Monthly Archives: June 2011

You were already on file, Couldn’t be?

I have acquired a very keen fascination with the power of the moon, stars, sun, water, earth and how we as people relate to those aspects of our earthly experience. A couple of months ago I was introduced to a book by author Gary Goldschiender with the title… The Secret Language of Birthdays. At first glance it was just a personality profile based on your sun sign, however I was so fascinated with the accuracy of the profile that I decided to read further. I have always been very much Gemini however I was born on the first day of the cusp so I am dynamically Taurus as well and Mr Gary. He had the goods it seemed. I went further and further into the understanding and the power and the documentation of the effect of the natural elements and placement of the stars on our personalities and the fruition of our desires. The more I learn the deeper my addiction to acquiring an understanding of how we are effected by the world around us. Our ancestors of times only told by books of history may not have had i Pods, or computer processing units, yet they had keen insight and paid very close attention to the details of the world around them. 
  We have all felt the difference of moods when the moon runs high and full. It seems that it is no coincidence. The moon, the tide of the water, the pull of it to your mental and physical stability. 
  My very inherent hubris nature demands that I research my understanding more and more. With self understanding I feel more empowered, more understood when I look into the mirror and I see into my own soul. Can’t embrace the differences of others until you embrace the differences in your self. It’s about owning the elements of self love. Loving myself has been the hardest of all things to do and I am very tired of running from it.  As a result, I today took a closer look at my moon sign. As it would seem all the things I do, are just in the portrait of my personality… that gives me a feeling of resolve and peace. We all know that we ultimately make our own decisions. The power of the drive behind those decisions is very important as well. 
  I have always said that I was a crazy button, triggering emotional chaotic activity. It’s true. Finding that my over indulgent personality was already written sure did take alot of pressure from my drooping shoulders and latent intellectual mind. Even that is stated. The funniest part is that there are so many people who were born on the same day at the same time and while faces may change, and the names are labeled differently. Knowing that someone out there may feel almost identical to me, makes me feel like I belong to a special club. So all this emotional instability was written as well and after all that I just got to thinking. What if? Now I am only saying what if, for I have no concrete hypothesis and no valid factual documented convectional proof of this, somewhere in my heart I feel it so clearly to say it wasn’t real would be a lifetime fight that I would stand for. I have this nutty idea that we all were predicted…. 

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In the Middle of My Thoughts

Somewhere deep within the burrows of my heart I am breathing his smile, his essence. The entirety of who he is and what it is that he makes me feel. Alive, new, full of hope, and he is not even my man, but somehow when he is near I thrive. I am not just living, he gives me something to nurture to care for. I sometimes feel as though he is the reason I was born. The reason I have journeyed this far into doubt to produce astronomical amounts of faith. Is it one person? Is it divine? Definitely founded in love and defined by desire passion and adoration. Can the love you feel for someone else allow to just love yourself more.

