Monthly Archives: September 2013

My Final Scene..

You all broke my heart.
Tore me from my hope
Demolished the road paved to my dreams
Took the road of catered pain
Whether the rain
With the storms I could see
Instead of the serpents disguised

to look like love
Took the dark and unsure roads of risk
The ways of walking you taught
painted gold and shiny things were not the beautiful of rare gems
U glittered like gold
Just painted in acrylic with a dusted shine
Paying the fine
For crimes committed before my time
Deserted me, averted me
Perverted my sense of self
No love holds my heart
No jewels valued
She is my heart
Hot, wet
Something I can feel
I Know love, my true gift, nothing more than a valuable curse
Heart em blazed scattered among infinity
a universe crying it’s empathy
It’s pity died with mine.
It’s gone and so am I
Today we celebrate my last breath
In moments dedicated to righting my wrongs
The death of my love
I thought it would cling
Constant song of that ring
Of my need
To show you I care
Its to late
Kick me to the wolves.
Knock me down
Your suggested crown
Don’t symbolize “royal”
On your team
Never again
I am loyal
To me.. Giving all this love, all this good in my heart to God. Going to live the life that shadows the sun you burn in.. I choose the night where I can see what lurks before me.
Your blows left wounds that have pierced my purity.

Took away my trust..

Was already alone
Now I can stop pretending not to be..

Like roads don’t have two directions in which tread.

So sick,

diseased by love abused,

vacant and traumatized.

Lost life to fantasize for tree’s flowers and you welcoming me home.

life is bitter with lessons told.. And dreams sold

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September 28, 2013 · 5:56 am

The Final Kill: Goodbye to Showtime’s “Dexter”

dexter

 

 

As a writer I find myself immensed in novels knowing the ending, wrapped in television shows just to see the acting, and in love with movies because of the fact that hollywood even in the grittiest of drama’s are searching for the endings that life sometime can’t give. The fight for love, common good, and the good old fashion happy ending.

Over the yearsI have learned that the most powerful tv is built of characters that are flawed. Dexter was not my first pick for tv. The debut of Showtimes cult drama made its way during my years working for the cable company. I had to know the shows, I had to sell the channels, and it was not the show I was using. A big fan of “Weeds”, “Sex and the City”, and “The L Word” I didn’t think I would like it.. yet the 2nd season… I was hooked. I rooted for Dexter.. he was the serial killer that you loved.. He got the bad guys, the rapist… he was the blood drawing, knife donning, forensic nerd that got his hands dirty. They new not to left him don a shield.. The Police… we really don’t like the Police, and well who needs the red tape.  Season 3 John Lithgow came plummenting into the line up and I knew that he writers of this show weren’t just creative, they sadistic, big hearted, big drama type of creative engineers…  With Deb shouting “Fuck” every other line, Rita being the beard for a fake heroin addict… I truly under estimated the belief that tv could get any better… Wes Craven, Stephen King.. They have gotten nothing on the minds that created the count an mouse that was “Trinty and Dexter”.

It wasn’t just the writing it Michael C Hall himself… do you remember his roll in HBO’s SIX FEET UNDER.. the gay unloved brother… I didn’t know acting was a real actual talent until I saw this man transform… He was impeccable.. and somehow he was a kind, humble, and truly feeling Serial Killer. The Code has given you hope for even psychopaths. The season with Julia Stiles as the survivor of selfish, sick manic men, who raped and raped her, and killed all their other victims… showed that a man is a man built from his nurturing, and his nature.

The ability to see dexter form Friendships.. my favorite being with one of my favorite talents.. MOS DEF… my man.. literally in my dreams I would be his life… Mos Def as a man who had murdered yet found GOD.. gave Dexter spirituality.. The course of this character, the portrayal by Michael C Hall has given Acting, TV, and showtime something to be proud of. IN the later seasons as Dexter truly felt love within Hannah, a woman built from real life Deadly Women… gave us what we all wanted to see… Love ruled all… molding them, changing them, building a chemistry that began with death, tragedy.. but was cultivated in its lust, its deliberate imagery of choice.

Without you even seeing it… God shows you that if you believe… Even a man , who killed… could choose not divulge his desire…. Dexter choose not to Kill Hannah and she became apart of him. When he had to choose between family and love.. he chose family.  The year of the apocalypse one of my favorites.. we watch how Dexter wants to believe that his dark passenger isn’t truly a part of him.

I amazed looking back at the different moments that changed this character… learning about his true tragedy, his sacrifices and his pain. His mother was the reason he killed… watching his mother stabbed, ripped apart made him devoid of what we see as emotional connection. Yet we are wrong… acceptance allowed him to grow, to survive and ultimately revive him. His father stuck their as his conscience.. a conscience he seemed to eternally lacked was derived from  a trust. Truth, honesty, rightfulness… and ultimately love were the real artifacts of this show. He may have been a serial killer, making kill rooms of plastic, killing nemesis to save his own lifestyle, and then the kills of redemptions, of friendship, of wrong. Ultimately the show giving the choice to Deborah to save what she detested gave the writers the ability to show the vantage point, perspective of the corrupted, and altered mind. I will miss the truly dynamic understanding that even the kindest, most GOD FEARING SOUL can kill…

Why would you? Would it be to save a life, Or to selfishly maintain what you feel yours is worth?

