A Marriage of Us and the Denial of Me

So many days I look to the pictures in perfect position in the foyer of our imperfection

I see a dolled version of myself vowing me to a commitment annoited misunderstanding

I left the first love I knew, for a love that embodied us, yet continues to only produces conversations of you

If marriage is a combination of us, for a family of one, a unified front of the perspective of our desires

then why do I feel cold at the face of the fire

why does the blame reside in the the things only I seem to lack

So dutifully sitting at your side,

So many days with self blinded eyes,

I see ,consequence and denial, the place you reside

You have began to drain the emotion from the devotion I sacrificed myself to show

bleeding the energy of us

Your wounds, the distaste, disgrace

of your own face

the reflection of me, has now become the reaction of your self loathing

a designed negativity that was the obscene revealing that without me their is no you

when I left me to complete the void, that had been born and nurtured by your lack of conviction to the institution of self

I was born of love, nurtured in eyes of imperfect love that so perfectly molded my definition of what it is to love so

confidently, no Oedipus Rex at the edge of demands, no hand to add fear to commands

Seemingly have grown in reverse. Have settled for a passion of the flesh

instead of a yoke equally provoked by connection

if I would have taken the time to inspect the point at which we intersected I would  have looked to the calls of God

How he warned me that no should be the response

I am at the helm of firey pits of neglect. I no longer want to be penetrated by my own knife. Lacerating my needs to

treat the wounds of your denial. Let me go. with love and for once look to my heart and see the stains of the blood you

drawn with your hate, the shots from the pistols of you insinuation.

The pregnant silences of love that were never the corner stone of this union have

now become the bitter taste of pity on my lips, the quiet resentment that was adopted when the children of love could not be labored from a bond of unity

we have never been a we, merely the result of you plus the idea of woman that you cast with the likes of me

for I seem to be the stranger that is in this house, foreign to my eyes, the image that stares back seems to be a clone, a stepford wife dolled and designed as wife

I earned and shall one day have the title of queen. the equality of a real man, adorned in his sincerity, wrapped in his physical masculinity

my friends have become memories, my memories just headstones in the grave yard of my past freedom to be me.

I will not die in the welding grasp of your arms

lose my favor in the pursuit of your religious doctrine of control.

My spirit is calling out to me

asking me to once again find the motivation, the fight, the moxy of my intelligence.

You killed the endless definitive gestures of my individuality,

it’s at this moment that I stared to you knelling, bowing, praising your Frankeinstein

Upon that lifted stand, idolized was a spitting image of my earthly dwelling. She so much as I use to see, wearing my face, my clothes, yet empty

a soulless lost entity…

you have stolen the light from me

standing outside my grasp

I want to go home to the face that got me here.

want to find the woman that would have never been enslaved by the need of a man’s embrace, to build a home without love, the woman who loved before and quietly just wanted to be someone that could be the mother who cared.

The bound copy of me sits somewhere in the library of this life and I want to dust the jakcet with a bare and unburdened left hand.

want to silently anull my thoughts and divorce my decision to stop breathing for me.

Born from the rib of humanity… the hu man love that is a miracle to this soil.

the inspiration of love, lives in the woman I was, not the woman I have become today.

Shame burns my flesh, and disdain causes the endless storms of rain to cascade to the cleft of my change

How did I allow this marriage of us to be the denial of me

When did l lose the case and instead accept the deal drawn to the defense of you.

release my pain, slay the demons of your heart, so that I may see me.

If love lived here in this home, you would see the sombering dull light in my eyes

you would ask, instead of repeat me, you would understand when I say, ” I must do this for me”

You would  embrace the love that lead me here,

you would see that same love that is just now a disquise for the fear

that blinds the road of light that leads down a path that enables me to leave

to once again believe in the power that started with me.

How could you love me when I have fallen out of love with the woman you claim

to love. She is no longer there or did you never love who lived inside of the shell.

The brown eyes that melt you

the vivacious storm that pulsates with the rhythmn of beat, and walks on small romantic feet

the woman you once labeled more beautiful than sweet

If I could track down the beginning… the day we meet, the first time the words of sincere emotion left full lips

the first time I allowed those large hands to grasp my hips

If I could restore us from that time, I would

Back to the future when our past was not tainted by false revelation

this destination has been met,

this end has already begun.

It began the day you admitted the application you submitted for husband was do to insecurity

The denial of another, being the man

that held my hand

the faces of my past began to appear in the way of my present

when the discernment of my friends

calculated the bankrupt divends of your intentions

The woman I was, loved you then

I was never a prize to win

I was more than the equvocation

of your validation

Now I whimper in pain

and shake in the cold of your eyes

when the answers

don’t match your key

when I continue to fail

the class of your perfection

you have created the person you loathe

with a voice that mimics mine

your self loathing transformed

the contract of our union

the will and testament of a love,

just a sacrifice of a conquered soul

Still with me at your side you don’t feel whole.

Did the torture of my Character, the assasination of my faith

the theft of my belief

Did it fulfill the terms of your agreement for the love of you,

that you could not seem to find.

Did my supply meet your demand?

The shackles of your self motivated promises have been broken and abandoned by the renewed faith in me.

This journey to the core of my existence was difficult with the awkward process of growing

Yet the benefit of that learning to love the flaws in my perfection

was the shield, the armor, the cannons of fire that allows me to once again defeat those who trepass against me

Even those cloaked in love of the wolfs closet.

This sheep is apart of a flock never left unattended, the path back to the kingdom of my worth

Is lit with the love of myself and I am prodigal no more, this marriage of us, did not and will not kill me

I don’t need you to release me

the moment the choice was me

I was free…

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Filed under The World, Written Emotion

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