Monthly Archives: December 2011

When We…. A Friendship Never Forgotten

The level of communication today

is why you are not so far a bay

Didn’t think I could see this present

When our hellos were hesitant, second to the addresses of president

When our love didn’t flow

and the contents of your heart I didn’t know

Not when we were sisters, not friends

Not when a I consisted of a we

when we were the three distinct parts of the holy trinity

When were nothing less than infinity

an eternity of love

a soul mate

a play date

a sibling when blood meshed thumb to thumb

when we were best

the knitted nest

the tie to vest

Now it is a longingly gone dry

a sad goodbye

a memory of desserted knowledge

Now just a story that begins

“This one time in college”

Love does not die

so why did we

the interaction

now just simple subtraction

there is a you without me

a divided we

a new part to you whole

our present a future past

a gasp, a ghastly silence

we were not literary

but an exact science

proven and hypthosized

Just when I realized that some heartbreaks

never die

the kind that doesn’t begin with carresses and obsessions of will they, who me

will she, but the kind that begin with us, you and me

so innocently


the days of the young in me that

is still living with all those memories you are apart

just a dart landed in at the bull eyes

Still wonder how and questions still end in why?

Yet the facebook is on my shoulder tweeting

and I am happy that I am apart of this social networking

for it networked me right back to you

so that I can piece together your present

now that our hello’s are hesitant

and the days no longer shared

for days lost

the cost

my end

my friend

my half of whole

my gaping hole

is left unfilled

others come and consume

but none ever you

known ever the five pieces of my youth

None to ever know completely my truth

cuz u have the proof

she has the proof

they have the truth to my youth

When we were girls

sitting up nghts

plaid uniformed skirts

lips pursed

phones hidden

hearts smitten with time

boys we called fine

and when my my heart didn’t seem to break so easily

when we defied the logistics of personality

and the true bond was the commonality that love was an acceptance

a forgiveness so bold

it was tangible. something to hold

never alone was I

you all were there

when life didn’t seem fair

we would share outside on dark patios

experimenting with the dark arts and holding on to each other

blowing tree’s, screaming lyrics from another

When we were girls

we didn’t know these women wouldn’t be sitting so far away

Didn’t know today would lend us seperately

or did we know but it ignored it with love and held on for as long

as the time permit

Life has a funny way of teaching doesn’t it

When we were girls

and things seemed hard

when we seemed fearless to scream let it ride no matter the hand dealt, no matter the card

brave, and loud

girls running lost

what women found

Miss those days of being a girl

Miss those days of you being my first call

Miss knowing that you will be there after all

or maybe I still do

I keep saying thank you

For being a part of me

You are apart of the root, not a leave, or even a branch

You are a the core of my tree, without you past and present

I wouldn’t be me




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Filed under a rant of love, women, Written Emotion


The Balance of Love

Without you were would I be,

I think you may complete me

Interpret and translate my incoherent thoughts when my words are few

If I ask you to love me more

You would

The only one who  could

Able to weather my changes

Your love is not inconsistent

Don’t retreat when my life is airing in the prime time slot

Always persistent

Always tuning in to see

If I need my theme song, to be repeated back

You help me keep my mind on track

You extend your hand in my transitions

welcoming my growth and changes

When my mind is cloudy my actions out of line

you help me to rearrange the pages

When I need to vacate the memory of myself

You let me explore, yet you never are to far

You have set the bar on loving me

you do it so stupendously

through our friendship, I know the type of love to expect

a bond that uses words like  forever and never  efortlessly

bordering on cocky,


that even if things in life are rocky

Decisions and truth leave us salty

Still you exude loyalty

After so many obstacles of dramatic proportions

on my side of this team

It’s time I watch the line up Monday’s nights when you come on

These scenes, pages and screenings of your life are coming hard and fast

Testing your courage, strength and faith

Leaving you to warfar of the heart, leaving trails of fear. yet I can say it won’t last

I will not mislead you into an easy transition when your heart feels the daggers of wounds to your heart

Yet I will do my part

In reminding you of your worth, how smart

you are, beautiful and kind

with statement made for the clans of girlfriends, “The Maya to My Joan”

