It’s not easy, not easy putting on a brave face, acting as if everything is okay. Feeling lost and unsure of the next moment, the next step. It’snot easy just having faith that everything will work out. On the outside looking in, the perceptions of their stares defeat. Living for each day, and living for there expectations. Caring what other people think, rebuilding bridges to understanding and trust is no easy job. You smile, you nodd, you try… and once again your like a child. Being an adult in transition, rebuilding, with nothing is not easy. You don’t want to show up, because you don’t want to explain. It is not easy being right here in this moment, in this place, with these eyes looking at each move made to see if it will be another mistake, another lit match that will once again end in flames.
It isn’t easy caring what people think, caring about tomorrow, and rebuilding. Oprah can talk to a thousand public figures with big bank accounts about the next moment, the next chapter, and I am not saying it’s easy for them, yet i know the non factor of money makes it a lot more simple to rebuild the bridges. You get moments to exhale, to breath, to not worry about the eyes watching. The expectations of those who have already beared the rath of your ill advised decisions, accidents and plain ole wrong doings, mistakes, whatever you want to call them.
I wonder if they look at the eyes that search for clues of activities when away, the eyes they search for lies as responses, and see the sadness, the tired grind of living up to rebuilding. I wonder if they see how hard it is to believe that things will get better, when your best just isn’t what they hoped it be.
It’s not easy changing. Each moment, Each hour, Each day is a task of believing in yourself, in believing that while they may say they support you, that the thoughts they have deep down are wrong. If only I could close a door, lock it, and just be with me for a moment, to regain belief that it will indeed be okay, that this present is just that, another present that will be survived.
It isn’t easy knowing what really happened. It isn’t easy knowing that the decision to change wasn’t because it was so bad but because you couldn’t act like you didn’t care anymore. It isn’t easy knowing the truth you never tell, the secrets you keep so you can make it to another day.
It isn’t easy to say…. I did what you asked, I did what was right, I did as God told me to, yet I still seem to pay everyday for yesterday. It isn’t easy saying I did pray, I do pray, but I still seem to be here anyway. It isn’t easy hiding the tears, forcing them down so I don’t hear it said again you just need to pull it together, and figure it out. It isn’t easy just sitting and never saying with loud piercing words… Yeah I know I need to get it together, and maybe you don’t like looking at me like this… but think about how it feels to live it.. ashamed, embarrassed, tired and beat down inside.
I do have faith that it will all be okay, but faith doesn’t soothe the burns of rejection, or stop the bleeding of lacerated failure.
Faith is the possibility of a better time tomorrow, if I just get through today. I will fall to my knees and pray… God please forgive me for the sin of my fear that it won’t be okay. Please forgive me for looking around and just wanting to surrender this life. I will do all I can to not wrong my fellow man, but I am not so good at not wronging me. Im starting to see the reflection in their eyes, starting to believe what they see, that’s easier than being me.
I’m tired dear God, so sad, so weak. It isn’t easy changing. Not sure what you want me to learn from this lesson, or where your plan for my life might lead. Will I be the example, the disciple, the mean, or the end? I’m asking dear God for just a small glimpse, just something to give me that last bit of tenacity I need, so I don’t turn back and go to the old. I don’t want to fold. I want to play, dear God just show me the way. It’s all I need to make it look easy once again. Make it easy to smile, to finish this last green mile.