That time of year again.. when the sweet, needed yet false sincerity of Christmas has passed and the only thing waiting other than more snow on the east… the approach of Santa Ana’s here on the west is a year ending, a new annual beggining. We begin to reflect on the year that so fast has become the past. The present is trapped between the expectations made last year this time, the dissatisfaction with decisions that earned stagnant progress of resolutions resolved to be resolute. It’s that time of year when lonely has it’s own heartbeat…. creates the idea that the voice your hearing may not be your own.. is that insanity. Have I become the Tara of United fates of states of mind. Am I blind? All I see in the mirror is me… doesn’t look like what I thought she would by now, doesn’t have as much hair as i thought he would at this age, yet the only thing I see is me.. SO who is taunting me, creating a new different in my heart. The different that makes the heart hurt so much it feels like it’s stopped beating. This time of year can cure the harshness around the mouth of a wealthy man and give him philothropic thoughts. Maybe I will buy proverty, give earth food of the land that was meant to be free. Or maybe.. I will call my children, not their fought they didn’t want to be… what I thought they should be…I’m tired of just me… Didn’t survive all those years of marriage, all those nights given to work, producing green colored , broken down, stamped, labeled, and then counted trees instead of recieving hugs from these new entities made of me. Made of moments with a past that didn’t survive me. I wish they would have had better than me. Maybe we could have been a “we”.
It’s that time of year that reflection is in the air. Children’s choice of naughty vs nice, adults choice of buy now, or just save. The thought crosses their mind. It doesn’t matter if that child disbehave, to not allow this Santa to arrive with that new technology , another damn wifi device thingy. he will cry and that will make me want to die.. So instead a woman with less money than some spoiled child with no understanding of sacrifice will give those last few rumbled dollars and exchange it for her child’s hope.
It’s the holidays! A time when the attitude of people begins to feel like what humanity was destined for.. Connection and community. You know… UNITY. As soon as it whispers goodbye a new year is upon us.. Party, kiss, and then alone we reflect. Did this year make a difference in who we are, who we have become individually… A new year… Some years weare so happy to dust off the many disappointments and challenges we embrace this day January 1st like it’s living beauty, so thankful that the day has come to put behind a year past, while others smile sweet sad sighs saying goodbye. This year those sweet sad sighs are dripping from my lips. This year was a good one, brought new life, new belief and most importantly forgiveness. On the journey home, I cried for old become a new blues… I had to retreat, face the truth, and return to crimes that defined opinions of me. Had to face the brutality of accountability/ I survived. Survived and have grown. Even have new philosphy and most of all.. as the clock struck the mid of night, bringing a new day to light… I realize it was the first year, that I felt free. Free of old pain, free of resentments. free of expecttions, free of bullshit. The 1st day of 2014 I let sweet memories of a man loved in the past awaken my thoughts as I read an email from his daughter who today turned another day older and her words touched me… and I remembered that every year holds defining parts of me.. Each year of the 32 alive with me being… has given me merit, trust of me.. 2014 is going to be the year of possibility. That;s the motto I take with me into another year God has given to me… Blessed by being a complete me. No true remarkable notes of mention other than this…. I BELIEVE I WILL BE MORE THAN OKAY.
Here is a bittersweet Hello to 2014.. Before me sets days that will once again come into review… this year I resolve to only do 2 things… Follow my heart boldly while I chase my dream… may be late but today says that it doesn’ty mean never. The second things is something I have already begun yet not as much as I have wanted to.. that thing is treat people kindly.. do my best to not let the moments that disappointment me to become tools of bad treatment to myself or any other.
I welcome you Melody and Mason to the world. May in my presence you see by example that love treats everything like your favorite toy, or thing.. You respect it, treat it well, put it back and hold it close.. so close letting go sounds like a foreign concept.