How many times?

How many times in your life to meet a person who you feel as though completely understands you, makes you better, tells you that your better than settling. Even when settling is the person telling you. I would assume that it doesn’t happen that often. That it feels miraculous nd fullfilling and is the hardest thing to accept when you feel broken and lost and tired of the games that relationships give birth to. The pregnant moments that begin somewhere around the annoying habit that you didn’t see before, and the sparks of suspicion that ignite when a phone call is not returned and the feeling that is the sign you got before it began anyway. The moment you realized that you ignored yourself because you wanted to breathe in a moment of not looking or not acting like you were okay you were alone… and that settlement of your emotional stability last for a moment past to long and when you actually count back it’s been years. Not moments, not days , but years and you realize you still can’t breathe. The exhale moment of happiness is lost in fear. There were not enough diligent prayers and not enough faith, and you pray then at that moment, not for anything but to apologize to God and yourself for hurting yourself because you stopped believing and even if in your lifetime it didn’t look like your drew in the sketchbook of your fantasy that you would still smile because you did believe in faith.

The amount of people in this world seems to be in so many ways infinite. Infinite in possibility as well. The possibility of their actually being someone to whom you are marked would be something of story books and epic blockbuster flooring movies and not reality. Yet love seems to defy everything else doesn’t it? It is the epic story and somehow so many of us stop listening to that thing inside you that says this is the real thing and faith is something in which I can hold on and God is real. Many would think that all those things are not interconnected. They are, don’t be afraid of the fantasy or the dream and just because the details are not as clear as they are in lands of hope and wishing. A story with a little grit is always more influential and powerful and makes it feel like that pulitzer type of novel, that academy award type of movie and that faith based you know Jesus walked on water kind of miracle. When it’s like that you fight for the happy days with the most incredible kindness and activity… like telling that person you were so lucky to meet that they complete you, that they are in the ending of every great movie you watch about romance and somehow they seem to be lost in those words of that one character because you are emotional and those beating fast full of love heart moments just makes you think of them. No your not done because every song seems to be about love, and I hate you because you hurt me but I still think about you everyday because I think I forgave you a long time ago and I just was so full of fear that it would never stop hurting but it did and the loving part, that’s the part that lives on in my thoughts.

It’s even harder when that skipped beat when they are near leads to a sacrifice of smiles for tears because they don’t love you back in that way but still want to be friends and how do you do that but you somehow find yourself  meeting this other person who doesn’t add up to worthy because they aren’t… not for the person you love enough to let them chase the smile that they evoked in you and you feel yourself smiling inside because they do. Some nights you still cry and some nights you cringe when every song still reminds you of them and everything is harder to do.

How many times in a lifetime do you meet someone that completely understands you? Someone that makes you better? Someone who in the middle of conversations says ” After this I promise I will stop talking” and you narrow your eyes and say you never have to stop talking. Someone who even on their worse day is the best you could imagine.

How many times do wee see love and still miss it’s street, having to bust a U in the middle of life and just go back to that street and make that turn… maybe u missed the left to begin, and now your making a right… a right decision…



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3 responses to “How many times?

  1. You writing NEVER disappoints. I don’t stop by often, but, when I do and catch you, you manage to leave me with one word: speechless. Keep cultivating the gift God gave you. I’m so proud of you!

    • I have to do some editing there myself… It was a stream of conscious this morning when I began writing. Your comments floor me… All the years I have done open mics and written poems for everyone who asked… I very seldom would get feedback. Always left wondering was that okay.. If even for a moment I feel insecure or doubtful I get that much needed push and confirmation that yes I should keep on writing. Most artist say.. if I touch just one person, most trial lawyers.. “just one person who connects with my argument” and I know it’s worth it.. Funny how once you give all to God, he just comes around in everything and on every day that you are blessed with a breath. Thank you.. so much. I printed out my first draft of my book today after a long while of procrastinating…. As always thank you for the blessing of your aura, presence and support in my life.

  2. I saw the typo after I hit enter. *Your* writing NEVER disappoints.

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