“Girl he is crazy, lost his mind, the man must be blind”, leave the court jester

and let us, find ourselves some kings and sit on this throne

Tears my still flow in heavy streams

make you feel as though you have been ripped at the seams

the very core holding you together

that’s why you get a best friend who can be forever

so we can use never in the terms of pain

the rainbow will come after this diastrious rain

The depth  and severity of this lesson, I can’t change

Yet I am not powerless

I can tell  withyou 100 percent assurance that you have

Me, built to be this friend

Aiding in mending the heart that is brusised

we do not break, never  broken

No one will hold the token

Of taking your power

Can never ascend our tower of self worth

this is our turf the heart

At the finish and at the start, we will leave victorious

sheep with a well knit flock

this doesn’t stop the clock

we keep throwing blows


to those who try to fight unfairly

selfishly or with an intent to misuse or abuse

that would be lighting a fuse to the destruction the opposing army

We go all in to protect

no suspect, behavior will we accept

I am here endlessly

I don’t tire of your venting

my arm will not go numb in support

my ear death to your hurt

my mind dumb to your need

to have a place to cry

here you are not weak

your tears symbols of your bravery

freeing your self from the shackles of emotional slavery

Here the judgement of love does not live

the truth injected with the needles of love

no pinch, no post injected itch

Here you are seen in high acclaim

My heart is fit for the fight

any time day or night

Your light is here waiting for you to lead you to the end of this road

set your pace,

a journey, not a race

Be bold

don’t forget who you are

Find those things you lost in this fire

hold on to the desire of love, never resent

Every smile, lesson learned is heaven sent

Even if it holds pain

It’s not the rain

we remember, the rainbow will appear

the wounds will heal

COntinue to feel

I will keep the pounds of lost a bay

Start each day

With the affirmation

that you can will start another scene

For the finale of this season

Choose a new cast

The past doesn’t last

I stood at your side when it all began

and as it ends, I will be there again

Men always come, and most will go

That we know

Yet a friend signs contracts that have no date to end

Staying when the party has stopped, holding your hand

For life is not always as we plan

I will lift you up

refill your cup

with tea in the morning

and glasses of vodka on the rocks at night

just so you see fun still exist

and of course the life you have built will be missed…

Yet we will not live on negative, that class is dimissed

The time limit for sad days

will be few

Anything born and rooted in misunderstanding

can not grow

a man to demanding

even in anger  must go

You deserve to shine

Believe me, you will be more than fine

You exude the beauty

radiating from the inside

You are a model of living life for the right

I have admired your caring spirit

forgiving heart and open mind.

This will not define you

This will not stiffle your growth or steal your dreams,

Left blind, be blind only to the belief that change is bad

For an open heart, faith and love is all we had or have

Scream loud in empty rooms

Curse the days that try to steal your smile

If you have to, deny the world a while

Real love first must start with you

You are going to see a happiness that will shine so bright you will light

darken hearts, allowing love to find you open to the kind of love that feels complete

The man that takes your breath away

Don’t be afraid to move on

And if the memory of that past love never fades

Pray and be a fool for love…..

Either way you are more than my friend, your my heart

And I need my heart to keep beating

I promise to keep beating to

for you

From your friend with love.