Divulging my heart and soul seems fitting for my mood right now, so I will, whats the possibility of him reading of him seeing. We can talk about the dynamics of who he is, yet in some pursuit of emotional and spiritual therapy some type of freedom. Soooooo I am going to talk in rants, raves, and stuttering mumbles. I have already told the world the story and because I am sure my Psychiatrist on retainer, all have work today, and as they are my friends, I am going to give them a break. Besides how much do we ever really tell our Therapsit….  So it seems that I am quite afraid of actually getting what I want. I have been denying the fact to the world that a man loving me the way he would scares me, it also scares me how much I love this man. How much alike we are, how well we fit, how passionate we are. I love his greatest attributes, I love his most dire flaws. I love all of him. The core the the shell, the stem of his rose. As people I think sometimes humanity, this world has tainted us of the simplest of things. Robbed by greed, raped by anger, demoralized by the American dream. And truly inside I speak of God alot, so I will not deny you my sincerity… God is love, he lives within us, no bible is needed to guide you to him. To his praise, his blessing and your testimony. each trial we have is to pay the price of appreciation and those lessons have been lost to my ignorance and the gracious friend of self hate. Not in the ways of dynamic drama, yet in the ways of the heart. He has not settled down with me, have not asked for my hand, so i can not give him all of me… Can I? We have become so afraid of being hurt of being lost to pain, yet if it’s God who has brought us together, then why would he show me love to tear it from my grasp, to handicap me with his gift of my soul. I have so much faith in what I know is our meant future, so much faith in what God showed me in our beginning. Sometimes things, situations and people are more than a reason, a season. This man is my lifetime, the part of me that was long before lost to world of hurt and an understanding of myself. So busy putting myself in the back to find a purpose in helpful resources. I do things to remind myself that he is not mine in the way that is comfortable to feel all these things for him. i want to give him the perfection he deserves, but why should I reveal her, what if nd how I got here. Yet he does and did yet not in the fashion I would have liked him to demonstrate. Yet last night caught in another finagle, a consequence of my emotional games, I revealed a little more to him. I stopped trying to prove my worth, it has already been on trial and acquitted of pretense and self mutilating thought. I just needed to have faith. For every fight we endure, we end up in the pillow case of events, situations or maybe even experiences that cause us to be face to face. We still don’t leave one another, still listen, still love. In our own separate but very similar ways of expression. I told him, the only way I feel comfortable showing you the things you evoke in me is through tangible support. If I give him the entire breathing change that is for his benefit… not one he chose for me… So I just said it… i gotta feel like the winner sometimes… he then says why worry about something you already have.
 Even then I cringed and tried to divulge any further… To love him completely and have him return that love would be total and complete happiness.

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The Second Glimpse: My Crazy For LOVE

My heart speaks only

by A’Nya Lewis on Monday, September 6, 2010 at 3:25am
You live within me. I see us being the prototype. They will ask how do we do it? Was it always this way? We will answer God. We had no control and we didn’t choose. One day I will say to you…. I love you. I love the man you are. I admire your courage, resilience and strength. I depend on your instincts and follow your lead. I bleed in preparation to bare your heirs. I work at your side, lay in your arms and nurture your soul. I will prepare your meals with love by my hands. I will support your dreams, and help you to build your wealth. I will lessen the load of the world with my scent, touch and execution. I will love you first spiritually allowing God into our union and having faith in God which is our love. I will trust the Holy Spirit and feelings that link us. I will share my body with you, creating a haven of desire that strengths the muscle of your heart and the emotion of it as well. I am to the exclusivity of you. I bare myself and trust you desires. I will not deny you our sensual private parties. I will not be afraid of your sexual fantasies. I will be your playground. I will surrender to the need for your embrace and weight. I will reveal my most intimate desires so that we create walls around our love, no one can break. I will wash your back and play in the darkness with you. I will not falter or take advantage of your devotion to me. I will cater to you, make home a sanctuary. I will tell you the things I might be embarrassed to say. I will trust that you will not laugh when I fall, but pick me up. Then I will tell you. I love you so very much. It has created a need to be near you. I need your embrace, I need your strength. I rely on your instincts and intelligence. I adore your sympathy to the next man. I boast of your talents. I am fierce in my possession. I will not share and dare anyone to try to infiltrate the alliance we have formed. I will deepen our bond with daily invocation of my emotions. I will stroke your ego and dedicate my days to your progress. I vow to love you even when days are hard. We will see obstacles that will do nothing but teach us humility and forgiveness. I deny all others for you. You are my king. You are irreplaceable. We are spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically intertwined. We are best friends. We are family. We are the start of a new beginning. I want to be the woman who stands above the rest. I want to past all the tests. I will stand in the rain if it means a lifetime with minimal pain. I will give you my everything. I will not share myself with no other. I will be your angel and your whore. I look at you and my body screams. I look into your eyes and I don’t need the presence of wine. You are my aphrodisiac. Your scent, the baritone in your voice. Even the way you walk creates puddles of desire, calling you to complete me with your anatomy. I relish in the truth that no one else gets I what I have. You spill your seeds into me and hold them tight. I submit and commit with a full heart. It will take me a lifetime to really express the things I feel. I promise to each day say how much love I feel. I will tell you my disappointments and share my triumphs. I want to live with you. Grow and learn. I want to ease the pain. If I can’t then I must feel it to, so you are not alone. I will protect what is mine at all costs. I will deny you nothing that doesn’t hurt us or our progress. I will stop at nothing to create a home filled with love. I will tend to our home. I will share myself without hesitation and will not put another human before you. Today before ouR future manifest I tell you my heart. I see it clearly, we have to prepare. You know we and we have a lot of love to nurture. We will have to pray and follow our hearts. We will have faith and not be blindsided by fear. I am being prepared to love fiercely and with equovacations. Love is God so the devil will appear. We must hold to his hand and run to his shelter. We will keep our secrets and succumb to only each other. I will laugh with you, play with you, grow with you, learn with you, mature with you, build with you. I will submit to you, commit to you. I will cater to you. I will wait for your command, I will honor your demands. I will share with you, dare with you. I will take this leap with you. I will care for you, I will make love to you, I will fuck you to. I will be your playground and keep the adventures of desire to be shared with only you. I will take care of you. I will wait for you. I will acknowledge your changes and supply you with demonstrations of feelings not expressed by words. I will be pretty for you and wear things you like. I will wash your back and support your choices. I will never defile your character or create misunderstanding. I will be the person on whom you can always depend. Tell me the things you desire and I will not let the fire die. I will only ask why to further understand, not to undermine. I will doctor your wounds and heal your soul. I will allow you complete admittance to my world. I will allow you to conqueR me, bringing us together to create one.
In my heart these are things that begin to fester. Just your presence entices me, excites and devours me. My love forces me to give in to my temptation. Even in my anger my body will tell no lies. It doesn’t know frustration and summation. It sees only in red. It welcomes you. It was created for you. Our love is my priority, because it is the human mantifesation of God. It is a miracle designed for all, no love is ever the same. Now, I want to take your last name.

