The Prison of Silence

I have forgotten where to go to be complacent…Maybe this is the real bottom of fear, right here in this place. my thoughts have become my enemies… I am afraid and the face I see, the anecdote to leave behind this fear is so far away from here from where I lay. Wish I could believe in things that lets me amend my illness of love. When I have so little to remember of being happy but I do remember the talks, the long walks…now I need that part of us. I need that part of us to find the part of me built for surviving… never really been here before, alone and afraid… They will tell me I am not alone, they will tell me they are here for me, yet where were they when my tears seem to drown me, when each time I felt anything it was an inhale of cloudy smoke. They were somewhere judging me, they were somewhere accepting my absence, and if I am dying, if this is something that can’t be fixed.. then what I always thought was right I wouldn’t live so many years. Maybe its why I have thought of you, why the only love I have truly ever felt is now what bubbles up in my chest, your face is so vivid, I hear it…. the words you would say yet it’s not enough, I have to hear the resonance of your voice, the conviction of your faith, I know to pray for your voice, your comfort seems ridiculous, when I should be praying for the best outcome too impossible normality. What if hasn’t really become my mental vibrations, instead I keep going back to how I have gotten here. I haven’t done anything, but have done everything…. I am wondering if you are close enough to just hug me once more, that’s when I realize that my regret will be never loving, no never being loved.. really truly completely being loved by a person who understands me, who holds my hand, who will comfort me with intimacy when the appointments become my life. If I told them that I know its not going to be okay they would want to tell me to have faith to think positive… what if I had to say.. God has shown me more mercy then you can know, this is merciful, these days left behind, these moments that I learned the lessons that will gain me entrance to heaven. I may not have made each decision in ways that brought me the comfort of life, but I did learn how to be a person that God will be proud of… You would understand this, you would know that my thoughts weren’t the rantings of some crazed addict, you would know more than they do about how to keep the tears from falling. Mostly you would know how to unlock the gate. Right now there are parts of me in the prison of my inability to let go, to cry, to feel anything. What if I don’t have anymore chances, what if I don’t get to be loved like I loved you… Even just the belief that maybe my phone will ring, I have opened the locked gate, but I must close it again, I must keep most of it away.. If not I might let go of my faith and live in fear, and the dear part of my departing will be lost in negativity and I told you so.’s. Worked to hard to be this person to lose that in the final breaths I may have left. Nothing left behind, and honestly nothing much to miss…. All I want is some part of love to be here with me…. is it wrong that they say they love me but I don’t really feel it, they cry, they say these things and I all I feel is alone…. won’t let the tears fall…..won’t let them see… me and how afraid I really am… not getting the chance… to see you again or be loved or being just this before its all done.

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