In the Middle of My Thoughts

Somewhere deep within the burrows of my heart I am breathing his smile, his essence. The entirety of who he is and what it is that he makes me feel. Alive, new, full of hope, and he is not even my man, but somehow when he is near I thrive. I am not just living, he gives me something to nurture to care for. I sometimes feel as though he is the reason I was born. The reason I have journeyed this far into doubt to produce astronomical amounts of faith. Is it one person? Is it divine? Definitely founded in love and defined by desire passion and adoration. Can the love you feel for someone else allow to just love yourself more.

Divulging my heart and soul seems fitting for my mood right now, so I will, whats the possibility of him reading of him seeing. We can talk about the dynamics of who he is, yet in some pursuit of emotional and spiritual therapy some type of freedom. Soooooo I am going to talk in rants, raves, and stuttering mumbles. I have already told the world the story and because I am sure my Psychiatrist on retainer, all have work today, and as they are my friends, I am going to give them a break. Besides how much do we ever really tell our Therapsit….  So it seems that I am quite afraid of actually getting what I want. I have been denying the fact to the world that a man loving me the way he would scares me, it also scares me how much I love this man. How much alike we are, how well we fit, how passionate we are. I love his greatest attributes, I love his most dire flaws. I love all of him. The core the the shell, the stem of his rose. As people I think sometimes humanity, this world has tainted us of the simplest of things. Robbed by greed, raped by anger, demoralized by the American dream. And truly inside I speak of God alot, so I will not deny you my sincerity… God is love, he lives within us, no bible is needed to guide you to him. To his praise, his blessing and your testimony. each trial we have is to pay the price of appreciation and those lessons have been lost to my ignorance and the gracious friend of self hate. Not in the ways of dynamic drama, yet in the ways of the heart. He has not settled down with me, have not asked for my hand, so i can not give him all of me… Can I? We have become so afraid of being hurt of being lost to pain, yet if it’s God who has brought us together, then why would he show me love to tear it from my grasp, to handicap me with his gift of my soul. I have so much faith in what I know is our meant future, so much faith in what God showed me in our beginning. Sometimes things, situations and people are more than a reason, a season. This man is my lifetime, the part of me that was long before lost to world of hurt and an understanding of myself. So busy putting myself in the back to find a purpose in helpful resources. I do things to remind myself that he is not mine in the way that is comfortable to feel all these things for him. i want to give him the perfection he deserves, but why should I reveal her, what if nd how I got here. Yet he does and did yet not in the fashion I would have liked him to demonstrate. Yet last night caught in another finagle, a consequence of my emotional games, I revealed a little more to him. I stopped trying to prove my worth, it has already been on trial and acquitted of pretense and self mutilating thought. I just needed to have faith. For every fight we endure, we end up in the pillow case of events, situations or maybe even experiences that cause us to be face to face. We still don’t leave one another, still listen, still love. In our own separate but very similar ways of expression. I told him, the only way I feel comfortable showing you the things you evoke in me is through tangible support. If I give him the entire breathing change that is for his benefit… not one he chose for me… So I just said it… i gotta feel like the winner sometimes… he then says why worry about something you already have.
 Even then I cringed and tried to divulge any further… To love him completely and have him return that love would be total and complete happiness.


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