Monthly Archives: May 2014

The Prison of Silence

I have forgotten where to go to be complacent…Maybe this is the real bottom of fear, right here in this place. my thoughts have become my enemies… I am afraid and the face I see, the anecdote to leave behind this fear is so far away from here from where I lay. Wish I could believe in things that lets me amend my illness of love. When I have so little to remember of being happy but I do remember the talks, the long walks…now I need that part of us. I need that part of us to find the part of me built for surviving… never really been here before, alone and afraid… They will tell me I am not alone, they will tell me they are here for me, yet where were they when my tears seem to drown me, when each time I felt anything it was an inhale of cloudy smoke. They were somewhere judging me, they were somewhere accepting my absence, and if I am dying, if this is something that can’t be fixed.. then what I always thought was right I wouldn’t live so many years. Maybe its why I have thought of you, why the only love I have truly ever felt is now what bubbles up in my chest, your face is so vivid, I hear it…. the words you would say yet it’s not enough, I have to hear the resonance of your voice, the conviction of your faith, I know to pray for your voice, your comfort seems ridiculous, when I should be praying for the best outcome too impossible normality. What if hasn’t really become my mental vibrations, instead I keep going back to how I have gotten here. I haven’t done anything, but have done everything…. I am wondering if you are close enough to just hug me once more, that’s when I realize that my regret will be never loving, no never being loved.. really truly completely being loved by a person who understands me, who holds my hand, who will comfort me with intimacy when the appointments become my life. If I told them that I know its not going to be okay they would want to tell me to have faith to think positive… what if I had to say.. God has shown me more mercy then you can know, this is merciful, these days left behind, these moments that I learned the lessons that will gain me entrance to heaven. I may not have made each decision in ways that brought me the comfort of life, but I did learn how to be a person that God will be proud of… You would understand this, you would know that my thoughts weren’t the rantings of some crazed addict, you would know more than they do about how to keep the tears from falling. Mostly you would know how to unlock the gate. Right now there are parts of me in the prison of my inability to let go, to cry, to feel anything. What if I don’t have anymore chances, what if I don’t get to be loved like I loved you… Even just the belief that maybe my phone will ring, I have opened the locked gate, but I must close it again, I must keep most of it away.. If not I might let go of my faith and live in fear, and the dear part of my departing will be lost in negativity and I told you so.’s. Worked to hard to be this person to lose that in the final breaths I may have left. Nothing left behind, and honestly nothing much to miss…. All I want is some part of love to be here with me…. is it wrong that they say they love me but I don’t really feel it, they cry, they say these things and I all I feel is alone…. won’t let the tears fall…..won’t let them see… me and how afraid I really am… not getting the chance… to see you again or be loved or being just this before its all done.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Happy Birthday to my Chocolate Charmony

When you first arrived, still a little person myself
All I really wanted was to play with you and put you on shelf
But on my heels you always were there
Yet after a few tender moments I had to lay it bare…
You may be my niece.. but we grew up like sisters
My love for you goes so much deeper
than I could ever share
With words, or even actions
You have grown into a women I admire
Kind, intelligent, ambtious and loyal
So beautiful, I’m sure so many mistake you for the African Royals
I miss our smoke outs, food binges and bad girls commentary
But I will always be just a phone call away
no matter how many months, years or may just a day
I will always love that little chocolate bunny who took big bites out of tomotoes
Just to put it back
So many times we forget the beauty of family
But you are the reason I learned to forgive
You are the reason I never felt alone
You are the reason I still dance
Just for the party in the car
The woman you are, is far
From what I would have ever expected
To have a beauty that truly runs from the deeps of your core
So much like our granny, kind and able to hold us down
No matter how far I will run… its your smile that will bring me back to town
To another year, happy birthday my beautiful niece just four years my junior
More like the little sister I never had to want because I had you.
May we be able to resolidify our bond in the months ahead….
I love you more than a fat kid loves cake…my beautiful and oldest niece Charmony…

Happy Birthday gorgeous

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Beyond a Day for Mothers.. For a Lifetime of Love Garlina Lewis.. This Girls Mom