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What of We?

Didn’t you see me coming, this image of you just in contrast, in where your out, emotion to your logic, its not symbolic. When you ask, I will bury my mask, gladly take your name with no shame… our love will be so bomb they will hang our certificate of marriage in the hall of fame. we have always been epic, no wonder you wear the hat of a skeptic. This love will persevere, hear lies no fear. Will be kind, start in the heart and be defined in the mind, will outlive this life, and go on for many lifetimes, be the beginning of rapped rhymes, be legendary… not the cherry but the sundae, A’Nya Khadija Monea is the name of your future wife… try it on… sounds good… yours the only hood…. i bang, only for you will i twerk this thang…. you have made my heart sang. didn’t you see me coming or did you feel me leave, when I thought to snatch out another woman’s weave for trying to infiltrate the kingdom i have begun to build, didn’t she the sign on your heart that said yield to the woman who stands at my side, the one in which you confide. Was she blind, or did she think the same as I that you were a priceless find. It may not be today or tomorrow that we wed, and she may see your bed, your heart is already taken, let it not be mistaken for something that we as mortals can choose, try to hard and you will be singing the blues, give it to God and he will lead you to she who is your completion, i know it sounds as if my intention is selfish, and maybe it is so, for I already know what you have not yet accepted. although our love has been subjected to rain, and knows pain. It means not we are not meant to be, but that we must appreciate that he has made us a we. Yet i don’t worry for I have faith, for only he that gives can taketh away. What he brought together can no man divide…. and it also can not be denied. What of we can’t you see? Did i hurt you on our journey or did the past give you cause to pause and deny that which will last. What of we? if not extraordinary.

