Inside the Light

How did I get to the moment when you were no longer just a part of the world that I was living in? The memory of our meeting, our talks, our walks in this experience of humanity so separate had somehow become so much intertwined. A friendship of constant understanding and individual similarity. Now it feels as though you are as essential as the oxygen needed to breath and live. I can’t live in this type of love, this love that comes with risks and faith. This love that seems to have grown under the wings of God and sings a melody that is beyond the instruments I have been trained to play. You have created a village of followers of my emotions inside of me, and I am beginning to reek of your words, your mission and your journey. I should feel as though i have no longer been myself yet I feel more like me that I ever had. I am being born again in the life of which you have envisioned me and it has begun to empower me and I want to run away from you because we are not in love, I am not yours, you have not become the man to the women I seem to be evolving into. The fears of my youth now comforts of home as I begin to adapt to a new life. The pregnant silences are full of promise and future movement and the miracle born to our conversations, dances of invitation, and faith have made me a proud mother of love. A mother who has labored in the disguise of happy when it was nothing more than incomplete desire that was so well hidden, even my reflection had not yet been introduced. Yet now I see her moving from shadows in plain sight. Now the dark is so illuminated with light and I don’t want to fight the urge to be near the chills that cover my skin when your words reinforce thoughts that have lived without a delivery for the entirety of my life. I was moving, an emotional zombie. Afraid of showing the passion that was so well tamed without the fuel to let it burn yet now I can no longer contain what is there, it has now sparked and is burning so bright. The internal light seems to lead me. God is breathing inside of me, a part of my daily steps. I love what is happening inside of me, it is giving me a glow that is recognized without notice, without a call, it is showing from a place that even I can’t reach. You sit close to me and stay there while I am not looking, while I am not holding on to you. I didn’t want to know the person that would ignite my flame, I didn’t want the introduction for now I can no longer deny. I can no longer excuse the boundary that was just a patch of my fear. Now I must have the courage to choose to have faith and believe in the documented path that has been paved with love and care. I can’t hide in my anger, for smiles continue to permeate the air around me, pulling me from slumber each day that I give myself and I wanted to go back. Just hide from the fact that now the risks are so much greater. You are my heartbeat, my walk, the steps each coming quicker to find the treasure of serenity and peace that are all just the offspring of love. I just don’t know what to do now that I have made this turn. Pulled toward the pillar of my strength. I fall to my knees daily to God for the privilege of allowing our introduction.

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Filed under Emotion, gratitude, love

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