Talked to my lo today and she got me thinking…. how many people stop asking for what they want? Stop believing they have the right. How many tears do they shuffle away outbid shame of being vulnerable… how many times do we stop living to be a suitable version of someone we want people to see but not who we are.
Monthly Archives: June 2014
When you look at your own habits like an old dirty sock… It’s probrobaly time to stop. My nose snares and my chest hurts. Head aches begin to overwhelm me. I’m getting irritated with myself. Looking at the pack I feel the cancer tempting me with death. Head wagging to the side.. Dry mouth… Gross. A month ago my favorite two year old grabs my purse heads to the door and says.. Going to smoke. I’m embarrassed,sad and I feel like death is just outside. Oh the power of the damn crack head tar that is draining my wallet and attacking my pride. Want to yell fucking bitch heave the pack but instead the lighter spikes a flame appears and I am inhaling. I don’t even like this… If it was weed I would allow a slow smile grace chapped lips roll my head back and inhale. With a looming brain tumor sure a little toke will be acceptable… But mot this long Newport death. There are two more in the pack and the money is gone… What will I do.. Twerk my walker toting ass to the floor for a drag to hell by way of toxins that can’t be mixing well with the steroids I injest every six. Hours. I welcome the cavalier sneers, please oh please leave me ashamed, leave my soul tortured because of all the things I have done wrong in my life… Right now these crack like abhorrent tendents are crippling me. I hAte u Newport. IM ON MY KNEES IN PRAYER… god deliver me from this. I know the power is yours… It’s taking me down. My Peyton will never smoke.. Her arms wrapped around me vine to skin… Thousand kisses
Planted on ever place she can find warm me… Give me these moments… Reminders that this last one in this fucking pack can take her from me… Course my skin to black pimpled ugly. Something as beautiful as me.. Don’t need a dam crack cig report
I have a brain tumor… it doesn’t feel like an end… it feels like an opportunity… a time to make changes to be better, tears evade me…. negativity seems obsolete… a waist of thought…. I feel anger toward nagging and over indulgent petulance… I wonder what God wants me to do….. in all my time…. I have never felt so much love and support yet I yearn to make the days of others brighter…. I don’t know much but I know there is power in faith in belief in surrendering to getting on with making life something I can create beauty with. I have a sister who I know needs this heart… I just hope she see s that when days aren’t promised u have few options… choose to be a smile…..
“We are going to drill a hole” with those words I left behind misconceptions, decided that faith has to be the leading thought. I can’t live in the fear that grips the heart of a person and I won’t. I will be this woman that I have grown to be. As I look back at all the days I have cried. All the days that I have let fear lead me.. I find myself evolved in the face of death and I feel pride. So proud of myself. In these days I have felt so much love and support… this is something that I have prayed for. to be closer to my family. To cultivate the type of relationships that last beyond death. When you have lived the kind of life I have, your course of purpose will be in others minds, tainted, sometime thwarted with mingles of bad choices, or executed decisions that are not in your best interest. So while I have sat here in The world renowned… UCLA Medical Center… family, old friends and doctors… all looking to me for my next play… I don’t have anything to say but bring it on course has been drawn. Fear is not an option, direction, drive and making the best is the hour of power.