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Losing Risk..I miss it

When the doors to opportunity open and make open passages to harmony, we sometimes lose our fearless abandon, questioning consequences and outcomes. Losing the fight of thoughts gone wild. Taking chances has become a thing of a childhood lost to being an adult. We have forgotten how to become adventurers of the heart. Instead being infected by decayed misgivings of “what if I lose all that I have gained.” Maybe it is better to have nothing. For those with nothing seem fearless of the consequential outcomes. In the line of sight I have seen win or lose they do it not always just for the profit but also the experience. Experience has lost it’s popularity in modern society.The gamble at one time did conmulinate in thoughts of only lost, the minds of people did lend so much severity in the depth of rejection… for it is said in archaic words of this experience we call living “what do I have to lose?” When did dreaming become something of the risking kind, and when did taking chances lose the fight with just settling. Without the leap there can be no risk so it seems that risk recovery is just risk discovery, which is just risk defending the the safe by suspending it’s useful purpose in life. With the fear we invite into our hearts risk has become powerful. Powerful for the control of the mind, control of faith and the spread of fear. Now fear is a crutch where with courage, and brave hearts can be a tool of motivation. It wears now the honor of resistance and restriction, keeping you at bay and constrained. Through eyes of experience, wisdom and faith we will see the good in a risk. Risk isn’t dangerous, it’s merely the  unknown a prejudiced uncharted bank of waters. Without a risk many of us would not be here living, breathing.  I have been thinking and the elusive is sexy to me so I have begun to lust for it,  want to begin a passionate, altering, and brazen  love affair with that old friend, and intertwine it with it the way many have with safe. Safe is no longer an ally , it’s taken to double agency and is doing the more negative than positive. Safe has mastered a new craft of slaying possibility, leaving ideas decaying on the fore front of minds never born to action. Safe is keeping our children from sprouting, No longer “in risk” to playing out in the yard. Imagination has been  left abandoned , to much of a risk.  Instead their minds have  been broaden by technological  logic,,, creativity is criminal, a terrorist of changing and individuality. Instead be no more then a trained mind be a prisioner of the implanted thought,chained to tv’s that  hypnotize the brain, leaving them morally blind. Giving them age before growth, and fear before faith.  A little bit of risk makes the journey worth going on.. what if you at the age of nine didn’t build that ramp you thought soaring across would be so fun, what if a doctor didn’t take the risk on that life changing hypothesis.. The widening madness is rising, this widening gap of being led instead of leading… not just in leadership but in love, in friendship in learning in maintaining. Wearing down the ability to survive by relying on instinct, we are become robotic entities of simply complying instead of defying, just hear, listen and obey the words are lost in the clicks, the moving pictures to hide the fact that they are lying,  Don’t take the risk, just hear, listen, and download this disk, to protect what has already been taken. I am just wondering how losing risk leaves me so cold, robbing me of that youth like feeling, just feel denied, left behind and old. Maybe I should have took the risk instead of so eagerly yelling fold to afraid to lose what I already had, maybe that risk would have been so much more. The risk may yield less than happy results but what do I care… without the risk, seems soon we may not feel there is anything worth fighting for… without risk, do you really think you will dream of  something more? 

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This Love Inspires Me

You are living inside of the closeted places of my mind that preserve the honesty of our meeting

in those places these memories, these thoughts of you can live

Left to the device of me, I would remove you from the bin in which I recycled your beauty

My mind I feel most days has betrayed me, left me to feel everything that I have told my reflection

I could dull with the days building between our last embrace, the last taste

of the man you are

Yet the distance whether near or far

makes nothing of the love I feel simmer into the burnt ash of pain that seems to burn away so quickly

the clock will continously change, always ticking

making journies of empty moments to hold on to

yet my heart seems so strong in it’s position

The true definition

of loyalty

this love it inspires the queen in me, the queen to your king

My heart seems to think we live in a castle of emmaculate devotion

she is not detirred by the past

this love is the only thing that seems to last

in the constant movement of my being

every song heard whispers your name

always the same

You love another, and my heart knows

yet she still beats for you

I tired of fighting

Tired of looking for reasons to hate you

when it’s not you, sometimes the things you do but never enough

to leave you in the book of memories

No my heart is marked by the touch of your tenderness

the emotional words of poets long since

marked epic

are breathing as your tongue and lips give them life

and it’s like we are still laying. holding and saving the things we were once to afriad to reveal

the hard exterior you use as defense

the quick chatter of my tonque hoping to mask the nearvous energy daring to jump to my

active understanding

You, even the simplicity of a thought,  inspires me and the love beats louder so it seems.

I am in awe of this love that exist halfway to you, and half away from me.

This love that has it’s own heartbeat

Connecting us our miles, and pain

without desire to  gain

without expectation

without need or want

it just is and smiles

even when we can not

our love that we don’t acknowledge

our love, this newborn light,  a miracle we

continue to deny

This love inspires me

for it’s strong

denies foolish things like fear

and exudes a faith

that has created a new belief in me

the kind that says it’s possible to love

without the condition of selfish interest

Our mouths wish each other well

and even make that promise of never being more than a call away

the games the mind will play

when the heart can’t be moved

can’t be sold a dream

when the reality is the truth of love

This love that still breathes

when the oxygen it needs seems to be exhausted

Adapting to it’s new atmosphere

when our actions have been left to avengeing the felonies of emotional misconduct