It’s a rapture of honesty of pain
A rainbow of forgiveness and peace
Each loss and each gain
A tireless road of life, each day another consequence
Your strength beget my own
You set the tone of survival
This is my revival of love for you
No mistake to great, no argument to powerful to take away the beauty in all the things you did and do
A mother is a girls way of understanding what can’t be earned
The most precious gift you have given were in the lesson learned
The one’s I might not have survived
I promise…. I still have time and before you go.. you will be able to know I have thrived
The trials of the trail I have chosen
Has not left me defeated, it has planted the seeds of true love and forgivness within me
It’s the beating of my heart
So trust that with it, bonded by the strength you have given great is all there is left to be
It’s an art….
To be what you are… to embrace your good and your bad
To live beyond what can be had
You have played a monumental part
You are the serenade in an upbeat sing along song
Never a cacaphony of what one would hope someone to be
You were a mother tailor made for what I need
A flower blossomed from a seed
Planted to love the love in a love story
To see beyond the day
to survive the thunder storms
To laugh when the joke has ended
To become the girl that believed in all that you are
We have come so far my dear dear mother
I love your sense of style alive and flamboyaunt
I admire your tenancity
I wish to have your greater than most youthful spirit
You struggled but fought your way out with a grit
that enables you, an enduring ferocity of life
You have been a daughter, mother, grandmother, teacher, humanitarian, fighter and wife
Most importantly you have been the person who taught me to never judge, to never stop trying, to embrace who I am
Regardless of what others say or do…
Beyond a day for mothers.. I choose to celebrate the fact that I have the most fearless of mothers, who at the brink of her golden years still shows me things about me given by her… that I love so much… just as much as I love you..
Happy Mothers day…….

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Too much

Another person telling me I feel to much and maybe your right, maybe the insane notion of honest true emotion is to much but when you said you have gift I shifted into belief settled in the embrace of understanding. We haven’t set eyes on each other but I gave you this vulnerability right when you said you could embrace it. I’m tired of misinterpreted versions of me floating the skies, wings flapping willing soaring above reaching out to me. Tired of chasing induced euphoria so I can be alone in the war. No fight to move on to disillusionment, no more veiled realities… this is the real, the unscripted reality that I must embrace. I owe you dream man an apology… so many apologies for misunderstandings that ignite within to be extinguished in production. I let the fear of another exit ruin the introduction to something verified and applied. I could have loved you, you with a creative hum Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Before We Touch

Insane understanding
Belligerent emotion
This notion
Of normality
Is not the current reality
I inhale your scent
Yet we haven’t met
The sensation of skin to skin
No sin in our hearts
A want to move beyond this part
The fear so evident
You are heaven sent
So unsure of previously laid plans
Since the arrival of your presence
Do I have the courage
This risk demands
Dream of holding hands
Of soaring beyond what’s real
You evoke more of my beauty
Push my thoughts to heal
Those wounds the fear of being great
Want to hate you for seeing beyond my mirage
Already it’s exactly what I can’t do
Goose pimples cover me
You ignite the woman
I want to be
A hidden sanctuary in arms
I have yet to feel
Want to wheel and deal
Contemplate the gamble
Go all in
Somehow, together I know we will win
The desires I have given away
Are back to play
Dressed like possibility
No negativity
It was long ago, in an out of rain
I left those dreams slain
Beneath the discouraging mistakes made
A price for pain I foolishly paid
Now you see me cloaked in flaws
Superficially yet ironically so pure.. You believe I can still soar
Tell me God calls
Time to risk the glares of a past
Its gone,
My last date with impossible
I can be the responsible girl, now womanly
Write my way to success
You say it’s a gift
Can be a blessing
Can fly in my creativity
Is this reality
This insanity
If  you touch all of me before we even meet
How will I be able to deny you
How will I run from this
Always wanted to be the differential geometry
In a world of basic mathematical ideals
Wanted to defy gravity
Float above the mean
The probability of winning
It Detest me
Want to be exceptional
Like what we share
Raw and inexplicable
Even before we touch

Leave a comment

Filed under a rant of love, Emotion, love, meaning, men, motivation