Left Him Inside of My Anger

I am sad, and shit I feel so blue
i don’t know what the fuck I am going to do
but I was tired of telling him everyday…. baby I love you
not when his words didn’t express 
 that same blessed text
Shit it was a mess 
the way I was saying I wanted a more
and how much I adore
and How i would never close the door
on us
when I realized I was the only one putting up a fuss
and that Iw as not really living inside of his love
so I left him inside of my anger
aborted in the the un-used hanger
where the airplane 
was lain slain
 on the side of the runway
and shit it wasn’t for real, but for play
we were playing house
and then cat and mouse
and now I feel so alone
Cuz my heart is not home
cuz home is with him
shit i might as well grow ten inches, a beard and call myself tim
Somehow I doubt he would notice the ten inch dick
I had suddenly grown, instead he would pull out a bic
and tell me I have a girl for you to meet
she is super neat
just not for me
Fuck living that nightmare
Instead I bare 
my heart and soul to you
and ask, what is a girl to do
when he ain’t saying to me… baby I love YOU
not that he loves anyone else
or maybe that’s a story i tell myself
Shit I push alot of things to the back of the shelf
marked “Don’t be stupid”
But i am tried of playing with cupid
how is she going to show me perfection
and then play me like taxes except this deduction
won;t give me any returns
his love reciept was firm in the expections department
I don;t go back or can;t be used as new
I used
Damaged
goods
I am good for fucks on parked car hoods
 or maybe even the emotional moment or two
but I will not ever fall in love again
I tried that shit
I lost, didn’t win
 So why would i place another bet
it may be a different game
but all yall broads are the same
Shit
We have different names
and I don’t want to place the blame
but I hate that bitch 
cuz now she making us look one in the same
but girl I got u cuz he can be so stubborn
that I why I  left him inside my frown
took a trip around town
looked for another face
Another place 
to lay my kiss
find sweet bliss
but it seems my heart
insists 
that I take my ass back to that hanger
where I had him slain in my anger
this man once a stranger
now so much apart of me
but I already know we could never be
Fuck
Now do you see
why I had to leave you back in side of my so sad
my so mad
cuz if I kept you in my smile
you would stay for a while
and I gotta get you out of here
You must exit my heart
and I know it’s not really my job, but it’s the hardest part
Knowing you live so close, so freely inside of me
when we 
can;t be
I can’t live in side your happy
be the sappy
part of your day
Be the reason your birds sing in may
cuz you said it was a negative
not a positive
the way
I was learning your tecnique
how our love had peaked
How we somehow had become a we
without a hint of design
somehow
it seemed so right that you were blind
to nothing of us
it was a plus 
not a minus
back then
but u shot me down
turned my smile to a frown
and didn’t even blink
when I went to town
to find another face
to place
my bliss 
with a kiss
you seemed to sigh in relief
turned a new leaf
when you realized
my anger 
was the stranger
that seemed to move into our house of sweet
you didn;t even want to compete
do you feel as incomplete?
guess I will never know
I took matters into my own hands
crossed the burning sands
Can’t come back
I didn’t survive the attack
that left me without you
I am just so fucking blue

What is a girl to do?

I am feeling very blue, for I have left him inside of my anger and I just can’t save him from the sea of moumental ugly in which i have drowned him. I was tired and somewhere in a mist of understanding I just lost my belief in love. Okay so I didn’t lose my belief in love I got tired of waiting for my heart to let go of this dream. This belief that he would someday find the beauty in my smile, the perfection in my walk, and he bright hue of my smile. Why didn’t he want to write poems about me like the other one does. Yes there is another. One who jloves me alot it seems in just a short time but it doesn’t take forever to find and live in love now does it. Now I said that this would document the love I have seen in the world and in my life and I haven’t even begun on the people I see the world I belong to and how much those crazy folks can;t see love if they tried, but he says… that I don’t live what I write and I can just hit in the face because the truth is, he just doesn;t see the love in me because he is a big ole scardey cate and I want to call him by his name but that would be wrong right but look here now. If God shows you this perfect love and then you taint it what am I to do. Now people I wasn’t exactly completely always right but darn it I am human and what does he expect me to be perfect because being perfect wasn’t going to get me anything but bullshit anyway…. and then just like that he was going to cheat on me and lose my heart and i know it sounds like I am back sliding but this is why I had to leave him inside of my anger and act as if he didn’t exist because if I didn;t. the blue would have been much deeper and would have completely taken my life and I need to leave. I need to breathe…. I am suppose to be someone’s mother and he already got kids and don’t want me to love them anyway… Okay I think some of this is lies and I am trying my best to be honest but my feelings are blocking the way. He is there left right inside of my storm and I swear I want to go get him but we can’t just argue and not say mean things, but the truth is I didn’t really say anything mean I just didn’t feel like hearing what he had to say because if it didn’t start with Love and end with forever shit I was tired of hearing it. Truth is…. he needs to see that I am pretty damn great and great don’t have to wait. And yes I am afraid that I gambled but shit at least I was brave enough to take a stand for myself. So there is he in my anger and he is going out the other way. He is not going to call me again, shit he didn’t call me when weren’t fighting but he said the sweetest thing last week and I think this may be the best thing for us cuz he is stronger than me cuz I would allow it to stay the same way… even though deep down i want more… its not fair but I love him, its crazy

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Filed under a rant of love, life, love, poetry, sad, writing

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