This love never makes judgements of life sentences of prision

This love judges us not by the color of hestiation

yet by the content of it’s destination

loving and remaining as God would do

we are prodigal children of our own hearts

leaving them in pursuit of pastures that we are blind to

for lies  our minds tell when the expectations are not met

when we are not brave enough to forgive

this love forgives us until we forgive the reflection

never waiting in vain

This love inspires me to be free

bold, and daring

to defy the logic of scientific and calculated thought

This love is feeding me. nuturing the growth of evolving

beyond mistakes of the yesteredays we replay as reminders to excuse

the sin of ignoring

This love that has built a duplex at the core of our hearts

I feel it beating and working on the future gateways and bridges to

allow us the single door

This love is brave, and courageous

It inspries me to forget what the others have done

Inspires me to love with kindness,

This loves inspires me to see the things I before

could not accept

and open my eyes to questions

I didn’t need to ask

This love is no executioner or guard to the staginant of pain defense memory

This love  preaches and lives for faith

This love has inspired me to change

To see beyond the conformity to defending the heart

This learned art of forgiving but never forgetting

This love is showing me that the heart is a muscle

and with the right rehabilation will again be a productive member of my society

If i trust it will heal and forget

If I don’t continue to misuse it strength and submit to it’s vulnerability

It will beat for me

This love inspries me to not be ashamed of the fact that it exist

regardless of the conditions

It lives and is growing, will not abandon me for convience

This love inspired me to believe in it..


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Filed under Written Emotion

How many times?

How many times in your life to meet a person who you feel as though completely understands you, makes you better, tells you that your better than settling. Even when settling is the person telling you. I would assume that it doesn’t happen that often. That it feels miraculous nd fullfilling and is the hardest thing to accept when you feel broken and lost and tired of the games that relationships give birth to. The pregnant moments that begin somewhere around the annoying habit that you didn’t see before, and the sparks of suspicion that ignite when a phone call is not returned and the feeling that is the sign you got before it began anyway. The moment you realized that you ignored yourself because you wanted to breathe in a moment of not looking or not acting like you were okay you were alone… and that settlement of your emotional stability last for a moment past to long and when you actually count back it’s been years. Not moments, not days , but years and you realize you still can’t breathe. The exhale moment of happiness is lost in fear. There were not enough diligent prayers and not enough faith, and you pray then at that moment, not for anything but to apologize to God and yourself for hurting yourself because you stopped believing and even if in your lifetime it didn’t look like your drew in the sketchbook of your fantasy that you would still smile because you did believe in faith.

The amount of people in this world seems to be in so many ways infinite. Infinite in possibility as well. The possibility of their actually being someone to whom you are marked would be something of story books and epic blockbuster flooring movies and not reality. Yet love seems to defy everything else doesn’t it? It is the epic story and somehow so many of us stop listening to that thing inside you that says this is the real thing and faith is something in which I can hold on and God is real. Many would think that all those things are not interconnected. They are, don’t be afraid of the fantasy or the dream and just because the details are not as clear as they are in lands of hope and wishing. A story with a little grit is always more influential and powerful and makes it feel like that pulitzer type of novel, that academy award type of movie and that faith based you know Jesus walked on water kind of miracle. When it’s like that you fight for the happy days with the most incredible kindness and activity… like telling that person you were so lucky to meet that they complete you, that they are in the ending of every great movie you watch about romance and somehow they seem to be lost in those words of that one character because you are emotional and those beating fast full of love heart moments just makes you think of them. No your not done because every song seems to be about love, and I hate you because you hurt me but I still think about you everyday because I think I forgave you a long time ago and I just was so full of fear that it would never stop hurting but it did and the loving part, that’s the part that lives on in my thoughts.

It’s even harder when that skipped beat when they are near leads to a sacrifice of smiles for tears because they don’t love you back in that way but still want to be friends and how do you do that but you somehow find yourself  meeting this other person who doesn’t add up to worthy because they aren’t… not for the person you love enough to let them chase the smile that they evoked in you and you feel yourself smiling inside because they do. Some nights you still cry and some nights you cringe when every song still reminds you of them and everything is harder to do.

How many times in a lifetime do you meet someone that completely understands you? Someone that makes you better? Someone who in the middle of conversations says ” After this I promise I will stop talking” and you narrow your eyes and say you never have to stop talking. Someone who even on their worse day is the best you could imagine.

How many times do wee see love and still miss it’s street, having to bust a U in the middle of life and just go back to that street and make that turn… maybe u missed the left to begin, and now your making a right… a right decision…


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