Monthly Archives: June 2013

Sometimes I Want to Say “Bitch Please”

Sit the fuck down, ain’t nothing about you better than me

Except maybe the fact that you go around thinking the shit you do is worth something more 

than the praise you give yourself

Save a life

Remind someone how beautiful they are

These are things I find beautiful

the Steps inside promise that create change

the honest mementos of love 

that take the sour taste out life

Those that you share with strangers

those are rants that may escalate you to the likes

of better than

Instead of  what I see

Your candor of judgement

mimics of hurtful glances to enemies

and opportunities to belittle the people

struggling to make the end meet the chance

Just hoping for luck

when skill seems to be lacking in the execution

You laugh at the decay of physical kindness

Find the humor in the displayed lack of humility 

Your degree hanging from the wall inside the office

of your conformity

Does nothing for the truth 

that your children have become buillies of their

peers, play telephone with the fears

of their friends

these are your trophies

“Bitch Please”

call me nothing

remind me of my failures

and still hold on to the moronic belief

that the relief you feel is superiority

that by being in the upper level minority

of what society has labeled succesful

means prosperity

Prosperity lives in the breaths between laughs

in the understanding after falling

In the faith 

after lost

So Instead of wanting to say it I just will

Bitch please if you believe

that you are better than me

 

 

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Dear Me…. About Two Years Ago

It’s been just you and I for our entire life. From the moment of conception, in those weary days where the outside world beyond mom’s womb has not exactly made a concrete decision on  whether we were even yet a person or not, it has been us, or better yet I. We wouldn’t want the world to believe that I or better yet we are mentally unstable.You are my former self and I have separated us for the pure fact that I have extricated myself from you by experience and pain, by forgiveness and well, just plain old growth and evolution. I have evolved beyond the moments of tears for nothing, or getting high for escape. Instead I have chosen to embrace my mistakes, and forgive the moments that we have experienced that have caused me or us pain. I feel less pain today then I did when I was a complete replica of you and I want you to know that I forgive you as well. I forgive you for your mistakes, for your misguided attempts at living, and I applaud you for your candor and your risks in life. If their was no you, there would be no me. Sometimes I think of you and I create advice for the similar situations in which I experience, I know that you know the paths that I should have taken even when I forget. You are close to God, new in your faith and open to see the miracles in the daily life you lead, where I have fallen short of belief, faith and hope in the present. It’s why I wanted to write you and I hope you write me back, because I have come full circle to the moment that changed us. Right before the fist of our sister contacted with our flesh over something as menial as the dvr. We lived and we forgave her, and we tried to show the belief of forgiveness in our actions to be here, struggling after so many positive decisions. Yet we are judged by those who were around us with no true understanding of who we were and who we are. Telling stories of us being “cracked out” and laughing about it as though it was true.  We were much more willing to be honest with the them and our self, and in living a view more days, experiencing a few more things we have forgotten to believe in people, we have forgotten to not just forgive them their misgivings but forgive our self for wanting to still believe even when we should do so from afar. I have lost my ability to just keep looking on them with loving eyes and saying, it’s okay to be you, but you will not make me less because of who you are.  This letter to me, about two years ago wants to say I forgive you believing that the choices you made would not affect the person I am today whether the choices were good or bad. I miss you in so many ways, I miss our freedom, but I love my growth. For a long time what people thought meant something to us back then but you didn’t care what they thought, you loved, and lived and were just who you were at that moment and I am not going to lie, I miss that part of me, that freedom, that reflection of who you were to us, and I mean us because while they have the negative to say, they forget to talk about how you listened, how you forgave, how you learned through humility to be kind. They forgot that while you listened to them state their emotional standpoints you really never said much, you just smiled and wrote it all down, Those who have remained have seen the growth and know who you are, those who have left you behind have lost the opportunity to know me. The people who got me through those days have had that same opportunity to meet the knew you and you are  much stronger now, you have transformed into me, You may not know anymore what to do with the daily, but you know how to treat a person. You would be proud of some our changes, and others would make you sad because you liked your bad but if we don’t talk sometimes,I might forget that how people see you matters, it just doesn’t mean the world. That opinion is God’s alone and let’s be frank,he loves you, he loves me and well he always knew.