It’s Hard to justify any killer, isn’t it?

Yet somehow SHOWTIME DID IT..

Congrats to the Stellar Cast of DEXTER… you were amazing…

Michael C Hall, Jennifer Carpenter, David Zayas, Desmond Harrington, James Renmar, Lauren Velez, Jimmy Smitz, Julie Benz, Collin Hanks, Edward James Almos.. and the many other fabulous actors.

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September 23, 2013 · 4:08 am

Let Go of Her, See Me

I am tired

Tired of living in each mistake

Tired of being the reason your eyes roll

Each day, another Risk  I take

to just be the forgiven

To just be seen

Does it make your heart flutter to be mean

to me, to make me see

how wrong I have been

how long ago

when

when will I no longer be a sum of each mistake I made

Will it be the day I have paid

paid it to the game

with my blood split

the ground opened for me all pretty

my body cold, my head at a perfect tilt

Is the day of my no longer the day I will

be given

the gift of being

forgiven

I was driven  in my pain

Promoted with each mistake

To “no good”, “damaged”, “broken”, “Sad tale of possibility lost”

Now that I have retired from the full-time life of  bad decisions

I want to be able to change careers,

face my fears

of responsibility

To arise to my potential

would mean monumental task of expected accountability

Can’t blame it on the alcohol, the party, the man-made euphoria

Have to arrive each time

So let me

Let go of what I did

and appraise what I do

Allow me to be the new

version of me you said was destiny

If I can survive the darkest forest of negativity

I most definitely can deal with living for the responsibility

Of my potential, talents, and gifts

My gears have taken a shift

Now why don’t you

Forgive me for not meeting your expectations

I might give you revelations

that far exceed what you thought I would be

How about you stop looking back

And look at me.

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September 10, 2013 · 1:00 am

It Isn’t Easy…

It’s not easy, not easy putting on a brave face, acting as if everything is okay. Feeling lost and unsure of the next moment, the next step. It’snot easy just having faith that everything will work out. On the outside looking in, the perceptions of their stares defeat. Living for each day, and living for there expectations. Caring what other people think, rebuilding bridges to understanding and trust is no easy job. You smile, you nodd, you try… and once again your like a child. Being an adult in transition, rebuilding, with nothing is not easy. You don’t want to show up, because you don’t want to explain. It is not easy being right here in this moment, in this place, with these eyes looking at each move made to see if it will be another mistake, another lit match that will once again end in flames.

It isn’t easy caring what people think, caring about tomorrow, and rebuilding. Oprah can talk to a thousand public figures with big bank accounts about the next moment, the next chapter, and I am not saying it’s easy for them, yet i know the non factor of money makes it a lot more simple to rebuild the bridges. You get moments to exhale, to breath, to not worry about the eyes watching. The expectations of those who have already beared the rath of your ill advised decisions, accidents and plain ole wrong doings, mistakes, whatever you want to call them.

         I wonder if they look at the eyes that search for clues of activities when away, the eyes they search for lies as responses, and see the sadness, the tired grind of living up to rebuilding. I wonder if they see how hard it is to believe that things will get better, when your best just isn’t what they hoped it be. 

It’s not easy changing. Each moment, Each hour, Each day is a task of believing in yourself, in believing that while they may say they support you, that the thoughts they have deep down are wrong.  If only I could close a door, lock it, and just be with me for a moment, to regain belief that it will indeed be okay, that this present is just that, another present that will be survived. 

It isn’t easy knowing what really happened. It isn’t easy knowing that the decision to change wasn’t because it was so bad but because you couldn’t act like you didn’t care anymore. It isn’t easy knowing the truth you never tell, the secrets you keep so you can make it to another day. 

It isn’t easy to say…. I did what you asked, I did what was right, I did as God told me to, yet I still seem to pay everyday for yesterday. It isn’t easy saying I did pray, I do pray, but I still seem to be here anyway.  It isn’t easy hiding the tears, forcing them down so I don’t hear it said again you just need to pull it together, and figure it out. It isn’t easy just sitting and never saying with loud piercing words… Yeah I know I need to get it together, and maybe you don’t like looking at me like this… but think about how it feels to live it.. ashamed, embarrassed, tired and beat down inside.

I do have faith that it will all be okay, but faith doesn’t soothe the burns of rejection, or stop the bleeding of lacerated failure.

Faith is the possibility of a better time tomorrow, if I just get through today.  I will fall to my knees and pray… God please forgive me for the sin of my fear that it won’t be okay. Please forgive me for looking around and just wanting to surrender this life. I will do all I can to not wrong my fellow man, but I am not so good at not wronging me. Im starting to see the reflection in their eyes, starting to believe what they see, that’s easier than being me.

I’m tired dear God, so sad, so weak. It isn’t easy changing.  Not sure what you want me to learn from this lesson, or where your plan for my life might lead. Will I be the example, the disciple, the mean, or the end?  I’m asking dear God for just a small glimpse, just something to give me that last bit of tenacity I need, so I don’t turn back and go to the old. I don’t want to fold. I want to play, dear God just show me the way. It’s all I need to make it look easy once again. Make it easy to smile, to finish this last green mile.

 

 

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