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Left Him Inside of My Anger

I am sad, and shit I feel so blue
i don’t know what the fuck I am going to do
but I was tired of telling him everyday…. baby I love you
not when his words didn’t express 
 that same blessed text
Shit it was a mess 
the way I was saying I wanted a more
and how much I adore
and How i would never close the door
on us
when I realized I was the only one putting up a fuss
and that Iw as not really living inside of his love
so I left him inside of my anger
aborted in the the un-used hanger
where the airplane 
was lain slain
 on the side of the runway
and shit it wasn’t for real, but for play
we were playing house
and then cat and mouse
and now I feel so alone
Cuz my heart is not home
cuz home is with him
shit i might as well grow ten inches, a beard and call myself tim
Somehow I doubt he would notice the ten inch dick
I had suddenly grown, instead he would pull out a bic
and tell me I have a girl for you to meet
she is super neat
just not for me
Fuck living that nightmare
Instead I bare 
my heart and soul to you
and ask, what is a girl to do
when he ain’t saying to me… baby I love YOU
not that he loves anyone else
or maybe that’s a story i tell myself
Shit I push alot of things to the back of the shelf
marked “Don’t be stupid”
But i am tried of playing with cupid
how is she going to show me perfection
and then play me like taxes except this deduction
won;t give me any returns
his love reciept was firm in the expections department
I don;t go back or can;t be used as new
I used
Damaged
goods
I am good for fucks on parked car hoods
 or maybe even the emotional moment or two
but I will not ever fall in love again
I tried that shit
I lost, didn’t win
 So why would i place another bet
it may be a different game
but all yall broads are the same
Shit
We have different names
and I don’t want to place the blame
but I hate that bitch 
cuz now she making us look one in the same
but girl I got u cuz he can be so stubborn
that I why I  left him inside my frown
took a trip around town
looked for another face
Another place 
to lay my kiss
find sweet bliss
but it seems my heart
insists 
that I take my ass back to that hanger
where I had him slain in my anger
this man once a stranger
now so much apart of me
but I already know we could never be
Fuck
Now do you see
why I had to leave you back in side of my so sad
my so mad
cuz if I kept you in my smile
you would stay for a while
and I gotta get you out of here
You must exit my heart
and I know it’s not really my job, but it’s the hardest part
Knowing you live so close, so freely inside of me
when we 
can;t be
I can’t live in side your happy
be the sappy
part of your day
Be the reason your birds sing in may
cuz you said it was a negative
not a positive
the way
I was learning your tecnique
how our love had peaked
How we somehow had become a we
without a hint of design
somehow
it seemed so right that you were blind
to nothing of us
it was a plus 
not a minus
back then
but u shot me down
turned my smile to a frown
and didn’t even blink
when I went to town
to find another face
to place
my bliss 
with a kiss
you seemed to sigh in relief
turned a new leaf
when you realized
my anger 
was the stranger
that seemed to move into our house of sweet
you didn;t even want to compete
do you feel as incomplete?
guess I will never know
I took matters into my own hands
crossed the burning sands
Can’t come back
I didn’t survive the attack
that left me without you
I am just so fucking blue

What is a girl to do?

I am feeling very blue, for I have left him inside of my anger and I just can’t save him from the sea of moumental ugly in which i have drowned him. I was tired and somewhere in a mist of understanding I just lost my belief in love. Okay so I didn’t lose my belief in love I got tired of waiting for my heart to let go of this dream. This belief that he would someday find the beauty in my smile, the perfection in my walk, and he bright hue of my smile. Why didn’t he want to write poems about me like the other one does. Yes there is another. One who jloves me alot it seems in just a short time but it doesn’t take forever to find and live in love now does it. Now I said that this would document the love I have seen in the world and in my life and I haven’t even begun on the people I see the world I belong to and how much those crazy folks can;t see love if they tried, but he says… that I don’t live what I write and I can just hit in the face because the truth is, he just doesn;t see the love in me because he is a big ole scardey cate and I want to call him by his name but that would be wrong right but look here now. If God shows you this perfect love and then you taint it what am I to do. Now people I wasn’t exactly completely always right but darn it I am human and what does he expect me to be perfect because being perfect wasn’t going to get me anything but bullshit anyway…. and then just like that he was going to cheat on me and lose my heart and i know it sounds like I am back sliding but this is why I had to leave him inside of my anger and act as if he didn’t exist because if I didn;t. the blue would have been much deeper and would have completely taken my life and I need to leave. I need to breathe…. I am suppose to be someone’s mother and he already got kids and don’t want me to love them anyway… Okay I think some of this is lies and I am trying my best to be honest but my feelings are blocking the way. He is there left right inside of my storm and I swear I want to go get him but we can’t just argue and not say mean things, but the truth is I didn’t really say anything mean I just didn’t feel like hearing what he had to say because if it didn’t start with Love and end with forever shit I was tired of hearing it. Truth is…. he needs to see that I am pretty damn great and great don’t have to wait. And yes I am afraid that I gambled but shit at least I was brave enough to take a stand for myself. So there is he in my anger and he is going out the other way. He is not going to call me again, shit he didn’t call me when weren’t fighting but he said the sweetest thing last week and I think this may be the best thing for us cuz he is stronger than me cuz I would allow it to stay the same way… even though deep down i want more… its not fair but I love him, its crazy