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To See The Wiz

the wizWhoever says that Art doesn’t matter, that music, television and the many facets of entertainment don’t add to the culture of life, those opinions are from the unfeeling, from the unmovable.   Today I had a heavy heart, my thoughts were of my feelings of non belonging, and a lack of a feeling of peace and home. I tried song after song to lift the heaviness from my heart, but none did the job, I wrote line after line, of poetic prose, to just feel lonely and lost. Then the words of Home, from the musical “The Wiz” crept into my mind and I realized that those were the feelings I was having. I may not have ended up in OZ, but I might as well have. I don’t have the designer shoes to click but I am on a journey.

Before I knew it, I was visiting Netflix and entering the title, and before the opening credits had concluded I was had already began to feel the tension in my neck subside. I sang along with tune after tune.

Each song seemed to touch a place of understanding in me, “You can’t win..” , opened my eyes and before long, I was easing on down the road. I could feel myself remembering with each verse, that the only way to make it out on the other end of this journey triumph is to do what the words were telling me to do. “Don’t you carry nothing that may be a load.”

The past regret, the lost battles have been daily stacking on top of each other leaving me beneath the rubble of my ill gotten attempts at change.

I listen to those around me tell me to put my feelings in check, and I rebuke their attempts to drain me of my passion, my emotional tie to the world. It sets me apart, what if I was like the tin man, allowing myself to become rusty beneath the days past, what if I don’t feel the tug at my heart of today, it will leave me stale, and arrogant, as if bad days don’t come. My strength is not just in my tenacity but in the understanding that being a survivor is living.

The scarecrow, reminded me that no day is full of complete knowledge, each moment, each experience is for me to learn and evolve.  If I listen to those crows tell me that I can’t win, that I have to give up on my own ideals and belief, I will never make it back home, to my feeling of serenity and peace, because home is nothing more than a feeling of belonging, and support and love. On this yellow brick road, I’m on a journey to make it home, to retrieve my courage to be myself.

That lion, he touched me the most because I may appear strong, and full of the right words, and ideas, but I fear my desire to be loved and accepted, and I have lost my courage to yet again get up. It feels like I can’t win, like I can’t make it back this time, yet I still possess, my heart, my courage, my brain, and my belief. When the road is hard to travel, when the days seem full of obstacle after obstacle, we forget that the Wiz, is always there… I just have to kneel and humble my self and pray. I have to find my inspiration, find my faith in the reminders that I am not the first to stumble, and fall… but I have all that I need to get back up again.

The Oz I reside is full of familiar faces without unfamiliarity of who I am … but that’s okay because even when the setting changes, I am still the same woman I was when things were bright and full of promise, and this is still promise, another chance to build a heart of character knowledge. The empathy I will possess, the sympathy I will be able to exude, are the things that will give me success.

I will encounter my own Evelene, and even get lost in the devils poppy fields, but these are just moments, the destination is still there waiting for me, and I choose to keep going, and I can say.. Don’t bring me your bad news.

A brand new day is just the beginning of another opportunity to make this day a day better than yesterday. No one can take me from me, as long as  I continue to believe that I am worth the journey.

It may seem small like just a musical, just a list of songs, with well-known actors, but it was my therapy today, my comforting arms, my friends, and reminder that Nothing is forsaken and without reason

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June 8, 2013 · 8:50 pm

Nebulous Amorphous

It might have been forever until this day, 

I denied uncertainty

a creation of situations to survive

rather than the definitive choices to  thrive

Yet today has arrived

All the wrongs just to defy my idea

A safe terrain

Alone in exile

A life deferred.

A word, lonely

Meaningful

yet without the context of the sentence it lives within 

to be more than just a word

but an idea

A conceptual purpose

A solitary combination  of symbols

A nebulous amorphous

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What the Fuck Did you Say?

It’s getting old, the spoken exchange, a delivery between the entities of humanity

the use of words, it’s repugnant, abrogating vanity

Bellows of infectious negating  detestable,  personal vulgarities

What the fuck did you say, and  who the fuck are you to vomit your cacophony of lost

on to me as if I am to inhale the sewage you have spit out

 Get the fuck back, watch your fucking words, and your fucking mouth.

