So many days I look to the pictures in perfect position in the foyer of our imperfection
I see a dolled version of myself vowing me to a commitment annoited misunderstanding
I left the first love I knew, for a love that embodied us, yet continues to only produces conversations of you
If marriage is a combination of us, for a family of one, a unified front of the perspective of our desires
then why do I feel cold at the face of the fire
why does the blame reside in the the things only I seem to lack
So dutifully sitting at your side,
So many days with self blinded eyes,
I see ,consequence and denial, the place you reside
You have began to drain the emotion from the devotion I sacrificed myself to show
bleeding the energy of us
Your wounds, the distaste, disgrace
of your own face
the reflection of me, has now become the reaction of your self loathing
a designed negativity that was the obscene revealing that without me their is no you
when I left me to complete the void, that had been born and nurtured by your lack of conviction to the institution of self
I was born of love, nurtured in eyes of imperfect love that so perfectly molded my definition of what it is to love so
confidently, no Oedipus Rex at the edge of demands, no hand to add fear to commands
Seemingly have grown in reverse. Have settled for a passion of the flesh
instead of a yoke equally provoked by connection
if I would have taken the time to inspect the point at which we intersected I would have looked to the calls of God
How he warned me that no should be the response
I am at the helm of firey pits of neglect. I no longer want to be penetrated by my own knife. Lacerating my needs to
treat the wounds of your denial. Let me go. with love and for once look to my heart and see the stains of the blood you
drawn with your hate, the shots from the pistols of you insinuation.
The pregnant silences of love that were never the corner stone of this union have
now become the bitter taste of pity on my lips, the quiet resentment that was adopted when the children of love could not be labored from a bond of unity
we have never been a we, merely the result of you plus the idea of woman that you cast with the likes of me
for I seem to be the stranger that is in this house, foreign to my eyes, the image that stares back seems to be a clone, a stepford wife dolled and designed as wife
I earned and shall one day have the title of queen. the equality of a real man, adorned in his sincerity, wrapped in his physical masculinity
my friends have become memories, my memories just headstones in the grave yard of my past freedom to be me.
I will not die in the welding grasp of your arms
lose my favor in the pursuit of your religious doctrine of control.
My spirit is calling out to me
asking me to once again find the motivation, the fight, the moxy of my intelligence.
You killed the endless definitive gestures of my individuality,
it’s at this moment that I stared to you knelling, bowing, praising your Frankeinstein
Upon that lifted stand, idolized was a spitting image of my earthly dwelling. She so much as I use to see, wearing my face, my clothes, yet empty
a soulless lost entity…
you have stolen the light from me
standing outside my grasp
I want to go home to the face that got me here.
want to find the woman that would have never been enslaved by the need of a man’s embrace, to build a home without love, the woman who loved before and quietly just wanted to be someone that could be the mother who cared.
The bound copy of me sits somewhere in the library of this life and I want to dust the jakcet with a bare and unburdened left hand.
want to silently anull my thoughts and divorce my decision to stop breathing for me.
Born from the rib of humanity… the hu man love that is a miracle to this soil.
the inspiration of love, lives in the woman I was, not the woman I have become today.
Shame burns my flesh, and disdain causes the endless storms of rain to cascade to the cleft of my change
How did I allow this marriage of us to be the denial of me
When did l lose the case and instead accept the deal drawn to the defense of you.
release my pain, slay the demons of your heart, so that I may see me.
If love lived here in this home, you would see the sombering dull light in my eyes
you would ask, instead of repeat me, you would understand when I say, ” I must do this for me”
You would embrace the love that lead me here,
you would see that same love that is just now a disquise for the fear
that blinds the road of light that leads down a path that enables me to leave
to once again believe in the power that started with me.
How could you love me when I have fallen out of love with the woman you claim
to love. She is no longer there or did you never love who lived inside of the shell.
The brown eyes that melt you
the vivacious storm that pulsates with the rhythmn of beat, and walks on small romantic feet
the woman you once labeled more beautiful than sweet
If I could track down the beginning… the day we meet, the first time the words of sincere emotion left full lips
the first time I allowed those large hands to grasp my hips
If I could restore us from that time, I would
Back to the future when our past was not tainted by false revelation
this destination has been met,
this end has already begun.
It began the day you admitted the application you submitted for husband was do to insecurity
The denial of another, being the man
that held my hand
the faces of my past began to appear in the way of my present
when the discernment of my friends
calculated the bankrupt divends of your intentions
The woman I was, loved you then
I was never a prize to win
I was more than the equvocation
of your validation
Now I whimper in pain
and shake in the cold of your eyes
when the answers
don’t match your key
when I continue to fail
the class of your perfection
you have created the person you loathe
with a voice that mimics mine
your self loathing transformed
the contract of our union
the will and testament of a love,
just a sacrifice of a conquered soul
Still with me at your side you don’t feel whole.
Did the torture of my Character, the assasination of my faith
the theft of my belief
Did it fulfill the terms of your agreement for the love of you,
that you could not seem to find.
Did my supply meet your demand?
The shackles of your self motivated promises have been broken and abandoned by the renewed faith in me.
This journey to the core of my existence was difficult with the awkward process of growing
Yet the benefit of that learning to love the flaws in my perfection
was the shield, the armor, the cannons of fire that allows me to once again defeat those who trepass against me
Even those cloaked in love of the wolfs closet.
This sheep is apart of a flock never left unattended, the path back to the kingdom of my worth
Is lit with the love of myself and I am prodigal no more, this marriage of us, did not and will not kill me
I don’t need you to release me
the moment the choice was me
I was free…