New Case, Love

Expectation is leading, exceeding honesty, holding my hand, traveling between words not spoken. Repeating concerns daggers of judgement and there you and I stand. Brand new No precedents to refer to no love vs trust in this case of us. Our first time in Ligation. My first charge, trust not defied is my defense. This is not my first love this chemical noose that is slowly killing my earthly body, and you this new experimental organic and pure treatment to old diseases of “nothing but lust”, “selfish desire”, “emotion option not included”, “your just like the last” , “gave my heart to fast for the feeling”, ” can’t embrace me I am retreating to you”. My last emotional-oncologist prescribed me the worlds remedies in forms of cocaine, cannabis, ec stacy, illicit sex, anger and other peoples pain therapy. Nothing seemed to cure the lack of love that really was all I really did need. It was fear that cloned me and sent me in pursuit of these mind altering options for calm. I conquered the need for each slowly as I revealed the contents of days sealed. Exposing flesh untouched by hands, lips never kissed, a heart hidden behind false bravo dos, inept packaging and my desire for something that was supposed to be free. No exchange of currency, yet I paid handsomely for the moments of thoughtless, emotion free peace, until my soul began to overdraw and I had to face the flaw of denial. The quick fix of penetrating fixes, heart numbing gifts of lackadaisical highs from anything presented went from vacating the mind to illuminating it’s presence. It was taking me into adverse rooms of understanding, reflection and evaluation of self as I realized I was all that was left when the green had run dry of hydration factors. Others were aliens. Another world of daily methodical and limited movement. Realized all those that had come and gone were gone for it was no one here inside they could see, hiding in the clouds of smoke, I had become so loud in my cries, they scattered, just flies landing and lifting off. The next hit changed my mind and My heart spoke to me and said come to me and be free. You have incarcerated your own entity in this jail of fear. No faith has been applied therefore your value has been lost in the random, the abandon. My first day of change was a methadone of association and compatibility. Each individual conversation with the aliens so foreign to me, a dose of love left just for this heartbeat and finally a breath escaped. The woman inside breathing and as she began to take breaths, the woman I was began the first of several deaths. The little girl left without attention, died from overwhelming touch, the pre teen with no place to rest her thoughts died listening, the voice never heard died speaking. The woman without faith, seeing that it was herself that she left, had returned, she died believing. As I began again born of acceptance, love and faith just for me. Learning by living the recovery of karma.. Now you have appeared and the table of judgement is again displayed. The jury… Just your perception, my intention denied during the first stages of selection and the pains of growing are lost in your eyes. Yet they were more of a gift, then I even knew.. It was seeing me with eyes anew, without tainted images of days lived, just the new truth I had created with faith. I had begun to feel safe so I shared that past that still appeared in the present yet differently. Yet your eyes are clouded by the honesty that is a new thing for this child reborn, discretion not a choice, I must embrace this voice. The new sentence is restitution for settling for the excuse of transition. You must serve the term of lost opportunity. Growing tired of lost, it’s not worth the cost of the love I can attain, no more visits to the past, you see the classes passed, is why the past can’t last in today. You can’t un learn self understanding.. The case of “new” love vs trust” rules in the favor of love. The appeal is not yet determined, yet I doing my best to keep the outlook positive, it presents unexpected things, like the opportunity to try again supported by his most powerful friend “forgive”

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