My mother always answers when asked how she is doing with the word Reasonable. The word reasonable is not typically used in response to this question but for the first time I have taken the time to truly understand what the word means when she answers this question. Usually when I am asked this same question my answer differs. Sometimes the answer is blessed and other times the answer is okay. Yet not once had I ever considered saying Reasonable in response to this until today. Watching the first season of Grey’s Anatomy, I have been thinking of ways to change my world for the best of me so that I can move from Reasonable to blessed 100 percent of the time. THe outlook of answering reasonable is the sum of who my mother really is… cold on the edges but soft and warm on the inside built with a large amount of realism. She isn’t an optimist of positive thinking nor is she a disgruntled foreshadowing user of negative thinking either. My mother is Reasonable in her thinking, Reasonable in her faith, and Reasonable in her choices. Using less reason then the word implies. Sometimes this easy to excuse way of thinking drives me into complete disarray of emotional scarring that last long into months and at times years. I wish and hope that I never become Reasonable in my heartbeat, in my beliefs or in my dreams.
Lately my dreams, my goals, my past and my very next breath have become heavy weights of thought in my mind. I have began to analyze and compute the data of who I am with great ferocity. I pray for more resilence and more belief in myself. Today I prayed for reasonable thinking, for reasonable understanding, and for reasonable belief in the good of others, of humanity. I prayed for reasonable clarity. In the most dire of moments, in the most antiquated of activities, in the most daring of emotional risk I asked to be reasonable enough to risk mistake for hope of success and trimumph. I want in my future to be asked.. “How You Doing?” and give the response today I am more than Reasonable, I am happy, I am elated and blessed for the opportunity of another day.
Today I understand that to afford the ability to be more than reasonable I have to be at the least living with reasonable faith. Not just reasonable faith in God but reasonable faith in myself to be better than I was, to make better decisions and to not look at opportunity as something that is awarded to everyone because looking around at life and the people I encounter I know that it’s not. That a hand dealt to you, may have a little to do with the things we can’t explain, but it also means making the best of decisions when we arrive at different signals. DO you go left, do you go right? Are you of the right and reasonable mind to make those type of decisions. What are your motives? What are your triggers? How will it effect not just you, but those you love, those you effect in your small but large world.
As we approach another New Year, think of how you want to answer that question in 2013. How are you doing?
We must admit that sometimes life is not fair, but how fair are you to life?
Do you appreciate your opportunities? Are you thankful for your life? What kind of love to you input into your environment? We may want to think that we have nothing to do with the type of energy we live within?
How are you doing? I hope it’s better than Reasonable.
With each moment I find something new in you. Find a man worth admiring… find a place to hide from the world. Release the ache of the daily pain of living. Your smile exudes a quiet understanding of who I am when I am bare. It is rare ..
Who you are
You ignite me
Hot and rapid moans of desire
Become my the wire that holds the fence that is the entrance to me
Keep away the devious vine that leads to a rose of thorns.
No beautiful red petals to fall at my feet. Melodies
Become infamous symphonies
Reality made up of fantasties
You create a magnetic field from within me
One that wants to repel you
But drawn so fiercely we attract
Who are you really if not mine
Seeing those places again, places that not many days ago were places of home, places of friendly faces didn’t feel so happy. It made me see days that have been amended and replaced those days. Slowed heartbeats and visual reminders of what I truly did miss. Even the bad I missed, missed being near blood ties instead of just years piled together. The core of me which is still so much the same, yet the actions of that interpretation of me were no longer my daily activities and I missed those bad things, missed the superficial graces and triumphs it had given me. Missed it so much, thought about making arrangements to visit my personal version of euphoria. Yet I never made those left turns to options that would destroy what I had begun to create. Just when it made me remember it’s beauty I cried for it’s pain as well. That euphoria was having no ties, no responsibilities. It bullied my mind with it’s heavy weight of love. See you love your habits, you addictions, but mostly I love the freedom on having no desire to meet the qualifications of others. They have heavy demands of you for all these reasons. I was comfortable those 285 days, and each moment I was high. So high that the negative of those around me didn’t weigh on me. I abandoned them and I taught myself how to survive and the person who is here now makes the choice to stay away from that love for my bad. She appears here and there in the most serene and comfortable of places but these days they are further away from what I knew of soothing ways to cope with life. Understanding the why of your personas of who is reflected in the images of our mirrors. Find that core of you are, then you can create these changes that will make others look to you with a quiet envy that is never loud because successes of this kind more of the building kind. Building a kindness for those who many others don’t understand. Sometimes the only way to truly connect with that you have had to visit those day and those worlds. Now green tree’s make quick appearances but doesn’t stay long. My love for her is fleeting unlike my real love. The realest love I have is for me. I acknowledge who I am on all levels, I relieve my sins to God where they belong. Not to any friend, family member or stranger on the street, and neither should you world out there. Being on this level of understanding is not for the meek at heart. Being bold, brazen and sometimes so wrong helps us to find right on levels beyond the average and I am above average, breaking away from the stereotypes because I don’t like stereotypes all statistics and commonality are used against a group, to build this negative classification tools. Who you are is unique and similar to someone else s and sometimes feeling the ability to completely be your self is the true gift.
As I revisited that place that I use to call home I realized that who was lingering there in the peppered mementos of the my past I saw a woman loosely sewn together. loosely pieced in happy, these days and this revised persona was no much different, just stitched a bit better, double woven and erratically placed with grace and hindering heart strings. I am proud of her, but I am not ashamed of that fleeting me that was so present in my eyes as I laid to rest her memory and I do miss her, miss her audacious and prettier self. I miss her more slender hips, and helpful way. I miss her more focused mind. I miss all of her but I will find a way back to her kinder attributes, I know I will because I demand it of myself.