It’s no longer, a characteristic of personality labeled as flaw

Or your definition of just being candid, to real, and raw

Honesty is not exclusive to profane, offensive candor, or painful ways

it’s begun to be status quo , this cancer of excusable, I can say what I want to say infection that is spread

Symptoms : Egregious statements, ” You need to understand” , “You pissed me off.”

Truth is I don’t give a flying fuck about how pissed you are, how I need to understand, how it’s your this…

All these redundant, menial, rationing tools to alleviate the weight of the tonality, resonance, and inflection of the words you choose to use

These expressions, content of your emotions

Still does not exonerate you from the abuse

You have implemented to our dynamic,

Constantly, explaining  for the fact that ain’t nobody going to treat you, talk to you, like that

Stand around you  like this

It’s nothing but bullshit

The golden rule, gives the impression of simplicity, but respectively

You stupid muthafuckas most honestly, sadistically

choose to believe that you can say or do what the fuck you want to do

while others must adhere to your rule of tolerant modulation,

However, everyone else in regards to you, needs to watch their fucking  tone

Soon it follows this conversation

about consideration,

of respect you say you demand

Fuck that, what it really sounds like is a command

I understand the world must have rules, but prior to me doing anything,

You as I

Were taught,  to extend a courtesy of politely giving regard to the opportunity of being able to exhibit

free will

I wouldn’t dare not give reverence to God, for he already has provided me with the provisions

of his expectations

Yes the  possibility of failure is great

one of the hardest tasks

given,  he expects me to treat you like I want to be treated

So I am going to stay seated

and while your tone quickly accelerates beyond the octave that allows me my serenity

Seeking to use fewer words meant to diminish your light

A constant fight to hold on to peace

 

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June 4, 2013 · 12:08 am

My Vow of Desire

Crave the massage of his difference to mine

Made a list so intense

couldn’t realize his existence

would have no ability to deny

resistance would be empty

His eyes so deep and sultry,

ignite fires below where they want me to keep it clothed

for him whenever he request

i will be his conquest

deep within

locked in close

don’t need diamonds

no rose

when we conclude

my body will thank him specifically with the rainfall of my submission

the tension in my shoulders, the tightness of my back

nothing but black, 

eyelids close

this is the rose

the melding into me

the wholeness

the baritone of his voice

his choice

to fill me, with his beauty, his seed

the more he gives to me, the less I bleed

his words will be poetry

his sexual demand

tailor made for my attraction

mind body and soul

words, to glances, unspoken advances

Ready to relieve all my fantasies in his adoration

vacations of flesh against flesh

no place untouched

no sin undone

ready to be his slave, 

His equal

his partner

his world

What do you desire?

What fire burns within?

The bed in which I make

Is place for adults to play

All the things we will do

Can only be for you

I pray for you

so i can release this beast raging inside of me….

 

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Incidental Tides of Understanding

Able to anticipate the moments that leave you breathless

The investments of living beauty

Immunity given to negative experience

Each day glorious

Incandescent, driven from a source untamed

unnamed,

Remain within the light

no fight

left to embrace the ugly in misunderstanding

These continuous tides

Magnanimous tides

Refutable tides of Understanding

A need,

to bleed the pain of life

Perish beneath the waves

no strife in the eyes of love

A sea of indefinite reels of currents

each washing away the past

no singular moment last

long enough to defy a souls course of connection

the tides inside, that move our belief

Design our current

define or shoreline of ability to have our hearts beat faster

swept up in moments that leave us eternally

able to view the majestic continuity of the sea

serene, and vast, no empty spaces

for regret remains

no smolder of ash from burning flames

to cure the intensity of change

Incidentally those tides, just rise

each wave, each breath

i invite the death of believing

that change is just this, the ability to anticpate the moments that leave you breathless

to rare the tides of understanding

to high the tide of care

Take me into the current,

ride each ripple of emotion

Deny fear’s deterrent

 submit  when they arrive

the incidental tides of understanding

FEEL,

living beauty is real

 embracing the senses

drown defenses

Breathless

 

 

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