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"My Urban Prophet"

So, I am in love with this man, and even I don’t believe that you can be in love alone, and this is the intimate glimpse into who I am. It’s the part about me that actually tells the world that he is the reason I want to be a better person, the reason I want to breathe, the reason I believe that I can be a good mother. He demands that I am better, he demands that I live up to the potential in which I was born to thrive and he is so much beauty. Beauty that comes from a place that even I can’t identify more than that of a higher power. He has allowed me to believe in that the kind of love that is beyond reason and understanding. 

The funniest thing in the world,is that he does not feel the same things for me. He is so hurt and so blinded by the past that he wouldn’t be able to see me. Today I told him to disappear into the ashes of burned euphoria. That he disappear into a horizon never realized. I am tired of loving him. Tired of not hearing his voice daily, not breathing his understanding and beauty daily. I have tried to be stronger, tired to to better…but I can’t mend the broken man that he has become. Can’t mend the doors to love that he has cememented shut. What of your power Nya Duality? What of that utmost power that you call love. Even I can’t answer that question because even as I say goodbye all I see is hello. I see a morning of promise that is devised and comprised of nothing more than him lending me my smile, breathing in the love he created with another woman to only teach lessons of love that will conqueor what the world can offer. Money, has no barrings on the things that we could accomplish together but i bleed the wounds of dishonesty and discourse from lain moments with women not known to my birth, not known to my beginninging. Women who are curtly not me, and not apart of the love that i feel for him.
Upon the first meeting I had of him, I was not impressed by his looks, not momentarily engaged by the way his head tilts to the side when he is confused. I was quite not impressed with him at all, but the beat of his heart seemed to walk into a intersection and mine seemed to see his and followed and fell into step and our hearts seemed to pump blood into each others body and I was at the second day of our conversation quite sure that I had met the man that I was going to marry.  It’s crazy to say these things when the man does not love me, but if I was even a little honest with the world, like I am honest with myself… I believe that to not be true. I feel as tho he loves me just as I love him.
My “Urban Prophet” who can see the world coming toward him, who sees the pain of the world and I swear he was put here to save lives, to change the world and the way they see things… The new voice of religious understanding. He says quite frequently that an angel is someone who has seen hell and does not want to go back, he seems to know the bible by instinct and believes things that the world should understand and live. He is the truth… some days I think I am crazy to believe these things about him, but if you are in his presence you can feel it. It’s not a game, not a joke. He is the truth. He inspires me to write millions of love letters, and not just for me but for the world. Together we are premonition, intuition and thought. Sounds crazy to you I am sure, but I can prove it. Shall I tell the story of he the prophet and me the dual enticed mind. I can probably get a check you all might think I am so crazy. I am in love with this man. He has children, that i love like they are mine and he is the most beautiful part of me. I promise.

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Filed under desire, life, love, religion, unrequited love

Today’s Love Quote – Love does not dominate; it cultivates. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe ~

Today’s love quote was a brilliant touch of feeling for me and I had say a few words, I had to express my emotional link to it. Love does not dominate, it cultivates. In my mind that is the most evoking piece of life put into a short phrase of words. Love has shown to me that its the creation of art, the demand of excellence. How many things and understandings have been cultivated and born of love and the power that it has in people and the world. Did you know that love is the only thing in this human experience that will out live death. It is immortality, it is a breathing and living entity and it cultivates and sustains what we call life. 

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