of all the things a man for me would fit perfectly… accepting. Kind, sexy, humble, creative, loyal, passionate, accomplished , able to help me reach the goals I have for me, the writing, the degree, the desire to touch lived, take care of family, enjoy friends, be in love like living is breathing each moment slowly…. I dream you in the vision I see. I dream with purpose. I dream you!

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Filed under a rant of love, change, desire, Emotion, evolution, growth, life, love, relationships, The L Word, The Me Files

Awoken by Your Memory

Sleep finally shuts my eyes, the dreamy sensation of life touches my eyes, when I wake the night deep in daily secret memorizing movement. I am deep in thought. A smile sweet on my lips. Pandora beating through headphones song after song our songs.  Each a memory of the days we spent talking, days we spent learning each other, even hurtful moments that lead us to this, not speaking, not thinking of each other yet I still smile. Have spoken to your origin to your gift to the world but not you. The man who I dream if no longer you, now my mind fictionalized version of the type cb of lover I want to experience. He has a face a name casually drained from a desire of you, yet his qualities all a designed of all what you were to my life. How you ignited so much in my heart. So much in my mind. The love we share is thriving. We didn’t survive it in the form of relationships but we were up rooted from the thoughts of extinction. The dirt you say I pit on you is the lifetime we will end. I know you think of me, even now when I desperately want the phone to ring and it doesn’t. Even when I learn the effects of the illness that you looked on in the beginning telling me my limp was wrong, watching with care and concern to have me do nothing… it was you with a close appraisal of my well being angry octaves in your tone sat me an emergency room. Icy out call you will learn of what has come to be…. but  call rings through, no words from the man who thought ne to see myself through the eyes of worthy. Want to see you know. Want to hear the words of your wisdom. We saw storms in superficial haze of drugged euphoria….. I left those things behind in pursuit of a life you knew I could have. Even imperfect your flaws, your character moved me… our we is defining. Even in my dreams of live with. My ideal man you dwell as the first line of understanding of the kind if woman I am. I need you now. Not to touch the shaded beauty if my sex, not to hold my body against yours but to voice my fears, to do the thing we do, let our hearts release the rain, step IRS storm into the sea of our acceptance complete and UN restricted. In the world you have become a milk carton memory. Removed from family And friends… old live, dear friend my heart searches it’s terrain to send you the message of want, desire for you. Always have known the way your heart beats. I know the curve of your power,  and it’s time to walks. New road…. your welcome here with me, no intent beyond understanding, something God given… prayers leave my lips for you to find your way home!

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Filed under a rant of love, desire, Emotion, growth, Inspiration, life, love

Today for Choosing

Choices are made for definitive reasoning…. Make your choices with, I live with the intent of positive and feel the vibrations of greatness. This day has defined life for me in a new meaning, in a new space. I embrace it, I will it to change me into the person God has destined me to be. I see the power in life, the design of love, the importance of forgiveness   I look to the love I have been given today and I give it to faith, thankful for these moment before my life is altered forever. i feel your strength in my breath. I feel your unconditional love in my heartbeat, I feel your presence in my family. I feel your mercy in my ability to change. I feel you GOD. I have no fear in the eye of this storm, you have awakened me, with the introduction to this new beginning i give it to you. I am ready. I smile moving into the grief of life for I can make mine a meaning, a belief, a truth.

I live today for tomorrow, each choice, each moment, each understanding….

TO MY FRIENDS… WHEN I WAKE UP, COME TO ME, MEND MY WOUNDS WITH THE LOVE THAT ALLOWED ME TO LIVE… i DON’T REGRET MY LIFE

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July 11, 2014 · 6:58 am

The life of dealing

How I deal with pain
Is as simple as accepting what’s there….
Life is not fair
Never thought it would be
I just do me
No normality in my stance
A strange duality my brand
I write
I love
I pray to God….. he keeps me above
Submitting to negativity
I hold my friend’s hand
I listen
I speak
I left behind choices of destruction
Building a new infrastructure
The faction is here
I been queer
Don’t live in fear
Take it by faith, hold my on weight
My intuition to my choices led by instincts
Seek to love like God.. .through turmoil and struggle
Believe in treating others as I wish to be treated myself
Keep my bullshit on a shelf
Say what I feel as well as mean
Evaluating the scene
Before I redeem any points to be earned
I apply the lessons I learned
I deal with my version of real
I deal with the emotional side of things
My heart brings a song
And for so long I denied my intrinsic musicality
Those days are gone
The time is now
My moment to wow the world
To be the woman God intends for me
Gotten me this far
I know he won’t leave me today
Another life game that’s must be play
The things I say they have power
Be kind,be humble
Be honest in truth
Take the lessons and apply them when they are most needed
In the past that way has succeeded
In the route to right
So here I am tonight on how I deal…
By being true to what  I feel

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Filed under a rant of love, change, Emotion, life, pain, personal understanding, writing

The bond of Sisters….

Living in today never seems important when everything is okay but when things take a turn things are put into perspective….No day is lasting. So fleeting time truly is… there is not Enough to hold on to a grudge, to live in a fight or mistake… the bond that I have began to create with my big sister helps me to keep me grounded…. she has been sick for a long time and I worried but let life get in the way. Its never to late to start again. Kiki you really impress me… you are the reason that I know that love and strength can give you the power to move mountains… I may be late…. but I’m on time to making a life that includes the bond of sisters that I have always wanted.. I know how you feel about our other one… these days I see so clearly why…. yet it’s not over yet… we have just begun…. thank you for all that you do. All our daily convos…. for your strength and words of advice…. we are in this together… the oldest and the baby. The big sister you are shows why you came first…. your helping to make a dream come true… you glitter bright like shiny diamonds. From me to you….. God has a plan for all that you have survived…. we thriving. It’s trying, its draining. And so many things that can defeat your perception yet u still shine so bright… you rock my world, teach me that we are made of the gangsta that claims block so hot they are destined to change the game. He will reveal it to you soon why you will touch lives beyond what the eye can see… we got this…. rebuilding the bridges to love power and courage. So here it is… on these corners of life’s troubled waters, illness and worry, familial negativity, painful admissions and daily gripes we hold our weapons, loaded, locked ready to protect our hopes and dreams, the things we believe in… just what drives us….these situations are just part of the road to the testimony we will share. Another day, another chance. No need to fear what faith has already been given to protect. I love you
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When the Tears Arrive

Bind my heart

release the pain

this is the rain

ive gained the belief if belief

no relief 

in these answers

yet knowing leaves a heart empowered

wont let this take it away

that faith that seperates me

from those that cower in the tumult of trouble

wont find me in the rumble

i know a God has me cradled in arms that defeat the largest of waves wishing to submerge me

im free from the negative

 

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